Ginger@Large

Vlog "Why Do I Let Myself Stay Fat?"

2008-03-23T17:42:00.000-07:00

Tags: weight loss, self empowerment, healthy living, hal sparks

Blogs, blogs everywhere are blogs...

2008-03-20T03:07:00.000-07:00

After toying around with the idea, I've decided to create a separate blog for my obsession with Reality TV. http://journals.aol.com/duckebride323/realitytvroundup/

If you're interested in my very opinionated views on things like American Idol, The Bachelor, Rock of Love, Celebrity Fit Club and so on and so forth...

Give it a look-see.

Tags: Reality TV, American Idol, Celebrity Fit Club, Rock of Love, The Bachelor

Ginger@Large

2008-03-20T01:50:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. Long time no blog. I haven't been using AOL for a while, just the instant messenger, so I had no idea that I could blog too. Now that I see I can, it's time to let you all know what I've been up to.

As many of you who followed this journey before know I lost a good deal of weight before on a "Journey to Me". It was appropriately named, but alas I never quite got the meaning of the journey. I got so caught up in the results that I had lost sight of the bigger picture. What I was beating myself up for was really me doing well.

I've begun to see the difference between "perfect" and "excellence".

So I've decided to attack this situation from a different angle. Instead of worrying about getting to goal weight, I'm learning how to live each day as healthily as I can and learning to love myself "in the meantime".

This is a very important part of the journey. I won't wake up tomorrow and be my goal weight or optimum health. What I can wake up as, is me. And I get to decide that's okay.

Since the written blog worked so well for me before, I've decided to begin a video diary of my new lifestyle change. It was hard at first to see myself and learn to be okay with what I saw. But little by little I've begun to forgive that image on camera for hiding for so long.

You can view these entries at http://gingeratlarge.blogspot.com/.

I'll try to cross post so that I can hook up with more of my old friends and weight loss buddies here. You guys were the ones who helped keep me motivated and going in the right direction, so it's only right I bring my journey full circle right back to this blog.

I hope you enjoy the journey with me "in the meantime".

Tags: weight loss, self discovery

Update

2007-01-11T18:28:00.000-08:00

I'm on program and even down six pounds, so all is well. Not going to post stats today because in my quest for health I'm actually concentrating on getting a full night's sleep. By the time I make it to bed there's no time for anything else but sleep... especially when AOL makes it so bloody difficult to maintain a blog to begin with. Is it just me or does everyone's "add entry" disappear? I have to click on journal community, then this blog name to find it.

It's extremely annoying.

Over the weekend I'll get it caught up, when I have a lot more time and patience.

In the meantime... some positive food for thought:

" Our doubts are traitors,
And make us lose the good that we oft may win,
By fearing to attempt."
--- William Shakespeare

Weigh in? Weigh OFF...

2007-01-08T22:13:00.000-08:00

I only got about 2 hours sleep last night and it showed with an 8 pound gain on the scale.

But it didn't freak me out too badly because I know it's simply because to my body, it was still yesterday.

So I'm going to go to bed, get some sleep and try again tomorrow.

I know that I've been following the regimen and eating what I need to eat, there's no way that amounted to a gain... especially one that drastic.

Plus I *feel* healthier and fitter. And that amounts for a lot.

Ten weigh ins from now? I'm sure I'll see the results that I want.

And the moolah. :)

Today's stats, including a small Chili from Wendys:

Goals:
Calories: 1310-1660
Fat: 29-65
Carbs: 147-270
Protein: 33-145

Monday:
Calories: 1550
Fat: 32
Carbs: 250
Protein: 61

I also got 6, count em 6 servings of fruits and veggies. I had four of em done by the time I got home from work.

I likee.

Only got 6 glasses of water in, though.

No worries. That's what I fix next week.

Today's positive quote: "The body achieves what the mind believes."
--- KT--

Weekend Update

2007-01-07T22:44:00.000-08:00

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

Uhhh... sorry - wrong Weekend Update.

My weekend was pretty good. I went very slightly over my calories on Saturday but that was only to get my veggies in. I did get five servings fruits and veggies both days, but my water intake wasn't great at all.

But that's not as important as the veggie thing. I'm doing this in different steps toward a healthier lifestyle. After a week of making sure I get veggies, then I concentrate on the water, then vitamins, then exercise and so on.

If it sounds suspiciously like a plan, that's because it is one. I work better with plans rather than just winging it. Plus it gives me the illusion of control, and that keeps the control freak in me quiet.

Actually, what I do is the only thing within my control - not how much weight I lose. So it's beneficial to have things I can control as my guidelines.

Calorie Updates:

(Incidentally.. MySpace blogs are MUCH more user friendly. And free.)

Goals:
Calories: 1310-1660
Fat: 29-65
Carbs: 147-270
Protein: 33-145

Sat:
Calories: 1692
Fat: 49
Carbs: 240
Protein: 67

Sun:
Calories: 1389
Fat: 27
Carbs: 219
Carbs: 63

Today's positive quote: " Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."
Epicurus
Protein

Friday stats

2007-01-06T03:11:00.000-08:00

Five servings of fruits and veggies.

7 glasses of water.

Daily goals:
Calories: 1310-1660
Fat: 29-65
Carbohydrates: 147-270
Protein: 33-145

My intake for Friday:

Calories: 1573
Fat: 59
Carbohydrates: 205
Protein: 57

Inspirational quote for the day: Today, make more time to be present in your life.

And... they're OFF...

2007-01-05T01:45:00.000-08:00

Well it's official. I am now in the running for what could be a $1000 payday if I lose the most weight (based on percentage of weight loss, not actual pounds) by March 13.

This meant an initial weigh in, and much to my surprise and delight I've lost 12 pounds since December 24. I saw that scale creeping up to a mind blowing 318 and that was the final straw. I made myself a promise that I will never see those kinds of numbers again.

And today, after two weeks of eating better, I was rewarded with a 12 pound weight loss.

Hallelujah, pass the broccoli.

As I dreamed of how I might spend a thousand extra buckaroos, I developed a plan, my own little "strategery" if you will, of how I will shed the pounds and come in first place. As you know, I cannot focus on the weight loss, I have to focus on the solution - eating for health.

What will make me feel better? What will fuel my body to work better? How do I eat to enjoy overall health and wellness?

What I've discovered works best for me is the low glycemic index diet. This determines what type of food you eat based on how high it is on the glycemic index. Following this plan, based on my Sparkpeople caloric goals, helped me shed quite a bit of weight in the early part of last year.

It falls off, almost effortlessly, just based on modifying the diet.

For example, a regular russet potato, though a low calorie, low fat food, is pretty high on the glycemic index... a 71 or so I believe. The idea is to only eat foods that fall under the 55 or less catagory, so instead I'd eat a sweet potato, which is about a 48 on the LGI.

What is the Glycemic Index? It's a method that measures carbohydrates by how quickly they raise the body's blood sugar. If you eat a food high on the GI, then your blood sugar will spike and then drop, causing you to have more cravings (usually for something high on the index, in my case anything with processed sugar).

Because items lower on the index are absorbed slower, it will help curb hunger, control appetite and actually reduce insulin levels. I'm neither diabetic or pre-diabetic, but as a sugar addict I can tell you that I felt immediately better upon the onset of this eating plan, moreso than any other.

Instead of feeling sluggish, sleepy and unmotivated, I actually had energy and stamina and the "oomph" I needed to get through my day.

That alone is worth the change.

And it's not like you can't have the things you like. This is an eating plan where you can actually have chocolate (candy, milk, cake), depending on where it falls on the GI.

Plus, it makes sense. White bread=high. Whole wheat bread=low. White rice=high. Brown rice=low. The more natural your food is, the better it is for your body.

It's not about no carb (which I am vehemently against), it's about choosing which carbs are best for your body.

In addition to using the GI, I've also decided to concentrate on getting more fruits and veggies. This is where I fall shamefully short. Instead of eating five servings per day, I'm lucky to get a couple.

Which is silly, since fruits and veggies are low calorie foods you can eat a lot of, feel full and not sabotage your diet.

So today I went to the store and stocked up on veggies to take in to work, rather than the processed "diet" dinners I had been eating, as well as some meat to round out the meal.

My only limitation right now is my level of activity. I was sidelined again today with my back, relying on medication to manage the pain. It may take me a bit longer to actually get out and get mobile than I had originally planned.

What doesn't help is the mandatory OT at work, which really aggrevates the pain in my back from long hours in front of a computer, something my health care professional told me was the worst thing for my back.

Given there are a couple of mandatory Saturdays this month, I'm going to take the exercise thing slow. My back is my priority, because if that goes out again I lose work (and can lose my job) as well as really sidetrack my health goals.

If I take away the fitness plan from my Sparkpeople Nutrition guidelines, my daily caloric goals change significantly. Until I can be certain that I can get moving again, I'll go with these more limited daily goals:

Calories: 1310-1660
Fat: 29-65
Carbohydrates: 147-270
Protein: 33-145

My intake for Thursday:

Calories: 1601
Fat: 49
Carbohydrates: 235
Protein: 57

Tags: weight loss, low glycemic index, sparkpeople

My favorite color carrot - Green

2007-01-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

As luck would have it, a group of ladies at work have decided to lose weight together - with a little extra incentive. At $20 a pop, we all contribute to a pool that ultimately the biggest loser will win. Right now there are about 52 entrants... we're talking a really nice payday for losing the highest percentage of our body weight.

Needless to say, my interest is piqued. There's nothing more motivating than money - especially since the contest concludes in March - when I plan to take a trip to sunny Florida.

Even more reason to stay on task.

Today was a successful day in more than just meeting my nutritional goals. I also resisted the temptation of the scale. This is the hardest part for me, as I tend to be a bit of a scale slave. I need to see the results in black in white, and that (even though it's a very small indicator of true weight loss success) tends to take precedence over all the other positive changes.

I'm tempted to say that I'll weigh in once for this contest and then leave it up to fate until March - but that's a lofty ambition. All I can say is I didn't weigh in today.

This isn't about weight loss as much as it's about changing my habits to be healthier. Since I really can't control how much weight I lose and how fast I lose it, it would be silly to give control of my emotions over to something so fickle. Rather I should take pride in the positive steps I'm taking toward my ultimate goal of a healthy body.

One day at a time.

My nutritional targets:

Calories: 1520-1850
Fat: 34-73
Carbohydrates: 171-304
Protein: 38-164

My results today:

Calories: 1660
Fat: 58
Carbohydrates: 216
Protein: 72

Tags: weight loss, nutrition

Discovering "The Secret"

2007-01-02T20:47:00.000-08:00

I've decided to raise my AOL weight loss journal from the dead, mostly because that level of accountability helped keep me focused and on task. Because of a herniated disk in my spine, weight loss and overall general health has once again become a priority, especially when it sidelines me from being able to go to work or even clean the house.

Here are my limitations: I'm unable to physically push myself as strenuously as I have in the past. I will include fitness into my routine, but it's going to have to come slowly. Instead of using a week to get used to a new exercise, it may have to take a month. Most importantly, I can't have my back go out again - so steady as she goes.

Other than that, I can definitely make food accountability priority. This is part of my general goal for fitness and health for 2007. As I discussed on my MySpace blog, it's not about resolutions because resolutions amount to no more than pipedreams we pop off in a champagne haze.

Rather, goals are dreams with purpose. I have recently been introduced to http://www.thesecret.tv/, a philosphy that suggests we can have or be anything we want to be if we follow certain natural laws.

The first of which is the law of attraction. If we focus on those things we do want, rather than those things we don't want, we attract those things to us. Where I've had it wrong all these years is to focus on the weight. It's not important to lose weight, it's important to be a healthy weight. So instead of focusing on how much weight I have to lose, I will instead meditate, concentrate and focus on the weight I need to be.

Also instead of focusing on the weight I need to lose, I will instead focus on those things which will naturally result in weight loss. A focus on health instead of diet and exercise. A focus on eating the right foods, instead of the foods I can't indulge in anymore.

I started this process several weeks ago and even though I've slipped off the path here and there, I've found that when I eat unhealthy foods my body now rebels. So I believe that there might be something to this.

Therefore this blog is to help keep me focused. Instead of worrying about the scale, I'm going to focus on my daily choices to live a more healthy life. I haven't decided if I want to track my weightor not, asit seems counter-productive. I may have to go cold turkey on weigh ins. If I'm doing all that I can do to lose weight, then I will. There's no need to obsess over it.

This pertains to the second law: the law of time. It's simply going to take a certain amount of time for me to get what it is I want. I can't force it to come any faster, no matter how much I want to. So I must learn patience, because this is one law I can't control.

The only thing I can control is the third law, the law of action. It's one thing to dream of what you want, but if you want to achieve it you have to work towards it. This is the nuts and bolts part of The Secret. If I want to reach a healthy weight, then I must do the things that contribute to a healthy weight. Watch portion control, eat healthy food and become more active.

In the spirit of this new philosophy, then, I will post my daily accomplishments instead. Here I will repeat my mantra to make good choices for a healthy body. Sometimes it's just an internal chant, especially when my back threatens to keep me immobile.

To track my success, I've chosen http://sparkpeople.com/myspark/sparkpoints.asp, SparkPeople. Unlike some of the other weight loss websites, this one is completely free. You can track your food here like on Fitday, but it also gives you a bunch of diet tips and motivational emails if you sign up for them. I highly recommend them to record your daily food intake and track your fitness accomplishments.

According to Sparkpeople, they give me these guidelines in order to meet my weight loss goals:

Calories: 1520-1850
Fat: 34-73
Carbohydrates: 171-304
Protein: 38-164

Today's results:

Calories: 1357
Fat: 28
Carbohydrates: 213
Protein: 75

Today was a successful day and one day closer to a healthy body.

Tags: weight loss, developing healthy habits, The Secret

Habitat for Humanity New Orleans

2006-09-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yes my AOL friends, I have risen from blog death and only a good cause could resurrect me.

It's no secret that New Orleans was devastated by Hurricane Katrina last year, a scar on our country that still requires a lot of care and money and work to heal.

As you may or may not know, one of my favorite people in the world, actor/comedian Hal Sparks, is participating on Simon Cowell's new reality show "Celebrity Duets". It's a weekly competition that pairs up musical legends with celebrities not known for their singing ability all in the name of charity.

Hal's decided that should he win, $100,000 goes to Habitat for Humanity to help aid those affected by Hurricane Katrina.

For the last few weeks I've voted my little redial button off to get him to the finals, and tonight he sings against Lucy (Xena) Lawless and Alfonso (Carlton Banks) Ribeiro in the finale.

So if you would, please tune in tonight and check Hal out on Celebrity Duets on Fox. And if he gives a performance worth your vote, please call in and vote as many times as you can. It's free from a landline and you can vote as many times as you want for up to two hours after the program ends.

A tiny chunk of your time could mean a roof over someone's head who really needs it.

Save a tree, support a blogger

2006-01-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

A very nice writer friend of mine has presented the opportunity to contribute to his online blog-azine called Pointless Banter. On there, I have yet another blog called Ginger @ Large (which I find extremely appropriate!). Anyway, we're hoping it will take off and after about four months I should see some profits from THEIR advertising.

Your support would be very much appreciated by me and my pocketbook. :)

AOL Blog Controversy

2005-12-11T23:18:00.000-08:00

Granted I have been far more faithful to my Myspace blog than my AOL blog for a while now, but I didn't realize there was a big broughaha going on about the ads that now grace the top of these blogs.

Apparently the J-Land population is up in arms that they have to deal with these ads -which are controlled by AOL and not any of us. Since AOL is a paid service, and everything under AOL falls under that service (journals included), many feel that this is pretty bogus. Some are going as far as taking their blogs off of AOL altogether - something I realized as I was going through my Favorites folder "Journals", which had a gazillion blogs bookmarked from my avid J-Land participation a year or so back.

Considering that AOL is still fairly expensive in comparison to other ISPs, I think it is pretty cheesy that they milk advertisers for more money just because the blog phenomenon took off.

I guess it never phased me because Myspace is covered in ads, but it's also a free service. It's also a better blog service, to be quite honest. You have a lot more control over personal expression, the blog subscription service is a lot more reliable and it's just more user friendly. It's a lot better because you can see who's reading your blog, and the networking aspect is awesome. You can join a bunch of blog groups with people who have similar interests, and now it features a "Most Popular Blog" feature.

I've kept up the AOL journal for those times I feel like discussing personal stuff, and kept the Myspace blog more light hearted. That's still my intent.

But I have to say the more I think about it, the more I resent that I'm getting charged for AOL AND dealing with ads, for a service that is considerably sophomoric at best.

Therefore, if any of you wish to keep up with me, you can see me on a more regular basis over at http://blog.myspace.com/allgingerallthetime.

The Emerald City

2005-12-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

I've often referred to the Wizard of Oz in comparison to the journey that I'm on. My sister in law surprised me with a birthday present of The Wizard of Oz, the book, which was totally cool. She reminded me that being courageous isn't the absence of fear, but action in the face of it.

How true.

The good news is the more active you are in the face of fear, the more the fear abates.

For instance, my writing career.

The first time I sent out queries for "Fatty", I was scared and apprehensive. I needed to see a response to validate the work I had done. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the book did what it was supposed to do. It entertained an audience for one, which is the purpose of any book. People connected emotionally with a character I really feared would come across as unsympathetic.

I thought I'd lose readers left and right because of the continual mistakes "Gina" made. How could anyone feel sympathy for someone who willfully self destructed?

Truth was, I didn't feel a whole lot of sympathy for Gina myself. Which is why I've beat myself up for so long. That negative speak was coming from me about me and it was stopping any good thing from happening to me.

Through writing this novel, I got to look at this character from an adult perspective, with all I've learned being a parent. I went through a bunch of feelings reliving my past, anger at the people in my life who let me down, to finally realizing that as many mistakes that they made I didn't have it as bad as I always seemed to think I did. I went from being angry with my mom to finding a lot of sympathy for her situation. I could understand now why it was easier to hide in work than deal with a stranger.

It makes it a lot easier to move on.

So not only did my audience never lose their love for my character, I actually grew to love that kid. Without realizing it, I comforted that kid who was sad and alone after dad died. That was a pretty big deal.

And most of all, I was truly myself and I wasn't judged by the world as I expected to be. I found out it's okay to be me, to be imperfect.

What a revelation!

But that didn't stop me from quaking in my boots when I sent out queries to those big time agents who have the power and authority to either open a door for my career, or keep it bolted shut. Would they realize the total fraud I always felt I was? That my writing, while I liked it, wasn't really worth millions of dollars to publish and distribute?

Finally I grabbed myself by the shoulders and said, "Hey! You're an optioned screenwriter. That means a professional director/producer believes in you. Studios have continually given positive feedback. Get a grip! You're good! You have something to say! For God's sake.... Say it!"

So even though I didn't hear anything for the first two weeks, I sent out more queries last night after my journal entry. And I wrote a story and sent it to a magazine for publication.

And to top it all off, I responded to an ad for a contract screenwriter.

Michael J. Fox was on Inside the Actor's Studio and he said something that resonated with me. He indicated that he and that class were special - their talent was that they were communicators.

I never thought of it like that. I'm a communicator.

Therefore I have a responsibility to get my stuff out there, because not everyone has that gift and by burying it under fear I'm actually taking that gift for granted. I'm already good, I simply have to convince these big time agents.

That sounds so conceited. My years of religious bondage make that unbearably difficult to write without cringing. I've always waited for "proof". A sale, namely. But the proof is that I can write stories that touch other people. I can take a simple blank page and create a world where one does not exist. I can create people that make you laugh or cry or love or hate.

If I'm not convinced I can do that, there's no way I'm going to convince those agents of the same.

Therefore the Emerald City I'm marching towards is definitely one of self esteem. One that says, I have a right to be here. I have a right to be heard. And most frightening of all, I have a right to be seen.

It all comes back to action in the face of fear.

The next step? A screenwriting conference where I get to pitch industry folk face to face.

I do believe in spooks. I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do, I *do* believe in spooks...

Hello? Is this thing on?

2005-12-10T03:57:00.000-08:00

I know it seems like I've fallen off the face of the planet, but I haven't. I'm still around, and I'm still hanging in. I'm actually doing pretty good. I'm more active by far, trying to get a lot of walking in. I'm easing into this exercise thing, and so far so good.

I bought another Pilates ball and that's on my immediate To Do list. I just have to find the DVD I bought to go with it several months ago. That will probably come with a cleaning jag I feel necessary. Clutter is not my friend, and yet I still cannot part with it. It's not CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) but it could be better.

I've abandoned perfection. I've got critters, both the four legged and the two legged kind. My house may never smell great or even be totally kept up. It's better, though, so I feel somewhat in control.

The eating is still iffy. Some days are good, some days are eh. But for the most part I've lost weight, which is a good thing. I weighed in at a whopping 310 on December 2, and I'm back down to 306. My goal is 10lbs a month, but I'm not going to be rigid about it. As long as the numbers on the scale is going down or the measurements are going down, I'll be okay. This is a marathon, not a sprint. I'll get there by endurance.

Although I did buy a scale for the house. So far it's keeping me honest and I'm not over-weighing. As long as I can keep it as information instead of obsession, I think it could actually be useful.

I've also committed to my sister that we would take self defense classes together. This is my Year (ear ear ear) of Courage (ourage ourage ourage), and one of the things I've always put off until The Great When (when I lose weight, etc) was taking martial arts classes. I've always wanted to but I always said when I get more fit I'll do it.

Well, it's not really an excuse when you consider that it's pretty decent exercise in and of itself AND it helps teach the discipline which can benefit everything else. Basically I just didn't want to be fat and in a class with a bunch of non fat people, who could do the things I don't feel I can do (gym anyone?). Basically - I'm a'skerred. So, I'm not going to put it off past January. That's when I'll allocate funds especially for it, after the Christmas crush is behind us.

I'm also getting out more, like going out for Artwalk this past Thursday.

Babysteps.

I didn't go to the doctor like I was supposed to on the 7th. Apparently they didn't have me in their computer, even though I called what.. three weeks ago? So I went ahead and made another appointment for January. Steven said that I procrastinated so much I didn't confirm till last minute because I was being passive aggressive about it and avoiding it. And he's right. The gynocologist is not my idea of a fun time, and I avoid doctors generally like the plague anyway.

I'm always afraid the next time I see one they'll tell me my bad habits have caught up with me (The Big D), and I'll have some incurable disease that I could have prevented had I been a little smarter.

But I can't keep going through the PMS cycles. The guys are going to soon take monthly vacations to get away from me. There's no sense in going through this when there's another way.

This new appointment is pretty solid, I'd think, considering I made it face to face and actually watched them put the information in. So no getting away from it. And this time I will confirm.

The waiting is always worse than just getting it over and done with.

My goal for December? Not go broke. I always overdo it on Christmas, feeling like I have to do it bigger and better every year for the kids' sake. Which is ridiculous because I can't remember any of the gifts I got as a kid, even the ones I absolutely couldn't live without.

One gift I remember is Mr. Mouth - that game where this little mechanical head goes around in a circle and four players try to flip their little chips into it's mouth when it opens. The reason I remember this gift? My mother and my sister and I played it all night long. Back when I was 9, that was a big deal.

So my goal is to get the gifts that they want, but not drive myself into the poorhouse to do it.

The real gift is that we'll be together.

And Timothy got the Christmas gift of a lifetime at his ROTC military ball last night, where he finally got to dance with the girl he likes. He's walking on air.

I can't top that one.

So I guess you could say I'm approaching life consciously. I'm not living by impulse too much, and if I do I self correct it as soon as I can. Changing habits to change outcomes.

And I'm still filling out applications and sending out queries and feelers for the writing too. I'm actually to the point where I can't remember what I was afraid of in the first place.

That, my friends, is progress.

Back to life, back to reality...

2005-11-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

Well the weigh in yesterday was a LOT less forgiving than last Saturday. It showed a 3lb gain.

Surprisingly though, I didn't freak out. I wasn't happy, of course, but it wasn't the end of the world. First, I knew that I had been eating poorly for the last few weeks, so I couldn't really expect anything less.

Second, I knew that with the monthly fluxuations amounting to only a pound or so, a three pound gain in a week would probably even out over time anyway.

Plus, it was good motivation to keep me on the revised eating plan.

Without the emotional roller coaster of the book, there's really no excuse for me to eat like I've been eating. Not to say that there was an excuse before, but I feel that writing that book helped trip a lot of triggers that I could feel and deal with at that moment.

I feel a lot more in control than I did before, so I really feel ready to tackle everything, not just the weight.

I've been talking about getting another job for a while now, but I finally got my tush out on Wednesday to pound the pavement and see what I could find. I applied at the hospital, at Blue Cross, at the Employment Office (state job, great pay) and even at Target. (I figure, what I lose in pay I can make up in an employee discount). The next day HR at the hospital called me back to schedule a typing test.

Considering I type 70+wpm and the job requirement is 40wpm, I feel confident that I'll pass with flying colors.

Anyway that's tomorrow. It's a temp job in admissions, but it's work and hopefully it'll pay well.

What I really want are benefits. We don't have vision or dental, and I really want to get covered. I want to finally get my smile fixed, I think that will do a lot to boost my confidence.

Jeff gave me a link to another work from home type job with benefits, but I think I'm ready to get out there in the world again. I'm in a bubble here, and it's really easy to give in to some bad habits (sleeping/eating/etc). It's time to join the land of the living.

Anyway, I have two minutes left until I'm 36. Yes I count down to the very minute.

It only really bothers me when I think of all the time I've wasted, and so many opportunities that I've wasted. Sometimes I feel that life is passing me by, and that is exacerbated by the digits flipping over in my age.

I had a moment earlier today, when Timothy found some of his dad's stuff in the garage, that I had to face mortality once again.

I hate facing mortality, I hate thinking that one day I'll die. I know it's stupid to worry about the inevitable, but sometimes I just have a moment of panic that I'll die without doing what I want to do or making the kind of mark I want to make on the world.

That kind of dread hit me today as I was sorting through Dan's stuff and deciding who should get what.

To anyone else in the world, Dan's logbook from when he went to school to be a trucker would be just a book. Just a thing. To the boys and to me, that book is the only tangible thing of Dan we have left.

When it's all said and done, we're defined by what we left behind. All those things we toil so hard for end up being things that are scattered to the four winds once we die.

It was a sad thing to me. But it helped put things in perspective. It's not about the houses or the cars or the stuff that means so much in the moment. It's about the impact.

My goal is to make a pretty big impact. Not just for me, but for Dan and for Brandon and for all the people that I love so dearly. I want to immortalize us all.

It's a pretty big job. I'm going to have to be healthy and strong and live the life I was meant to live instead of crouch on the sidelines in fear.

So now that I'm officially 36, the Year of Courage has begun.

Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Official Weigh In

2005-11-12T10:12:00.000-08:00

Well color me surprised. Despite my inches, I only gained one pound in this month I've been off my foot.

That loud clank you heard was my chin dropping to the floor.

In fact, I had so pysched myself up that it would be 315 when I saw 305 I barely processed it.

So this is good news.

It was almost like seeing a loss!

But I do need to get some exercise because I'm feeling flabby and gross from the inches, so I'm going to ease back into a routine.

Knowing is half the battle, right?

Same Mistake, Different Day

2005-11-12T09:06:00.000-08:00

If you're following along in Fatty, you're likely at the spot where I stopped, after a pretty big mistake on my part.

Like you, I was thinking way back then that ok I made my mistake, time to move on.

We were both wrong.

It wouldn't be long before I made the same mistake over and over again.

Dealing with my promiscuity is not easy for me, and likely the reason my writing came to a complete stop. I'm so caught up with not looking foolish and I'm going to be a complete and utter fool from here on out.

So, how to deal with it?

Well, the first is to just deal with it. I have long been caught up in the idea "If it feels good do it," then suffer immediate buyers remorse. This happens on anything I indulge myself in. I indulge myself defiantly (I deserve it I'm entitled) then almost immediately when it's over the high crashes and I feel weak and stupid.

It's a painful and unending cycle, as it would seem.

Especially since I've been eating everything in sight while I go through all these painful self examinations.

Last night, after I ate some fried chicken (which is a no no not just diet wise but with my irritable gall bladder), I felt nauseated by the grease.

I know eating badly leaves me feeling gross, but I do it because I will not be deprived. I don't deserve it. I even make excuses for it.

But it basically boils down to me making the same mistake over and over and over again.

It isn't like I expect a different result. It just means that I know what the consequences will be and decide that I can live with them.

So today I measured myself, and I'll probably go weigh myself as well - shoe and all. I have gained 12 inches since September. This is not good. I expect the scale to be even more shocking. I wouldn't be surprised if it said 315.

So.

The first thing I want to do is say that all that is behind me. I think we both know that it's not.

All I can say is that I'm going to get through today. I'm going to feel what I feel, even if it hurts. When I went over the rape/attempted suicide chapter, I sat here at this computer bawling my eyes out and hurting so deep I thought I would disappear into myself.

After I was through I wanted to eat. Something. Anything. Food is my drug of choice.

Instead, I didn't. Despite my overindulgence there were moments of victory like that.

So I know there is a better way. I'm not that fourteen year old girl floundering from place to place anymore. I have to find that strength I know I have and just make a different choice.

I may stumble... in fact I may even fall.

I cannot be perfect. All I can do is be me.

From here on in, that's going to have to be good enough.

The epiphanies are hitting left and right

2005-11-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

I tell ya. Things are really getting sorted out in the wash. The more I work through all this the more insights I get. I don't regret what I've written so far in the least, even when it was hard to write.

Last night, though, I felt a little apprehension regarding the stuff that comes next. I'm very shamed by my teen years where I went through periods of extreme desperation for affection. Add that to a lack of self control and no concept of moderation, and you have me looking very bad and very weak.

In fact, I was trying to figure out how to make the story work without a few key episodes. Then I realized that since the rape in 1974, I've been hiding myself in one sort of shame or the other. In order to really set myself free, I have to be myself no matter what that means.

If I hide it, then I'll know I hid it, I'll still feel shamed by it and I'll never be free from it.

So strap yourselves in, dear audience, it's going to be a bumpy ride. We're talking a full on train wreck with me as the conductor.

I realized today that appearances have meant more to my family than the truth. As long as we looked like we did the right thing, then it didn't matter what we did behind closed doors.

You can find true integrity that way. And maybe, just maybe, my inability to feign perfection manifested itself in a very visible and unavoidable imperfection.

Either way, in order for this to work I have to have true integrity. It doesn't matter what I did twenty years ago, it matters what I learned from it.

Do me a favor, eh? Keep reminding me of that. Because this introspection stuff sucks, especially on in a public forum.

It is my hope, above all, that this book helps some other person from making the same mistakes I did. That way they won't spend 30 years hiding from themselves like I did.

21,500 words so far

2005-11-05T03:45:00.000-08:00

I'll be half way done with this puppy by tomorrow night at this rate. It's amazing how easily it's coming out. Really amazing.

My therapist suggested that I write my life story when she found out that I was a writer. I resisted at first, thinking there is just too much of me I don't want anyone to know. But this book would not be ignored.

Even though I left a "cliffhanger" on the blog, I've written two more chapters since then. Now I'm up to my seventh grade year. Junior High, aka teenage hell, especially when you're different.

It's amazing to me how much some of these things still hurt. I never thought on them much probably for that reason. I'm the Queen of Avoidance. Looking at this stuff and feeling this stuff is not a pleasant experience. In the least.

It's also giving me newfound perspective for my kids. We don't think we forget what it's like to be a kid, but we really do. We forget when the center of our universe is being accepted by our peers. We forget how every single thing is a drama. When you're that young, you don't have any perspective on what real issues are. You have nothing to compare it to.

Looking back, knowing what I know now, and living through that awkward teen on the page, brings it all back. And you realize - it IS a big deal. You know it, because you can feel it again.

I just wrote about the very first time I suited up in the girl's locker room. It was torture. In the whole scheme of things now, it's probably not that big a deal. But then? It was the end of the world.

I'm really glad that I have undertaken this project. It's not easy, God knows, but I really feel better. I'm no longer running from the pain or hiding from the pain - or burying the pain. There's a certain freedom in that, and peace in that.

It really feels like I'm doing some emotional house cleaning.

This was necessary. I'm glad I'm doing it.

Epiphanies

2005-11-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

I realized something last night as I was writing chapter seven of Fatty. I think I know now why I hate to exercise.

Exercise, to me, has always been forced, never fun. My dad (who was in his sixties/seventies and in ill health) couldn't engage me in physical activity. My mom, who had been robbed of such things in her own childhood, didn't have the time or the inclination to do it either. My sister was eleven years older than me, so most of my childhood was spent around other adults rather than other kids. It made me smart as a whip and creative as hell, but taught me that recreation was sedentary, like reading, writing, watching TV or listening to music.

Having been a heavier kid all my life, school yard games as simple as Duck, Duck, Goose were stressful for me. I *liked* the fact my teachers loved me and other kids loved me. Getting any kind of criticism for being under par was horrifying for me. Therefore I would hate it when we'd play kickball, or any other type of sport, because I sucked at it.

Physical Education was my undoing. They took something I loathed, dreaded and avoided and made it mandatory. I hated that. I wanted to go to school and college, and probably could have lasted a bit longer than I did had I not had to face this grueling and torturous tradition.

I'm not just making excuses by the way - my nineth grade year was proof positive that without the stress of PE I could and did rise to the educational challenge. Nineth grade, which I'm planning to cover in the book, was a great year. Being the upperclassman (this was back in the days of Junior High) probably didn't hurt, but also not having to worry about changing in the locker room (horrific) or parade around in shorts that were too tight and showed off the body I'd rather have kept hidden (torture) made them great days indeed.

So I truly believe had I found a way around the PE thing, I could have at least gone past the tenth grade. I might have even graduated.

(I'm proof positive that mandatory physical education does not make up for a sedentary home life.)

Anyway, it really got me thinking that I was not conditioned to enjoy exercise. I never learned how to swim, skate, climb trees, skateboard, play sports - any of it. The older I got, the more of a freak I became because I didn't know how to do these things, so I just avoided it altogether.

Add that to the controlling, perfectionist people pleaser I was being groomed to be, and you have someone who looks at exercise (even now) like a chore.

So I have a few ideas.

I think it's time that my family get involved in activities. Jeremiah plays tennis, and I have been entertaining the thought of helping his game by all four of us doing it as freetime on the weekend. I also think things like miniature golf or bowling (which doesn't exactly trip my trigger, but I am willing to try at least once I guess) could easily replace going out to eat or going to a movie as family outings.

We have a really great state park not too far away, and I know more time there will make Timothy happy. He's a real nature freak and loves all that kind of stuff.

I also have been toying with the idea of combining my exercise with my writing. I could take walking tours of Abilene during all our various community events, then blog about them and share my town (which I do love) with the world. This does double duty. It gets me off my ever widening rear end for one, and it gets me out into the public for two. I need socialization, not isolation. I was never taught how to socialize OR exercise, so it's time I correct these things that stress me so much.

Hal Sparks had a blog back in September about making his birthday the day of resolutions, rather than New Year's Eve. He would declare the year as "The Year of" - insert goal here. Since my birthday is fast approaching, I think I'm going to adopt the same attitude and name this The Year of Courage.

This does not mean it's going to be an exercise in doing things I don't want to do because I think I should. It means I'm going to examine any reticence I face when approached with a challenge, and if the core of the problem is fear then I'm going to tackle it. I've recently come to the conclusion that the only person stopping me from being successful is myself.

I don't mean weight only. Weight is just a convenient excuse to fail. Primarily I believe if I were more assertive toward my writing career I could be a success. The thing that holds me back most - fear.

The first obstacle, of course, is Fatty. Tackling some very hard subject matter (namely, things I've hidden under mounds of flesh for umpteen years) has been rewarding, exhausting, enlightening and terrifying as hell.

I'm putting myself out there - this person I never felt deserved anything good in her life, especially acceptance of other people, even when that's what I wanted and needed most. That's scary. Once we get into the self destructive behavior including early promiscuity and drinking, it's going to be especially scary. I don't really want people to know these things BUT if this project is supposed to work (and it's already doing a LOT of things for me already) then I have to be honest. Hiding it all my life made me fat, unhappy, timid and unsuccessful. As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin for ya?"

It ain't.

So far people have been supportive of this project and giving me the comfort I was denied all those years ago. When people told me they cried during Chapter One I was surprised. Isn't that strange? I was surprised by kindness and empathy. This reaffirms my earlier suspicion that no one is going to be as hard on me as I am on myself, and I really need to start giving people chances.

So I'm going to "feel the fear and do it anyway". This is who I am, good or bad. I have to stop being so ashamed of it.

First on my list of things to conquer: Overcome the fear of looking foolish.

This fear has singlehandedly stopped me more than any other fear I have, and I have em all. I do not like to try and fail, especially publicly. Which is why bowling, minature golf, company picnics with things like sack races and physical competitions have always sent me running in the opposite direction. Even martial arts, which I would love to undertake, is something this particular fear prevents me from doing. Any kind of group activity, basically. I don't want to be put up next to someone else and be criticized or judged as being under par.

The most ludicrous of all....

Dancing.

I'm particularly jealous of Ellen Degeneres.

This woman looks like she enjoys every single moment of her life, basically because she's not afraid to look foolish. (Very few comics are, that's why they are in their chosen profession. It also might be why I look up to so many of them, aside from their obvious creative brilliance). She seizes opportunities to have fun. If they're not readily available then she MAKES them available. She starts off every single show by getting the audience to dance.

Me? Not only can I not dance in a bar where everyone around me is drunk and could care less, I can't dance by myself alone in my house.

That phrase "Dance like nobody's watching" does NOT apply to me.

So it's time to put on my boogie shoes and start dancing. I might even look into a dancing class for Steven and I once our financial situation improves. I have no rhthym, I look like an idiot, but that's not what it's about.

It's about seizing every single moment in life and making them count.

That will be my goal during my Year of Courage.

(Why do I feel like the Cowardly Lion about to embark on the Yellow Brick Road to the Emerald City?)

"How much of it is true?"

2005-11-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

This was the question posed to me by Jeff (my best friend) after he read the first few chapters of Fatty. Our friendship never really took off until after my dad died, even though we met a few months before, so he wasn't aware of all the specifics.

Most of it is true, in terms of feelings. The particulars or the details are embellished just because I've been so good at surpressing hurtful memories for so long that I really only remember bits and pieces.

I created Auntie Dee, who is an amalgam of the worst traits of my family rolled into one character. I really do have an uber-religious aunt she's based on, but she was no where near us when my dad died. Like I said before, the actual events would be changed for maximum impact for story.

But that eleven year old girl that no one comforted after her dad died? That's true.

The stroke was true. The death was true. Feeling different and isolated - all painfully true.

In fact, it scares me how true much of it is. I wanted to use the catalysts to create a character LIKE me, but unfortunately Gina is all me right now.

Ironically I can talk about the sexual assault and my dad's death so much easier than I can talk about the food. Talking about the food makes me feel the most vulnerable and exposed of all.

It's going to get worse before it gets better. As much as I seem to be throwing my family under the bus right now, believe me, my time is coming. Woo boy, is it coming.

I said to Jeff that it would be my luck that this book actually sell and would be the final nail in the coffin with my family and me. He said screw it, write it truthfully and let the chips fall where they may. I've decided that's the best way to handle it. I'm not writing this book to sell, really, which is probably why it will.

My life is kooky like that.

I'm pretty much at the end of my rope with my family anyway. All the feelings that this is bringing up are not pleasant, and instead of pain I'm really feeling a lot of anger. Anger that I get a lot of criticism for being self centered after I was conditioned to take care of myself because no one else was going to. Anger that I get a lot of grief for "taking advantage" of my family just because I accept what bribes they give me so they don't have to feel guilty for hanging me out to dry.

They can't give me affection or trust or unconditional love, so instead they give me grandiose gifts that are supposed to cancel their debt. But because I take it, that makes me a mooch and a freeloader.

Go figure.

So I've distanced myself from them, especially since my mom got her settlement. I've decided to tell them I do not want birthday gifts, and I don't want a dime of that settlement money willed to me after my mom passes on. She can give my part to my kids, but I'm not going to accept it and then live under my sister's ire for how I spend it.

Let her cash in. I've decided that the price of a relationship with them is too high for me to pay.

We had an unexpected financial setback yesterday to the tune of $700, but I refuse to ask them for help. I won't ask for an advance, and I won't ask my mom for a loan. I'd rather pawn my wedding rings to strangers than deal with the guilt I've had to deal with because "it's always something with Ginger."

So I'm going to distance myself from them while I work all this out. My mom probably gets the raw end of the deal in that she's not the main source of my resentment at the moment, but the current situation feels truly like a throwback to 1981 when it was them against me.

Even with my mom buying a new house I was left out of the deal. Even Steven, who has real estate experience.

So, I'm done. Done trying for acceptance and approval. I have to give it to myself and find some other way to do it than with food.

Which is all the time with my family amounts to anyway - going out to eat, going over to their house to eat. Food, food, food. That's their biggest bribe of all.

Someone's got to say enough is enough, and I guess that someone has to be me.

In hiding

2005-10-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't been around because I've been having breakthroughs that have been way too much to deal with. They really have "broken" through, and it's been painful and scary and a wee bit too much. I've just sort of filed them back and would do anything and everything else to keep my mind off of them. It hasn't been pretty.

Coming here meant I had to talk about them, so needless to say....

Saturday was a sucky sucky day. My best friend's brother died unexpectantly on a day where I had to come face to face with past demons. So I had the Mortality Card played right along side all this other crap I've had to deal with. Lynn was only 45, and no one could have predicted that he would die. In fact, my best friend's mother has cancer for which she's not getting any preventative treatment, so the whole family has to deal with her mortality on a day to day basis.

This was a total suckerpunch.

But that's how life is, isn't it?

That morning I had a fight with my 15 year old son. It's not an unusual occurance, we fight all the time about everything. I just chalked it up to his fighting for his place in the adult world like all young bucks. I now know it's a much bigger deal than that.

Of all of us, Timothy and I got the brunt of Dan's illness. We were the ones who actually endured abuse and anger, and both of us felt helpless to stop it. For Timothy, it's meant that he will never back down from a fight again. He doesn't want to feel that helpless again, and he feels a lot of self loathing giving himself over to pain instead of anger.

Which was what Saturday morning was about. The fight was so intense I was afraid we were going to come to blows, and I had never before worried about him striking me. It was a complete throwback to when I would face Daniel at his sickest and worry that he was going to kill me.

Ever since Dan went through all he went through with the meds, I've sort of canonized him - especially with the guilt I suffered because of the divorce. I felt like I abandoned him when he needed me, it wasn't his fault he was sick. I go back and forth between thinking that I'm beating myself up or letting myself off the hook. I did stay, and I dealt with all the things his sickness entailed - from the rage and abuse of being untreated, to being catatonic and unresponsive medicated to the gills. He was hospitlized several times and I was there for him, praying for him, loving him and doing all I could to make the marriage work. I did not divorce this man for lack of love, even if we had such a turbulent past.

But this wasn't cancer, this was an emotional illness that could affect my kids and I for a long time to come. It resulted in the kids getting taken away, and that's when I emotionally checked out of the marriage. I knew that I had made a choice (choosing to stay married to Dan) and it had sacrificed my kids. In fact I resented Dan a lot in those days, and I guess that was how I could condone looking outside the marriage for an escape. Basically I was punishing us both.

I didn't do a whole lot of things I was proud of in those days. I hate to say but I probably victimized Dan as much as he victimized me. That is why I can't deal with the abuse, because I feel like Dan doesn't deserve that on top of it all. He doesn't deserve to be immortalized in that way.

Especially when he was so much more than his disease. Though he could be a very scary guy back in the day, he was also the kindest and most loving and most emotionally tender people I'd ever met. His heart would break for total strangers, and he lived his life - especially his last years - in service to others.

That's how I want him remembered.

Apparently Timothy has the same issues. He reveres Dan and places him up on a huge pedestal. Neither one of us want to look at the abuse because we feel so damn guilty for how we treated him after he got treated and ceased being that scary guy who impacted us so much.

Basically we fought back when it was safe to do so.

Anyway, the fear I felt in my confrontation with Timothy - who is nearly 6' now and if he struck me it really would have impact - made me realize why being fat works for me. That's been the question. Dr. Phil says we don't do anything that doesn't pay off for us in some way, and I never could figure out - satisfactorily - what fat does for me, aside from the superficial way it isolates me from others.

Digging deeper than that, the isolation works because ultimately I don't have to meet anyone else or deal with any variables but the people I already know, who have proven that they will not hurt me. For everyone else it's a deterrant. They're not going to get close enough to hurt me emotionally OR physically.

Therefore, ultimately, fat keeps me safe.

Being big means no confrontations. No one is going to try to bully me ever again, because I'm big enough to bully back. In that way I'm very much like Timothy. If someone threw a punch, I'd wipe the floor with them simply because I will never ever be beat down again. Even though I feared going to blows with Timothy, I was ready to meet them with blows of my own.

And I think that's what scared me most. All the anger I have regarding my helplessness and my years of being the victim has always been focused inward. Just one violent confrontation with someone else and I'm afraid it would all pour out.

Because I will not live in fear. I will not render control of my life to anyone completely, for I cannot trust anyone completely. Being fat means I don't have to.

So needless to say I've had a lot to think about.

For the record, the situation defused with Timothy and we both talked it out. But it wasn't after I broke down into tears and vocalized that I wish it had been me who died instead of Dan - because I don't know how to deal with this.

The therapist is going to get an earful when I go back. I haven't gone because of my foot, and trying to stay off of it while it heals. That's not an excuse btw - I haven't done much of anything anywhere, and the two rare occasions I went out it immobilized me the following day. I've had to let everyone else pick up the slack. They have to do the cleaning and the shopping and all the other stuff I've gotten so used to doing since I started driving again.

Needless to say, this is hell on a control freak like myself.

I'll go back, don't worry. I'm going to need to with the book I plan to write in November, dealing with some issues I just absolutely do not want to deal with.

I guess that's all the more reason to deal with them.

A Piggy Update

2005-10-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been nine days since The Incident. I'm still in a lot of pain in my third toe and on the top of my foot, so I went to a podiatrist this morning. She said that it was a sprain and possible stress fracture, although they wouldn't be able to see that on an X-ray until it began the healing process, usually after ten to fourteen days.

Here's what my foot looked like on the 18th:

Here's what my foot looks like now:

She also gave me some more pain killers so basically it's just going to hurt until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Joy.

I tellya, I've been extremely upset regarding weight loss because it seems like everytime I get on track something comes along to knock me off. This puts off my exercise routine possibly by another four weeks. So I have been eating to spite fate. I know it's childish and counterproductive, but it just seems I can't get a break.

And November doesn't look like it's going to be good for the diet either. I once again decided to do NaNoWriMo, which is National Novel Writing Month. It's a challenge for writers to attempt a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

It's a good writing exercise, and given I haven't been writing anything I thought I'd cut my teeth on this project.

I was going to turn one of my screenplays into a novel, like I did last time. So I started reading books, since I was laid up and couldn't do much of anything else anyway. I read Waiting to Exhale (by Terry McMillan) and April Shadows (by VC Andrews), both of which included an overweight female character who was isolated by her weight. While the other girls in Waiting to Exhale were dating and having loads of Mr. Wrongs enter their lives, the heavy set Gloria spent her time watching television and eating.

This annoyed me.

In April Shadows, April - the overweight main character - never had a positive boy experience and was consistantly told by her sister how she needed to lose weight, as if that would answer her problems.

None of this is indicative of my experience as a fat woman. I cannot relate to those who go onto talk shows and cry into their hankies that they don't have friends or boyfriends because of their size. Here I am, probably a good 50 to 100 more than what they weigh, I have great friends and have been married twice.

I decided to write a book centered around a fat girl, and her experiences - different experiences than what is portrayed in the mainstream media.

Unfortunately, "Fatty" will probably also be autobiographical as I use my experiences on how I got fat and why I stay fat.

It's going to be a very difficult month. I tried to talk myself out of it, but my best friend Jeff has encouraged me to write it anyway. It was also the advise given to me by my therapist - to use my gift with words to exercise my spirit.

I've come to believe that I'm never going to stop being this 300 pound woman until she has her say. And this book may indeed be her say.

And even more frightening, I plan to blog this novel like I did my novel last year. I was going to whitewash it a little bit to make it a book suitable for teen girls - but I don't think that will do the story or my character any good. I need to look at this unflinchingly. This will include the sexual abuse, this will include teen promiscuity, this will include religious abuse and neglect and all the other things that have molded me to this person who needs to be fat to be safe.

It's gonna be rough. I could sit here and proclaim that I'm going to diet my way through it, but I won't even lie. If it gets too much, I may fall - scratch that, JUMP off the wagon.

This next month isn't about how much weight I lose. This is about Ginger...finding herself through Fatty, a girl who discovers that being fat didn't make her unhappy. Being unhappy made her fat. We gotta heal from the inside out.

So maybe that's why this all happened. To make me stop and really look at myself the way I am now instead of fall into the trap of liking myself ONLY because I'm doing something about the weight.

I'm giving Fatty November. Then hopefully she can help me find a fitter way to manage my emotions.

Which reminds me, time to make that appointment for the happy pills...

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy went to the ER

2005-10-12T07:25:00.000-07:00

And this little piggy has a contusion...

This little piggy went owowowowowowow all the way home.

After five hours in the ER, we were told I didn't have a break, but I did have a contusion of my tailbone and of my foot. The foot is swollen and the toe is bruised on both sides. I can't tell if my tushy is swollen cuz it's always swollen.

But sitting down is excruciating.

Only slightly less paintful than fracturing my pelvic bone in a car crash back in 1998.

Doc was nice and gave me codeine and a muscle relaxer while I waited, then sent me home with hydrocodone and some muscle relaxers last night.

I finally got doped up enough I didn't feel any pain.

This morning is a different matter. Last night I was dopey, today I'm dopey and in pain.

I think I'm just going to chill for the rest of the day.

Nothing good can come out of a stoned Ginger. My writing projects will just have to wait.

(And btw, it's not that I'm prone to using drugs, I just don't like pain. Daniel used to say it's all in the mind, that you can control pain through will. That's typical of what a man would say. My reply: my last son was 9lbs and 11oz and I had him naturally - no drugs whatsoever. I've had my pain quota for my lifetime.)

It Could Only Happen to Ginger, Take Two

2005-10-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I had a little run in with a mosquito and it won. It bit me right under the eyebrow and my whole eye ended up swollen shut.

I was not amused. Thanks to some benadryl I was able to get my eye back to normal.

The only problem that has been persistant is my back.

My back pain, which is in the lower back around the tailbone, shoots pain down my legs and it hurts to sit in one position for very long. Standing is okay, walking is iffy.

Regardless, I went for my walk yesterday at the park. I started smarting toward the end so I didn't walk the entire mile but I figured it was a good start.

I was going over topics to cover in my blog as I walked, because that's what I do at the park. I go over any and all writing projects, and quite often it's stuff I'll end up writing here.

Yesterday it was defining the difference between feeling good (losing weight, feeling energetic, doing what I need to do) between feeling comfortable (not taxing myself through exercise or denying myself my favorite foods). Feeling good, I decided, was infinitely better.

I stayed on task all day, with the diet, with time schedules - everything. I weighed in at 303lbs but even that didn't knock me off balance. I expected to see a gain giving the way I've been eating lately.

I even decided I needed to hear what 300lb Ginger needed to say. She's not going away till I get it.

Basically she needs me to validate her. Not Steven, or friends or family - or even society. She needs to get that from me. I need to attagirl her from here till next Tuesday. Otherwise she will never go away. That means celebrate the good, learn from the bad and get my moods stabilized quick.

Needless to say I was feeling pretty good coming into today.

Untillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll....

I mean it's so stupid, a total comedy of errors I have to laugh almost.

I have these oil burners to fragrance my house. In my bathroom I've been using wax fragrance, which melts with the help of a tea light candle and releases the fragrance oil. I burn them pretty much every day, I like a nice smelling house, so the oil had evaporated.

The wax, though, was still in the cup. I needed to melt it so I could dump it and add more fragrance.

Normally I do this by using a paper towel folded up to protect my hand. Never had any trouble.

Until today.

I go in about an hour an a half ago, fold up my paper towel and head into the kitchen to dump the wax in the trash. I don't put it down the sinks for obvious reasons. This time, however, the heat burned right through the paper towel, and as I moved the towel around hot wax spilled all over my hand.

I then sprinted to the kitchen trash to dump the wax quick so I can wipe the other, burning stuff off my hand. Well, yesterday Jeremiah had cleaned up some stains in the carpet and the carpet was still wet. I, because I'm always barefoot, managed to get my foot wet and when I hit the linoleum of the kitchen lost my footing, bent my foot completely under me and landed right on my aching tailbone.

At first, my main concern was my back. I told you that's where the pain has been in my back primarily. Then I realized how badly my foot was smarting something fierce.

My first thought is well, there goes the walk for today.

But now, an hour and a half later, I think I may have broken a bone in my foot or toe or both. I can't bend my toes very much and I can't lay my foot on it's side without sharp pain.

And my tailbone isn't much happier with me.

Not only will I not go to the park today, I'll probably end up going to the clinic.

And we ALL know what happens when I go to that clinic.

A SHOT.

Not a happy camper.

Again, the whole thing was just a comedy of errors of very weird things that just happened to fall into place. It would be funny if I didn't hurt.

So far I've soaked my foot and taken some Advil. I'm doing everything to avoid that dumb shot.

It's not workin.

BUT....

I'm still doing good despite it all. I feel good and in control, and if I do go to the clinic I'm going to see about a prescription for anti-depressents.

Everything happens for a reason I guess.

This, that and the other...

2005-10-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

That used to be a popular phrase back in the day, I'm afraid I show my age even knowing it.

But, it's true.

Especially since I decided to renew my commitments to my weight loss journey today.

Not just my weight loss journey, though, but everything.

I don't know if you're aware but Reality TV does have an upside.

First of all, it helps you see that your problems aren't so overwhelming. The people they find for these shows actually have PROBLEMS, so my problems see far more manageable.

Second of all, it makes you grateful for what you have. If you watch Super Nanny, you think, "Wow, my kids are pretty cool." Or if you watch many other shows about married couples and their problems you figure out that you have something pretty great.

Not perfect, no. But nothing ever is.

Thirdly, it helps give you ideas how to handle your not so bad problems even when you do have them.

Case in point: Super Nanny.

If any of you catch this show, Jo, the SN, is a big believer in schedules. She turns chaos into organization just by a little grid of how people can divide their time and manage their lives.

I'm thinking this might work for me.

Hence right now is "AOL Journal Time."

I think breaking up my day into smaller, more manageable groups will help me tremendously. Especially when I have to schedule exercise into it.

Which, btw, I'm not especially looking forward to. My back has been giving me such fits lately (yesterday was a total bear). But I kinda came to the conclusion that my back acts up whenever I exercise a bunch for a while, then go completely sedentary.

It's time to get it loosened up and stronger by actual exercise.

I don't plane to overdo it though, so no worries.

In fact, I think today I might just start out slow with a mile w-a-l-k at the p-a-r-k.

Slow and easy wins the race, right?

Oh yes, I must go weigh in first.

I don't wanna.

I don't wanna post it either.

I've started over so many times on this journey so far this year it just seems so empty to start it again.

But another one of my resolutions (no birthday, no new year, just a good ol fashioned wake up and get back on track resolutions) is to be true to my word.

The good news is I only have to do it for today.

Today is the only thing I have control over. Yesterday is gone, and I can undo the past. Tomorrow is not even guaranteed. Therefore I have to deal with the only real, tangible time I can, and that's right now.

Another good (?) thing about reality tv, I discovered last night quite by accident.

I've been watching Breaking Bonaduce on VH1, the reality show based around Danny Bonaduce of Partridge Family fame, who is going to therapy to get a handle on some of his issues.

Last night, Danny blew a gasket because his wife Gretchen was going to have strippers at her party. Nothing bad, just a joke her friends were going to play on her. They were having a slumber party at a nice hotel, and Gretchen is SO not the person who would relish it. She was embarrassed and giggly but understood it as the joke it was.

Danny, on the other hand, who isn't "allowed" to go to strip clubs because of his sex addiction, got very upset and was going to storm the hotel and beat the hell out of anyone who got in the way.

Danny, also, has been dealing with drinking, steroid abuse and some anger managment issues.

From what I can see, from what I have seen anyway, it appears that he very well may be bipolar. His moods are very erratic, and this also may be from the steroid abuse, but I think his mood swings came before that.

It ended with Danny trying to commit suicide because Gretchen wanted to leave him over the whole hotel incident.

After the show ended, I broke down. I mean, broke down. I don't even know where it came from.

But I know how it feels to live with someone who can go off like a bottle rocket, whose anger and mania can be so out of control it affects everything else.

When Danny got mad at the therapist and stood to his feet in a threatening manner, Gretch was right there, standing in the middle to intervene.

I remember the days that used to be me. Loving someone who didn't love themselves and was ready to self destruct and take anyone in a ten foot vicinity with them.

I lived that way for many years with Daniel. It was scarier because Daniel, unlike Danny, didn't bother to hide his mania from his kids. Daniel, for many, many years, was a scary guy who would flip from one personality to the next with little to no provocation, and heaven help anyone that was in the way.

If you haven't lived with this, you have no idea what this does to you, and how you feel like you're walking a high wire with no net every minute of every day.

I remember what it was like to love the one Daniel who would be so caring and so giving and so strong, and yet still hate the Daniel who was insulting, frightening and abusive. And I never knew, from one day to the next, who exactly I was going to be dealing with. I would go to work and everything would be fine, then come home from work and he was on the warpath.

It was turmoil. All the time. Turmoil.

After Dan got help for his illness (which was really the culprit in the whole scenario), he changed back to the Daniel I loved. The wounds were still there but I guess I overlooked them because I admired him so much for reaching out for help and then doing what he needed to do for his family.

It was almost sacrilege to even think about the years of abuse and the way it impacted me and the kids. This has been even more true since he died.

If anyone spoke ill of him the kids and I would be quick to get in their face and defend him and his honor.

Because there was honor.

Unfortunately, there were also years of living with a person with bipolar disorder and psychotic episodes. And until last night, I didn't realize it still hurt.

In my ever continuing pledge to keep things honest and stop being a slave to my emotions, I had to stop and acknowledge it.

It doesn't diminish who Dan was to deal with the pain.

It sets us both free.

I hope Danny and Gretchen get there too.

Life on Auto Pilot

2005-10-08T05:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my best friend's birthday. He's 36. The next birthday this year in my particular circle is my own.

Turning 36 is really no different than turning 35 or 34 or even 30 for that matter. I started this journey two years ago and I realize - with much frustration - that I'm still in the same spot.

And worse, I feel like time is passing me by. While I'm hiding in the safety of my own four walls, and my enormous (and getting enormous-er by the minute) body, chances, and experiences and life is passing right by me.

The chatterbox, in other words, is in full effect. Especially when I realize that my body is now starting to show the excess I've been indulging in lately. Things are more jiggly than they used to be and I feel like the Pillsbury Dough Girl.

So in effort stop looking behind and worrying what's ahead, I've decided to make each day a cause for celebration. I have decided to take authority of my day and the course it is going to take.

There's nothing that is going to happen today that I cannot handle. Every decision, even the mistakes, will do their part in teaching me one more lesson life has to teach me.

This is my chorus:

This is my day.
It was created especially for me
By a loving and forgiving Father.
It is my day
To be all I can be
And all the things
I have yet to become.
For there has never been
Nor will ever be
Another as perfectly me
As I am right now.
All my lessons
The trials and the pain
Were there to forge in me
A spirit that will not be broken.
Within me I have the power
To take whatever happens
And be stronger for it
Good or bad.
I may not control my circumstances
But I control how I respond
There is nothing that will happen
That I cannot handle
For this is my day.

Here are a few of my resolutions.

Starting Monday (giving myself an opportunity to get on a sane schedule again) I will begin my eating and exercise regimen. Take each day as it comes and try to keep a decent schedule.

I plan to take things slow, because my back has been giving me grief.

But I also plan to find a doctor this coming week to get not only my back checked out but finally get on an anti-depressant. Now that my mood is on a more even keel, I want to do what I can to keep it there.

Most importantly I plan to keep my boundaries. If my family tries to sabotage my efforts, I'm going to have to make a stand.

Why?

Because this is my day. In it I have the power to be all I know I can be. I will no longer relinquish that in order to self destruct.

I deserve better.

Not enough love in the world...

2005-10-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

There was a song out in the 80s called "Not Enough Love in the World" by Don Henley.

I've always considered this my theme song.

I attributed it to my horoscope, rather than any emotional problem.

Thanks to this book Codependent No More, I've started to re-examine my position on the matter.

What I always thought was an enormous heart to love might just be an enormous need.

I can trace it back to my childhood, and the author calls this "unfinished business".

I've been pretty open with my childhood experiences and how I never really felt nurtured by my mother.

My dad was considerably older so he stayed at home with me while she worked. What little time we did spend together was usually disciplinary. My mother was very strict, almost militant.

I see bits and pieces of that in my own mothering, although I have endeavored to err on the other side of that coin. I want to give my children choices, not orders. Unfortunately, that's come at the cost of the discipline, because I wanted to be more loving to my kids than my mother was to me. I mistook my need for their acceptance as their love for me, and have been a doormat in their discipline.

In other words, I fold like a cheap lawn chair.

But that's a topic for another day. I've actually felt more positive about my mothering skills of late. No need to beat myself up for the mistakes I've made.

Which is really the crux of this blog.

I've decided that there isn't enough love in this world to fill the hole I have inside. I have long tried to escape into someone else so that I can fill this hole, but really no one can do that. Not Steven, not my mom, not anyone. Not even God.

Before you try to correct me, I'd like to point out even God needs our help to love us. If we consistantly reject him or get in his way to do his will in our lives, what he can do for us is limited.

That is the catch 22 of free will.

The fact of the matter is I can't keep searching for this overwhelming love outside because I need to apply it from the inside out.

The problem is, I don't know how to love properly.

And because I can't give it, I can't receive it.

Again, I think it's generational.

My mom was born in 1937, right at the end of the depression. Her family was poor because her mother - who had a lot ofmental issues - did not know how to take care of finances.

Her mother didn't know much of anything, this poor woman was so abused by HER parents (locked in closets and things of that nature).

Anyway, she was militant with my mom and her siblings, never allowing them anything other than study and work. My mom doesn't know how to swim, skate, bike or even climb a tree.

Her childhood - what she had of one - was constantly in turmoil.

Especially when her folks divorced, something very rare in that generation.

It set the stage for what kind of childhood I would have.

Militant, religious and unloving.

Of course, my mom would not consider it an unloving atmosphere. She equated love with providing for her children so they never had to sleep in gutters like her brother did. And that we didn't, and I even had a pretty good childhood materially speaking, is a success in her mind.

But she didn't know how to relate to me because her mother never related to her.

The only reason she was close to my sister was because my sister was older.

My mom and my sister both do not know how to deal with kids. Best seen and not heard, be quiet and do what you're told, don't talk back, etc.

So when the time came that I needed nurturing (after my dad died) and I didn't get it, I searched for it elsewhere.

Like a lot of girls who lose their dads early on in their childhood, I sought out older men for attention and affection.

I mistook both of those things for love.

And I was used like a dirty dish rag because of my need for what I perceived as love.

Just like you can't plant corn and get apples, you can't plant need and get love. All I ever got was more need.

So often need and love are polar opposites of each other.

Need storms over boundaries that love respects.

Need relies on guilt to get its way, love insists on fairness.

Need denies deprivation where love knows how to say no.

Need clings to people, relationships and things when love learns how to let go and say goodbye.

I would be so plugged into that need that abandonment really became a major issue. I was so afraid of losing that connection I would do and sacrifice anything to keep it. Self esteem was one of the first casualties.

The only way any of this will change is if I now nurture myself so that I will know the difference between love and need.

I believe that God had it right in 1 Corinthians 13 on what love really is.

4 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; 5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you all that I have not regarded myself by these standards. Therefore it is logical to conclude I don't regard anyone else by these standards either.

I beat myself up for all the wrongs I've done in my life. If you think the mental ticker I keep for everyone else's mistakes is long, it is shadowed in comparison to the one I keep of my own.

I was brought up to believe that humility and self loathing were one in the same. Loving one's self is vanity or selfish. Religion tells us that is so. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that religion is a bunch of hooey on a good day.

Therefore I have to push past all the emotional barricades and the religious brainwashing and get to where I truly believe God wants me to be.

Learning how to apply 1 Corinthians 13 to the person who really needs it the most.

Myself.

My name is Ginger...

2005-10-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

And I'm a codependent.

Who knew?

Lemme guess. Y'all knew.

Why didn't you tell me????

So I'm reading this book "Codependent No More" as suggested by my therapist, and I'm seeing myself all over this book. I don't much care for it, either.

Especially when I have found much righteous indignation in being victimized; it's hard to square things in my head that I, in fact, put myself in that role willingly.

This.

Sucks.

What's worse, I think it's hereditary. I believe these are traits passed down in my family.

All those things I blame my mother for, I now do - just differently.

But the intent is the same.

For instance, I have long complained that living with three menfolk has tried my patience to the breaking point more than once.

Namely, housekeeping.

Now, I'm no saint in this area - I'm a slob and I know it.

So I especially resent picking up after everyone else when they're sloppy too. It just feels like if the house is to be clean, really clean, then I'm the one who will have to either do it or tell someone to do it.

Here's how it will happen...

Every few months I'll get manic about needing the house clean... usually during a state of emotional chaos that has resulted in a physical manifestation, like being sick (which is where I am now)

Being in a clean house makes me feel more in control. Even if being in control is an illusion (which it is), it certainly makes me feel better.

So I'll clean the house, what I like to call "Mom Clean". Which means I will attack the nooks and cranies with fervor and get things cleaned that I never noticed were dirty before. (Cabinet doors for instance) Sometimes I'll even move furniture, depending on the state of my back, which, unfortunately for me, wasn't so good this past weekend.

Anyway, as I'm cleaning all these places oft overlooked by said menfolk, I will grow increasingly resentful. I won't say anything, I'll just keep cleaning. But the more things I find (and look for, mind you), the angrier I get.

Eventually it'll explode into a screaming tirade where I'll berate each and every Testosterone Unit in my house. They will then try to help me but at that point it's too late and I'm already mad, therefore I will be the martyr who risks life and limb to do what they so carelessly overlooked before... much like I did this weekend - with a bad back and threatened throwing it out again to prove my point.

Instead of making it a family affair and getting everyone involved, I'll feel resentful that I'm being "used" and "taken advantage of". I'll then start a mental ticker of all the things I do for them without their even having to ask, and they can't even help keep the house clean for me when they know it helps keep my mood stabile.

I've ceased being in control to being a victim, which I always hated to consider myself as.

Codependent.

And it SUCKS.

What's worse, I think I've deliberately set myself up in relationships that either exploit it, or allow for someone else to be codependent of me.

What a sick little circle.

I mentioned in my last blog about having a family bbq in which my diet - which up until then was perfect - got shot to hell. The first week it was great, those three weeks since the bbq, completely downhill.

But of course it wasn't my fault. It was theirs for not caring enough about me that they had to center one more family affair around food. (That's three times now since Sept. 13)

I realized that it was a total reaction to codependent victimization.

I didn't feel I could say no to the bbq, even though I wanted to. I felt in control of my diet and I didn't feel like I was ready to put myself into a social situation that revolved around food.

But I felt like if I said no, I would hurt my mom and Michelle's feelings and so I went.

And because I felt put upon, doing something I really didn't want to do, I indulged in food because I felt like it was my right to do so.

I haven't gotten back on the wagon since because I have felt so guilty and resentful that I feel entitled to self destruct.

No one else cares about me, so why should I care about myself?

Total victim.

And it SUCKS.

So now that I know what the problems are, what are the solutions?

Well, the book says I must learn detachment first. I need to detach myself from unhealthy obsessions. Like worrying if my saying no and being truthful is going to hurt someone else's feelings.

I'm not responsible for someone else's feelings. All I can do is be truthful to my own.

And I can't allow my self esteem or my self worth to be dependent upon their feelings, their acceptance or approval.

ie. Boundaries.

I have to detach myself from the emotional triggers that have me reacting, and instead take a moment to think things through so I can make the best decision for me - regardless of how it makes someone else feel.

I can only be responsible for one person's feelings today, and that person is gonna be me.

Self enlightenment.

Who knew?

Yeah, yeah, yeah....

Workin it out...

2005-09-30T14:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't been faithful to this journal. No excuses, just... diet fatigue.

I'm sick of thinking about it, worrying about it and dealing with it.

I've, instead, been working on being me and right now that means being fat.

I'm making ok strides. It's one step forward, two steps backward some days.

I was doing really good on the diet until my family (ie my mom and my sister) had a bbq. It was downhill from there.

So I'm not watching what I eat. I keep my eyes closed as I shovel it in. It's easier to stay in denial that way.

BUT...

I've been establishing boundaries and I've been getting better rest and I think I'm fully out from my funk now. I'm even motivated to do stuff in the kitchen (ie cook, ie why my diet is shot to hell), and take care of the house. This is always a prime indicator I'm back to normal.

Whatever that means for me anyway.

And the diet is never far from my mind.

As a matter of fact I've actually been examining my options.

I got in touch with a former coworker via myspace (gotta love that place), and her pictures showed a big change from the last time I saw her. She wasn't as big as I was, but she had some weight to lose.

The photos showed she lost it.

I asked her what her secret was and she said that her boss had paid for her to go to a nutritionist and a personal trainer. She said it took a long time, but with their help it was so much easier than it would have been. She said she could understand why celebrities were stick people.

Since I've been going through diet fatigue, the thought of depending solely on other people for these types of decisions appealed to me. I have steadfastly refused to pay for this journey because I can do this on my own. While Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, LA Weight Loss, gastric bypass and Weight Watchers are highly successful, my goal was to avoid spending money on things I needed to learn anyway.

The temptation is, now that I know how to do it, is to just get over this hump here by getting on a program to take care of the little details while I worked out all the emotional BS that goes along with it.

So I've been researching the different weight loss programs to see what fits, both emotionally, financially and practically.

Nutrisystem appeals because you just buy their food and that's it. No program fees, etc. I also know Nutrisystem works because I was on it back when I was about 15 and lost 36lbs in 6 weeks. And I even cheated the program, and it still worked.

The drawback is that it's expensive. It's a little under $8 a day for the food, and that's just for me. I would have to eat separately from the family, which would throw their nutrition under the truck - and they don't need that. I would feel restricted on whether I could go out or be involved in food related activities like family bbq's.

A less restrictive program (and cheaper) is Weight Watchers. You pay to attend weekly meetings where you weigh in and find support in a group setting.

It's not for me.

I'm socially inept in the best of situtations. Putting me in this kind of program would add extra stress and anxiety I don't need. I feel it would be counter productive.

The last program to investigate is LA Weight Loss. I believe it's cheaper even than Weight Watchers, and it's a one on one counseling. I could probably use it. If I understand correctly you have to pay the entire program cost at the onset, which is a higher payout initially - but overall it's a significant savings.

Plus I think it will be helpful to have someone I don't know weighing me in. I think that will motivate me further to get back up when I fall down.

I'll go to a consultation to find out more.

Of course, what I really need (motivation) I can't buy. I've just gotta do it.

Knowing I can isn't enough. Knowing I'm worth it isn't enough.

I just need to get of my tuckus and do it.

I think it's just time I ask for that hand up for once.

Which, in itself, is a sign of growth.

One step forward....

I done dood it.

2005-09-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't write the other day. I meant to, but...life happens.

Anyway I did go to therapy. And as usual it wasn't as bad as I built it up in my mind to be. The therapist is a woman and she seemed impressed with the insight that I brought to the session. She also gave me permission to feel, and that was unexpected.

Before the session I filled out this paperwork where it asked me to specify some of the emotions that I have been having. Anxiety. Check. Moodiness. Check. Irritiabilty. Check. Depression. Check.

I think I checked off everything except hopelessness and suicidal tendencies.

Anyway she said that these don't hit us all at once, they can hit us all at the same time. But that doesn't mean I have to deal with all of them at once.

We pinpointed that the main problem I have is anxiety, and it was because I'm just so overwhelmed with everything.

She also agreed that I should pursue medication. But she warned that once the medication levels out my emotions, not to give up on the therapy. She says that medication can only help so far.

She wanted to see me every week, but I can't afford that - even with the co-pay. I compromised and said every two weeks (basically every payday).

She also gave me an exercise to help my self esteem, which is really the root of everything - from the weight to my self destructing relationship tendencies. To summarize, I just don't feel like I'm worth being happy or successful.

So she told me that every day I need to look in the mirror and verbalize out loud five things I appreciate about myself. We talked about how confident I was when my dad was alive because he constantly boosted me up. Once he died and that was gone, I probably didn't immediately buy into the negative messages that replaced what he told me right away. It took time to change my self perspective.

Naturally, then, it will take time for this to work too. She said I won't feel it right away, and she's right. You all know I've attempted this type of exercise before, but gave up after a while because my feelings didn't change.

She said that even if I don't feel it, I need to do it.

That will be the hard part.

She also gave me a book to read called "Codependent No More". The suggestion threw me because I never ever thought I was codependent. I resisted that idea. But the truth is I respond more to being needed than to being loved. That was why Steven's new job threatened me so much.

If he didn't need me anymore, why would he stay? Or more precisely, if he didn't need me, how then could I control whether he stayed or left?

And it's all about control for me. I respond more to being needed because I can control whether or not someone needs me by what I do for them. But love is a lot more elusive. You can't earn it. It is either given or it isn't, and that's in control of the other person.

So it looks like I'll be getting this book. And not a moment too soon.

In other news, I don't think I'll be making it to the walk next month. Our finances just aren't strong enough to justify the trip. I feel really bad about it too, because so many people have given so generously.

So I decided I may not make it to Los Angeles, but I can walk here. I'll spend that Saturday walking a 10km route here in town.

Not only that but I want to try and match the donations given to me if at all possible. I still believe in the cause, and that's what is most important anyway.

Therefore I will walk, just maybe not in West Hollywood with the rest of my crew.

It sucks, but what can you do?

I'm also going back to weighing in weekly. I blew last week because I knew I had a month to go before I weighed in. It's not keeping me honest.

I'll just have to figure out a way to deal with the numbers as they come.

In other words, I'm actually going to have to mean it when I say the numbers don't matter, and I'm more than just some numbers on a scale.

Therefore this journal will return to its true original intent.

A Journey to Me.

Fasten your seatbelts, y'all. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

I don't wanna go.

2005-09-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to be flat out honest.

I don't want to go to this therapy session today.

The thought scares the hell outta me.

This a real test of "feel the fear and do it anyway".

Don't.

Wanna.

I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I guess that's a good topic for today. Figure it out. Deal with it. Be honest about it.

I know they're not there to judge me. I know it's just my anxiety.

Knowing and feeling are two very different things.

Right now I feel terrified.

Seriously.

The only thing I can tell you is that I'm relatively certain I've been packing on weight to buffer me from the outside world. To hide.

And here I am faced with the fact I can't hide anymore.

Emotionally, anyway. I've made baby steps not to hide physically, but even that's iffy on some days. Some days I'd be just as happy never leaving the house.

Today I get to do both, even when what I really want to do is blow it off.

Or worse. Put it off.

I hate this.

And did I mention I don't wanna do this?

Ugh.

Catching Up

2005-09-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not writing. I could make excuses but I won't. I just have kinda fallen away again.

And it's completely silly considering.

But good fodder for my first therapy session on Monday.

I have begun to recognize my defense mechanisms as they happen or even a bit before, so that's a positive I think.

Tuesday was a hard day, but I spent the first few hours not thinking about things. I kept myself busy and didn't allow myself to feel or think anything. My goal at the time was to get through what needed to be done, and taking time to grieve later.

Interestingly enough, during that first part of the day I was totally on track and didn't even think about falling off the wagon. Normally I would have given myself the freedom to use food if I needed it, but that didn't occur to me until later...

When I started to grieve.

I wrote a blog on myspace in honor of Dan. I was going to post two but by the time I got here I was out of words. That song was the best I could do, I was too emotionally raw.

Anyway as I was writing the blog I was listening to The Best of the Stylistics, which is one of Dan's favorite albums. The floodgates opened and there was no going back.

And after that happened, I started to get hungry. I hadn't eaten any less than any other day, but I was physically hungry. I started to wonder if my body is so conditioned to feed once it hurts that what I consider a phyiscal manifestation of hunger really comes from an emotional trigger instead.

Like I said, certainly something to discuss with the therapist.

Anyway, I ended up eating poorly that day, and I haven't been much better since.

I'm back on track today though. If nothing, time is improving my recovery time. I'm able to bounce back just a little quicker each time.

So, I'll come back with a better entry later. Meanwhile I have to get some stuff done before the high school football team tonight. Timothy will be part of the Saber Team for tonight's half time performance.

I'll have pictures later of my handsome son in full uniform.

Hearing Dan.

2005-09-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

Weigh In

2005-09-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I went to GNC this morning to weigh in and it said 298.

It's a gain, but ... I'm not upset.

Isn't that wild?

I gained about 4lbs this month, but I'm not upset.

Mostly because I expected it to be over 300, and so seeing 298, so it *felt* like a gain.

But I know that the last month, this last week aside, I was back to using food - in abundance - to comfort me through that difficult time. When I said I turned into the Girl Who Ate Abilene, I wasn't kidding.

So the fact that I *only* gained 4lbs was good news.

If I weren't back on track, then I would have probably been depressed. Now it's more like, "Okay, so I slid a bit bit I'm still good. I'm under 300, and I can keep the momentum going to lose even more."

I'll save the photos and stuff for next month. I haven't lost any inches to speak of.

So back to the gym and tackling the exercise next.

Right now I'm going to enjoy my *good* news on a pretty rough day.

God bless the heroes of 9-11.

Monthly Update postponed...

2005-09-10T12:19:00.000-07:00

But only till tomorrow.

I had a more important appointment this morning.

Timothy was in our West Texas Fair & Rodeo parade with his ROTC unit.

Needless to say, it took precidence.

It was a bittersweet morning.

Dan's loss was especially poignant today.

I figure that most milestones the kids go through will have that reaction. When they graduate... get married... have kids... it's all going to be very bittersweet.

I know he would have been as proud as I was. Timothy is growing into a man - I am more keenly aware of that every single day. When I dropped him off with the other kids, I caught sight of him in my rear view mirror, walking away all dressed up in his uniform.

I seriously broke down and cried.

But I cried on his first day of kindergarden too.

I'm a big softy that way.

I managed to keep it together while he was marching in the parade. I teared up but I figure I didn't embarrass him too badly.

You know, I have to admit. I really didn't want him to join ROTC. Dan joined the Army to please his dad, but it didn't go well. He had a problem with authority, and military discipline isn't for everyone. Figuring Timothy was his dad's son, I had my doubts.

But what really scared me was that I feared he was going to take the first few steps toward a military career. The thought strikes fear in my heart. Mostly because I have lost so many people in my life I really don't want to lose anyone else... and sending someone off to war is counterproductive to my plan.

So I was resistant. I never forbid him to do it, because I made the decision a long time ago that no matter what my kids decide to do I wasn't going to force my will on them. They're going to do what they feel is right for them, and that's what they should do.

I may not always agree with it, or like it, but I can't force my will on them. Because they're not me.

The only thing I can do is love them unconditionally.

So, even though I didn't like it, I didn't stop him from pursuing this.

I did, however, express my reservations. I told him that I was not going to stop him from doing it, but I wasn't going to lie about how I felt about it either.

As he got involved with the program, I've watched my son transform. He's passing all his classes, he's more polite, more responsible, more respectful.

The other day I sat him down and I told him, "You need to mark your calendar as a red letter day, because I'm going to say something you're not going to hear from a whole lot of women in your life. I was wrong."

I then went on to tell him how proud I am of him. I think it was probably long overdue.

So watching the crowd applaud for him today was especially exciting for me. Because I know how much he needed to hear it. He even commented on it later and said that it was cool that people clapped or wooted at him. I asked him how that made him feel. He said, "I've been waiting to hear that for a long, long time."

Today was his day.

It was a good day.

And I believe that somehow, some way, Daniel was right there beside both of us, cheering, clapping and crying harder than anyone else.

A Day Late, but Mission Accomplished

2005-09-07T06:56:00.000-07:00

I was pretty much useless yesterday. I've been taking Nyquil for my cold and haven't been sleeping well. Yesterday was yet another futile attempt.

But when I got up yesterday (last night) I managed to get some work done overnight and then I waited till 8am so that I could make an appointment.

And I did. My appointment is Sept. 19th.

This particular place doesn't prescribe medication, they said I'd have to go to my regular doctor for that.

That'll be step number two.

So... I'm getting there.

I'm getting there.

I'm on track with eating, but still haven't managed the gym yet.

Baby steps.

A new day.

2005-09-05T05:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's blog was a scary, scary thing for me. It never used to be, but since probably the thing with Steven last year, I have left more and more unsaid. This journal ended up losing its usefulness. Which is why I haven't blogged nearly as much as I used to.

It is my goal to change that too.

I would like to clarify one thing though. In all my bitching, I never outlined some of the positives. Steven and I have some major core problems, but the one thing that we have managed to do through it all is communicate. Sometimes it takes a big fight to do it, but we do communicate. We both still love each other, I just think it's a matter of two wounded people trying to fix themselves by fixing each other.

That doesn't work, by the way.

Steven has his self destructive things he does (namely the porn or gambling or lying) and so I hang in there because I don't think he's being malicious about it. He's escaping from things in the same way I do.

We both "medicate", just with different things. Oprah has said on her show that we end up involved with people who are meant to heal old wounds, and I believe that could very well be true. It's true in this case. And so we trudge through, as best we can.

And we do talk, we do try to find other ways to manage our marriage. No one is signing the divorce papers yet and we're both equally at fault for the things that have gone wrong.

Even more positively, I think that we've come a long way from that couple who got together out of desperation and, in effect, escapism.

That being said, I came to an important revelation last night.

I was watching the season finale of Celebrity Fit Club 2 when it hit. We all know that I'm a results type person, and if I went into something like this (which I have done on a very small scale in this blog) I would expect to lose weight as a barometer of success.

But watching these people and their struggle has helped me tremendously in seeing that sometimes the journey to lose weight isn't really about the weight at all.

Case in point: Willie Ames.

Willie did not meet a lot of his weight loss targets or fitness goals, and in fact became very defensive and angry when called on these facts. Needless to say his overall results fell short of the weight loss goals, and in fact he even gained weight during the last weigh in.

But I really don't see that he failed because he had to come to a place - emotionally - that helped him see that weight loss isn't about losing weight.

Sometimes you gotta fix the inside to change the outside.

I lose sight of that so much in my journey - and it's easy to do. We live in a results society and clearly you can only truthfully see the changes on the scale and in your clothes.

I've suffered a lot of guilt that I have let everyone down in my journey because I have gained weight over all this time. I have no excuses for doing it - I basically let myself down most of all. I gave up. There's no way around it. I hang in there out of pride, hoping to con all of you the way I conned myself, but I had given up and grew complacent with the hard work I had done rather than do the really hard work that needed to be done.

Yet inside, I was doing a lot of work by focusing on something OTHER than the weight. I wasn't losing weight, but mentally I was gearing up to make some massive emotional changes that needed to occur before I ever saw success on the scale.

What got in my way was me. And this last year was my emotional journey to figure that out.

Last night I forgave myself for being so shortsighted.

This whole journey has been here to teach me something, and there's something to be learned from it all - even the times I've failed.

Especially the times I've failed.

That doesn't take me off the hook, I still am responsible for my weight. But it gives me the peace of mind to move on and take the lessons - all the lessons - I've learned since I started.

Having said that, yesterday was my first day back on a regimented eating plan. Eventually, as our money situation improves, I'll probably join something like Weight Watchers to combat a few other emotional hurdles I have yet to tackle.

Number one on that list: I have a big problem asking for help.

No, you don't understand. I have a HUGE problem asking for help.

This goes beyond the realm of "normal" pride. This has become something that identifies me as a person.

It goes back to my family situation, as everything seems to do. I want to do things totally on my own. I'm used to doing things on my own, and that's the way I prefer it. Mostly because depending on me, I can't get let down. And if I don't need anyone, Iwon't be devastated if they left me unexpectantly.

As Dr. Phil would ask, "How's that working out for you?"

Generally, not too well.

So I gotta get over myself. I gotta get out of my own way.

We've broached the therapy aspect before and I feel it's time to really look that in the face, unflinchingly.

The truth is, I'm scared of therapy.

If I could just go in, get some pills and leave - I'd have done it already.

I'm petrified of going into an office and confronting these demons face to face.

I think it may have something to do with the sexual abuse when I was a kid. The reason being is that I have been in therapy before and eventually things go there, and that's when I bail.

I'm not sure if it's still the massive humiliation or guilt I feel for that, or what, but I cannot face someone, anyone, and talk about this stuff.

It's a lot easier for me to sit here and write this blog than it is for me to talk to anyone. In my writing I'm my most honest.

In person, I'm a bit of a master manipulator myself.

I want to please my therapist, not fall apart and look weak and crazy.

Which is what I feel I will do if we open up some of these doors.

Is it stupid? Of course it is.

But it's the reason I have avoided therapy like the plague. I keep saying I will do it, but the fact of the matter - I'm too scared to actually go from talking about it to doing it.

My first real endeavor for therapy happened because my ex boss, yes that ex boss, thought I needed it. So I went, even though I didn't buy into traditional psycho-therapy. I found a Christian therapist, who happened to be a man.

I went several times, maybe about four or five, before we finally started to tap into sexual issues.

I stopped and never went back.

The second time I went for therapy (not medication, mind you, but therapy) was court ordered after my kids were taken away in 1998. I avoided it and nearly lost my kids, making excuses to myself that I wasn't the one who really needed the therapy since Dan was the one who had the history with the kids.

I went to one, and that didn't work out because I felt like she was judging me. She asked me some hard, uncomfortable questions so I bailed.

The next time I went to therapy I found a pretty decent woman who let me fall apart in her office on a weekly basis. I kepttalking about these things - namely my ex boss - and nothing got any better. After that therapy ended (on its own, because the kids were returned), I never went back.

I can't see putting myself through that kind of emotional torture when it didn't seem to help.

I can come here, for a lot less money, and do the same.

And I've figured out a lot doing that, the problem is there are some things that I don't know how to fix. I know what's wrong, but knowing is only half the battle. I need some tools to get over these mountains, rather than just looking at them fruitlessly with no way to climb them.

I'm not looking forward to finding a therapist to help me do that.

But it has to happen soon because I can't face 9-11 and the anniversary of Dan's death without some kind of anchor to sanity. I just can't. The first week or two I came home from Vegas were dark indeed. Very dark.

Scary dark.

And of course, I'm not going to ask for help to do that, I'll figure out a way to do it on my own.

Because I'm stupid like that.

Don't correct me to be nice - not asking for help when you need it IS stupid.

The good news is I don't have to stay stupid.

I'll make an appointment tomorrow.

Feel the fear and do it anyway, right?

The Dam Bursts

2005-09-04T13:01:00.000-07:00

In effort to be better at follow through, I feel a "cleansing" blog is in order.

It's not going to be pretty. For anyone.

So I hope you have your waders on.

Ok. In the past several months I've become a bit, self destructive.

The diet, forgeddaboutit.

I've turned into The Girl Who Ate Abilene.

Not only that but I've become the Girl Who Bought Abilene too.

If there's a vice, I've done it. I've drunk a bit more than usual but for the most part I'm proud to say I haven't sunk into that pit. And hopefully, with this newfound commitment of honesty, I won't.

As you may or may not know, Steven got a new job earlier this year selling cars. He's doing well, really well. It's shifted the balance of the money control of our house.

Before Steven found his niche, he didn't have a whole lot of luck with jobs and the major financial responsibility fell on me. Which worked for a while because I was so busy hiding from myself I was working A LOT.

All my money went to pay bills, and his money was more of "an allowance" that he got to spend freely.

I come from a family where the Mom worked and Dad stayed at home. My first marriage with Dan followed this same pattern. To me, money was my independence - and, unfortuantely - my control over the people in my life.

They couldn't leave me if they needed me.

So Steven's work habits, while they caused a lot of dissention for my family, didn't really bother me.

When the power shifted, I went through a phase of resentment and entitlement. This lead to me doing what I wanted, when I wanted and letting the bills get taken care of by Steven. There might have been something to my trying to drive him away because now that he controlled the money, I felt that he controlled me. So I rebelled.

This comes from the fact that my mother was pretty controlling for the very same reason. I remember being a kid and asking her for stuff and she'd say, "Oh, you don't need that". This triggered the deprivation, which triggered some ugly nasty feelings. Therefore I decided that I was going to make my own money and no one could tell me what I could do with it.

So I made my own money. And, for a very long time, I made sure I was responsibile with it. This worked through my marriage with Dan and up until I met Steven. By the time Imet Steven I was a self destructive mess and I didn't quite care about the money.

Which was easy to do around Steven, since he was basically a free spirit who did what he wanted to do all the time.

And this worked out until one event that would shape our relationship and the power balance therein.

Steven has a bad habit of lying to me. I don't say that to be mean to him, it's just a fact of life I've had to come to terms with.

And I haven't really come to terms with it. It still remains the biggest variable in our relationship that will probably end it one day if it doesn't stop.

We were living together by this point, in Gardena. I gave Steven the money to pay the rent. After being homeless, I can tell you that come hell or high water I will ALWAYS pay the rent. Period. Anyway, Steven made the very bad miscalcuation of taking that money to a casino and blowing it.

I don't think I've ever forgiven him for that, which has lead to my behavior in the recent months.

Pure and simple, it's been payback.

I've paid for him to play for six years, I get a few months to do what I want to do.

Plus there has been the ongoing problem with his extracurricular activity that he often lies about. Gambling. Pornography. Those types of things. So my chasing after my "emotional porn" in these celebrities who can't hurt me like Steven can was partially payback for that too.

It's not very grown up or mature, but that's the basis of it.

There are no excuses. But this is full disclosure time, people. And this is part of what I've been doing to self destruct and why.

My marriage has suffered greatly because of it. Steven would make remarks about how bad he feels that this is the best job he has ever had and we don't have anything to show for it. He makes passive aggressive remarks like that, that are effective, because deep down I do feel guilty that anyone has to support me.

I would never make a good housewife.

And it's part of that guilt that makes me angry at him for needing him so much.

After the whole Hal thing I probably would have dropped the American Idol concerts. I really thought I was pushing Fate a little too far.

Turns out, I was right.

I went through with it mainly because I had spent money on the tickets and felt obligated since my sister wanted to go. But when she decided she didn't want to make all six venues, I was thrilled. I was just then pulling out of my self absorbed spending frenzy and truthfully I wanted to get rid of all the tickets but the Phoenix ones (front row center was just a little too tasty to get rid of). We ended up straddled with three of the six venues we originally bought.

I pretty much decided it was my last hurrah. I would go, enjoy it and then back to being the responsible Ginger we all know and love.

Unfortunately, I ended up face to face with two major emotional meltdowns that had me even wondering if I was going to stay at my job or stay in my marriage.

The first night I left town Steven tells me that he won't be home that night because he's going to help a friend of his move. This struck a dishonest chord with me and I knew that he was lying. I told him, "I think you're lying." He swore up and down he was telling me the truth and launched into this huge story about everything to make his case.

That was night one of what I truthfully meant to be the last hurrah. It went downhill from there.

Except for the night in Phoenix, that was very cool and worth the money I spent on it. For someone who has hidden from life for years, I was right in the middle of it. I'm not going to apologize for it.

Vegas was a HUGE miscalculation on my part. Like I suspected, that much time alone with my sister proved combustible. She got her feelings slighted and we had a huge screaming fit in the Sahara buffet that almost lead to us getting kicked out.

Essentially, she accused me of trying to steal her company. I put my phone number, along with hers, on the business card in the photo we gave to Constantine, and she - after a few kamakazis - turned to me and asked me if I planned to tell his mother I was the owner of the company if she called.

Which I would never, ever do, and the accusation offended me greatly.

I ended up having to apologize for my inconsideration not asking her to put my number alongside hers on the card, but she has never apologized for how she made me feel. Nor will she. I don't even know if she remembers the altercation.

I can't seem to forget it.

So I come home and I don't want anything to do with the person who, in effect, was my best friend. Someone hurt me, I backed off. That's how I operate.

I had to really, truthfully examine whether or not I was going to continue working for her. What she did threw me back to my childhood when I was always playing catchup to impress her or my mom, and never succeeding.

If she could believe I would be so vile, then apparently she doesn't know me at all.

And I will never ever be anything more than someone on the outside looking in on my family.

Dealing with it has been a long, lonely process.

And if that weren't bad enough, I caught Steven in his elaborate lie.

Which made me even consider if I wanted to stay in my marriage.

After six years we can't escape from these behavior patterns.

Marriage therapy, yeah yeah yeah. I doubt sincerely it will work considering Steven is a master manipulator.

I just need to work things out on my own and deal with it from there. If he's along, he's along. If not, he's not.

I can't allow my mental health to hinge on other people anymore.

It's getting me no where.

But I haven't wanted to blog about Steven for a very long time because his family happens to read my blog.

My family doesn't, but his family does.

Ironic, isn't it?

Anyway, so I've spent the last few weeks angry. Angry at myself. At my sister. At Steven. Wondering if I need to just kick everyone out of my life to finally make a stand that I won't accept being lied to or disrespected.

I've come out of the other end of that deciding to keep my job, but keep my boundaries on how much I allow my sister into my personal life.

I'll stay in my marriage, but no more lies or else it will lead to a separation.

I've had to draw the line with the people I need in my life the most - and it has been a very, extremely scary thing to do.

I haven't blogged about it, because that's scarier.

So there you have it. In a nutshell. Emphasis on nut.

Now I'm going to submit this before I delete it.

Let the chips fall where they may.

Religion and Politics...

2005-09-03T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've managed to broach both touchy topics in the space of two days, aren't I the smart one?

But, believe it or not, it's all tied to the evolution taking place inside, to help things on the outside.

I've been a people pleaser for a very long time. It started with my family twenty five years ago when my dad died and I felt abandoned in the midst of people who, I felt, didn't care about me. Thus began my journey to make them care.

It wasn't my responsibility to make them care, but that's the job I chose.

It's a scary, scary world when the only person you feel has your back leaves you. And that's the way my family situation was.

I've talked about this a lot, so it's no news to the people who read my journal regularly. Apparently, though, I'm still working it out. Apparently, I still have a lot of hidden resentment and unresolved anger and I'm no longer willing to sit idly by and let things just collect inside of me like an emotional landfill.

That's why it's especially important for my mental health that, if I feel something, I talk about it.

And I've held my tongue for a really, really long time because I didn't want people to hear what I had to say and then not like me anymore.

It's all associated with the abandonment issue.

I feel like I have to work to earn friendship, loyalty, respect, love. And that started when I was eleven.

Rewiring my brain to believe otherwise is a tremendous undertaking.

It doesn't help that I'm a pretty intense person. People can feel attacked when I state an opinion, even if that wasn't my intention. I think it comes from the fact I never felt I had a voice, so when I talk I yell just to be heard.

I have two decibles. Silent and screaming.

I'm trying to find my moderation. I know now I will not be able to do that without therapy and very probably medication. It's just too much for one person to handle alone.

Last night I saw an ad for the Red Cross to help Hurricane Katrina victims, and they used the song "Bridge over Troubled Waters". I was struck numb. That's the song Daniel wanted us to play after he died, and for me, it's him talking to me from "the other side".

I broke down and I cried, my heart so full of pain I thought it would burst into a million pieces. I can't understand why, two years later, I'm still so devastated.

That's when it hit me. I don't think it's only Dan. I think it's everything, but I only feel the permission to ache over Dan.

So.

I'll work it out. I'll get through it. I always get through it. I'm nothing if not resiliant. Sometimes I feel like one of those boxing balloons that everytime you knock it down it just springs back up again.

But.

In the meantime that means priority one is severing my need to please. I'm going to rip the tape off my mouth and talk, and if that means I isolate or alienate then that's the choice I'm going to have to take. I am never going to find my way out of my walls if I feel like being me isn't good enough.

In that respect, I haven't been honest in this journal for far too long. I have people who read this journal whose opinion of me really means a lot to me... family and friends and people whose kindness has been a "bridge" over troubled water. I personally believe that my disease to please has been why my journey has been so hard to maintain. I feel like I have to make excuses or hide the truth.

In short, I haven't felt good enough.

That was no fault of any reader. That's my own insecurities and my own emotional baggage stored up for a long, long, LONG time.

Therefore my *real* resolve is to be honest and to be me, and to take the consequences of what that means.

That said, I remain unapologetic about yesterday's blog. I felt a stab of guilt that I wasn't "doing enough" because I didn't have money to send or the ability to open up my home to people who needed it. I've felt that guilt increasingly as the days have passed.

But today I just have resolved myself to the fact that everyone- from the poorest to the richest - can help where we are able. I may not have a lot of money to give, but I sure do have a talent to give. And with that talent, I'll rally help for the people who need it.

In the meantime, I believe it's critical that we as a country demand an accounting from our country's leaders. That is not to suggest it is not within our scope to help fill the gap, and I'm so glad we live in a country whose generosity and compassion is filled to overflowing so that, when the need arises, they jump into action to help their fellow man.

That's why I believe we live in the greatest country in the world.

Andit's for that reason we deserve the greatest leaders in the world.

They work for us, folks. When they mess up, it's time to ask some hard questions.

For those who can, please check out:

Sparks Nation--main

for a list of charities to help the situation in the Gulf.

Love you all.

I am so heartbroken

2005-09-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

It's a sad, sad day when a city in a country as great as America has devolved into nothing more than a police state.

Fires burn, unquelched. People die in the streets, deprived of basic human necessities - this includes the elderly, infirmed and babies.

The police hang a sign on their precinct - Fort Apache - "under seige". They wait out the storm. Not the physical storm of Hurricane Katrina, but the storm that has followed. The storm of Human Desperation.

Tourists were turned out into the street with no where to go, forced to survive the deadly streets where rescuers are being shot at, and anyone on the street becomes a potential victim to rape or even murder.

This is not some third world country. These are our neighbors. Our fellow man.

And I am seething with anger that our federal government has taken their time getting these desperate people the help they deserve.

A great American city was laid to ruins, and not simply because of a major hurricane. Lack of planning, insufficient resources and poor prioritizing play a big part in this growing tragedy.

The Mayor of New Orleans has grown angry as he watches his city crash and burn around him. Who can blame him?

Instead the responsibility falls on the shoulders of American citizens - corporations, charities and private citizens - who jumped into action to fill the gap left by the federal government.

I make no bones about the fact I never supported Bush for president. I never supported him for Governor of Texas either. I get painted with the "liberal democrat" brush pretty often, and that's okay by me. Label away, I don't care. I believe what I believe and I apologize for none of it - in the same way I don't apologize or justify my faith.

But this goes so far beyond partisan politics.

In 1999, when Hurricane Floyd headed toward Virginia and the Carolinas, President Clinton cut short a trip in New Zealand to orchestrate relief efforts ONE DAY BEFORE Hurricane Floyd - a Cat-3 storm - made landfall.

In 1992, while George Bush Sr. was busy campaigning, he cut short his efforts to rally support and rescue efforts for Hurricane Andrew.

In 2005 - as a Cat. 5 hurricane barrels toward the Delta - with decades of study under the belts of Washington bigwigs that New Orleans was particularly vulnerable to a catagory 3 hurricane, George W. Bush -

Was on vacation.

This is not a tsunami that struck out of the blue. This is not a terrorist attack with little warning. This was something that we *knew* was going to hit and we *knew* was going to cause widespread damage - especially to New Orleans.

What's especially disheartening to learn, is that ten years ago, after a flood killed 6 people in New Orleans, the federal government created a project called SELA - or Southeast Lousiana Urban Flood Control Project to help shore up levees and bulid pumping systems to protect New Orleans from at most a catagory 3 hurricane.

That $750 million dollar Lake Ponchartrain and Vicinity Hurricane Protection Project was never completed. The government knew that it wasn't completed. The funds had been diverted due to tax cuts and the war in Iraq. So our government KNEW that New Orleans wasn't adequately protected form a catagory 3 hurricane due to vulnerable levees that were supposed to protect the city.

Subsequently, a breech in a levee allowed the waters of Lake Ponchartrain to seep into this basin shaped city and create a state of chaos that is unfathomable in our modern United States.

Meanwhile - as a catagory 5 hurricane barrels toward the Crescent City - the president rode his bike. Went to a birthday party. Played guitar with a country singer.

Instead of rallying support to get those sandbags in place to help do what the incompleted levees couldn't, instead of sending what military troops we still have here to help keep the peace, instead of pulling together every possible resource to prevent this tragedy from becoming catastrophic...

Our president was on vacation.

Not even an hour ago, I was filling up the dog's water bowl and it struck me that there are thousands of desperate people in New Orleans who don't have water.

Imagine that. They don't have water.

When you flush your commode, think about these people who don't even have that.

Think of the mothers who have had to separate from their children so at least the babies could be evacuated. A woman gave birth to a baby in the street, the baby did not survive.

Life began and ended in the same moment, and there was no one there to help them.

Think about those angry, desperate people who may have survived the hurricane by the grace of God, but their country is allowing them to die in the street.

I don't know about you, but that is absolutely UNACCEPTIBLE to me.

When you're hungry, or thirsty, or injured, or sick, or hot, or all of the above, one hour is too long to wait.

We're now on day five.

There must be a reckoning. There must be accountability.

Forget the polarizing topics like the war in Iraq, or abortion, or gay marriage.

Again, this is not about partisan politics.

This is about America. This is about simple human compassion.

This is about the most generous country in the world rendered helpless by an ineffective federal government.

Just what kind of message does THAT send to terrorists?

So Mr. President. This is not time for a photo op. Please save your rhetoric. Please stifle your religious catch phrases.

It's time to stop standing behind the Bible and to start practicing it.

God bless the people of New Orleans and the Delta.

How to help:

Sparks Nation--main

New Orleans

2005-09-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

Every day the news grows more grim. A city just spitting distance from being 300 years old has been devastated in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Thousands feared dead. Thousands more wait without basic human necessities to be evacuated.

It's all so sad.

And it comes back to - "You Just Never Know".

I told Jeff as we waited for the hurricane to hit that if you lived in these regions you'd have to constantly keep an emergency savings in order to evacuate in these types of circumstances. The harsh reality is that there were far too many people who did not have the money to do so and were forced to wait out the storm.

Katrina was unforgiving.

I think what disturbs me the most is that there are groups of individuals who want to lay blame for this type of natural disaster.

I've read that some Jihad groups have claimed responsibility. I've read that some religious groups have blamed the fact that there are abortion clinics or that New Orleans catered to gay tourism for their devastation.

It's amazing how, in the hands of some, god has become a twisted deviant who lies.

Because in the Bible *I* read, God is a loving father. In fact, Jesus says that if we, as human parents, would do so much for our children, how much more would God do for his?

I know, that no matter what my children do, I would never send this type of "punishment" - this utter destruction and chaos - to "teach them a lesson".

What, then, would be the point of Jesus dying for our sins, if God is just going to punish us for it anyway?

I don't understand how a person can look at the same pictures I'm looking at and feel anything other than compassion. Especially those who label themselves as "Christian" - or Christ-like.

It doesn't resemble anything I've seen of Jesus in the Bible I read.

Perhaps I got a special edition.

Because in my Bible it says that the one who seeks to kill, steal and destroy is the complete OPPOSITE of God, and that Jesus came to give life and that more abundantly.

God was not the force of the hurricane.

God is the miracles of lives spared, and the scope of human kindness as the world reaches out to the poor people who have lost almost everything.

Like Jesse Duplantis (a New Orleans based preacher spared by Katrina, thank God) says, "The only Jesus some people will ever see, is the Jesus in you and the Jesus in me."

So What Would Jesus Do?

Well, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be judgmental, sitting on his haunches and blaming the sin of the city for the wrath of Hurricane Katrina.

No. My Jesus would be in the midst of the suffering, offering love and healing to those which need it, saving his contempt for the pious religious leaders who sneer down their noses at anyone they don't approve of.

Isaiah 53
3 He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 4 Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. 5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that made us whole, and with his stripes we are healed.

Sick, Sick, Sick

2005-08-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

The boys gave me their back to school colds.

Note, when I was eating right and exercising I was less likely to get sick.

Methinks that's the lesson in all this.

Simplifying Things

2005-08-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

I think part of my problem has always been overscheduling life. Free time is not my friend, simply because there's no where to run from it. If there are problems to be dealt with, they'll sneak up on you if you're not doing anything else.

So I overschedule my life and make things so complicated that, big surprise, I feel the need to "indulge" myself as a reward.

It's an endless cycle.

Therefore the first order of business is simplifying my life a little bit. I've dropped the college courses, for one. I'm working less hours for two, and that's just going to have to be okay. Steven makes enough money that I can slow down a bit and start concentrating on other things. Things that are equally important as money.

Running the household, for one. With Steven working ten hour days, six days a week, I need to invest more in keeping the house clean and preparing meals rather than just spending money we don't need to spend eating out.

That means I get to be a part time housewife. I think that physically organizing the house will do a lot to affect my mood. I cleaned up a bit the other day and it seemed to help a lot.

I've also decided that with this next grocery bill I'm going to simplify my diet as well. No more processed stuff. I'll have time now to prepare healthier, fresher foods. I'm also going to stay away from the white stuff.... overly processed sugars and flours. Not saying a low carb diet, but just choosing better carbohydrates. I'll go back to charting what I eat too, and keeping accountable.

Now to the hard part. The exercise portion of this whole deal.

I'm going to stick with walking the treadmill at the gym, but just one hour a day. One day a week I'll walk the extra increments needed to meet my 10km goal by October 16. I also bought a new Pilates tape, so once I get a new balance ball I'll use that for toning.

Just one step in front of the other. It's all I can do.

Been a While

2005-08-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

I spent a week out of town chasing the American Idol tour and Constantine Maroulis from Grand Prairie, Texas to Phoenix, Arizona and finally ended up in Las Vegas.

I met a great gal from online, and that was fun. We had front row seats in Phoenix and that was fun. Vegas turned out to be a big mistake, shouldn't have gone, should have taken the loss on the tickets and just cut my losses.

Basically, I got into a big fight with my sister that has left me off center for going on two weeks. Something was said in anger, and I haven't been able to let go of it.

I'm sorting it through. It has everything to do with some built up resentment in regards to how I was treated when I was younger.

I realized... I'm angry.

I'm really angry that my mother and my sister isolated me and made me feel alone and worthless after my dad died. I didn't deserve it. I was a kid who was hurting, and instead of getting nurturing and love I got their anger at my dad directed at me.

And quite frankly, it pisses me off.

Worse, I have spent the better part of my life since I was 11 trying to gain their approval only to find out - you know what? I may never get it.

I can't make up who I was born for, nor should I. I no longer apologize who I was born from or of or for. I'm a good person, and I've been damn good to my family even when THEY didn't deserve it.

But last week was a bugger trying to sort it out. I went through SUCH a period of worthlessness. Dark thoughts were my only companion.

It didn't help that a recurring problem with Steven reared it's ugly head and marred our anniversary. That it came right on the heels of the problem with my sister was just icing on the cake. I felt so utterly insignificant to the two people I'm closest to.

Needless to say, the last ten days have sucked big time.

But, out of the ashes, I decided one very important thing.

In this world I only have control over one person and that's me. I can't make anyone else love me or respect me - they either do or they don't. I'm no longer going to make myself nuts trying to be everything to everyone.

And that starts with the people I'm closest to. I think this whole event, while vile and distasteful and basically one of the darkest valleys I've experienced during this whole journey, finally cured me of my need to please.

I'm me and that's good enough. I don't need to do one damn thing to get treated with respect. And if people can't treat me with respect or trust no matter how I've jumped through hoops to earn it, then that's THEIR loss. I am done running gauntlet after gauntlet.

And if that means that I end up losing these relationships - then they weren't the right relationships for me anyway.

I'm tired of being kept down because it makes everyone ELSE feel better.

I'm on this journey.

They'll either join me. Or they won't.

But that will no longer be what defines my journey.

Or me.

Month Update

2005-08-09T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well I'm pretty happy with the results. I wasn't going to weigh in because I had been up 12 hours and of course it wasn't optimum to weigh, but I ended up weighing in at 294, which is a 2lb loss since the last time I weighed two weeks ago, bringing my total for the month (if we count that 5lb spike) 12lbs lost. (Or 7, if you don't count the 5lbs, which is still fine by me).

Measurement wise I lost 7". Not a lot, but I'm officially size 24 again.

I'm up to 3 miles at the gym now. I'm feeling the burn now. This is pushing myself beyond what I think I can do.

I'm also going to try and eat more frequently, kinda like Jorge Cruises' 3 hour diet. I believe that as long as you're never famished, you won't gorge. And it seems to work for me.

I don't have a calorie requirement per se. I'm trying to get around 2000, simply because I work off 600 calories just on the walk alone. Fuel the body so it can meet the demands I'm putting on it, but still create a deficit to promote weight loss.

I also think I'm going to try and eat more naturally. Instead of packaged food, try to grill some meat and eat some vegetables instead. May do a stir fry or something for lunch. I'll put that plan in motion as soon as I get the kids off in school.

Anyway, them's the facts. I feel it was a productive month. A good start.

I feel good... especially about the 2lb weight loss because that late in the day I wasn't expecting to see any loss at all.

It was a nice surprise.

Can't wait to see what next month brings :)

Important changes.

2005-08-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

No, not my hair, but I'm really pleased with that too. I've found that when I get my hair done and feel more attractive, it seems to lift me out of any funk and get me back on track.

I'm such a shallow girlie girl sometimes.

No, the changes come from just realizing how old I'm getting.

I don't mean to sound dramatic. I know I'm not *old*. But I'm approaching 36 this year and it's time I start getting serious about the things I want in life. I've played around enough, it's time to start getting serious.

The fact is, I've spent my whole life waiting. Waiting to have money. Waiting to be thin. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And it sucks.

Because time slips by a little too quickly for my taste. I look at Timothy who starts high school in a week, who is becoming his own man, making his own decisions... and I just realize that just like that - almost sixteen years have passed.

So if I want stuff, I better start a goal plan. I don't know what the heck I'm waiting on anymore, but I do know it's not coming on its own.

We tried to get a house, but it didn't work out. Turns out our credit is a bit worse than what we thought. Apparently there were some unexpected bills that showed up, and we're going to have to fix this stuff before we can get financed for a home. That was the bad news - it puts off our getting into a house another year.

The good news is, we picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and came up with a gameplan which means in a year (or less) we'll be in the position to apply for a loan and get it.

I stopped waiting on trying to sell my writing, and that's working out all right at the moment. I'm taking opportunities and on the ball as far as that goes. My continuing mantra - I will sell a script this year. I will sell a script this year. Damn it. I will!

I watched the Intimate Portrait on Karen Duffylast night and she said, "You become what you think about the most." Basically saying if you think you're worthless, that's what you become. But if you think you are talented, worthy and capable, then THAT is what you become.

I thought, how powerful is that?! So I'm empowering myself to become a successful in all the areas of my life I desire success.

Which brings us to another very important issue.

I haven't wanted to bring it up, cuz frankly I feel totally weird even considering it.

Basically.... I want another baby.

I've wanted another baby for a while, but Steven and I have been unable to conceive. So I fixate on it then I forget about it, then fixate on it, then forget about it. I haven't really considered it since I started my weight loss journey because I thought being my size was a liability - and everyone would judge me as selfish or foolish for even considering it.

But like I said, I'm approaching 36. There may NOT be enough time for me to get thin. Perhaps the best I can hope for is being as healthy as I can be, at whatever size I am. I've been on this journey going on 2 years this September and for one reason or the other I haven't been as successful as I've wanted to be. What if it's two more years after that? Or two after that? I really don't want to be 40 and having a baby, which, even if I lost weight, comes with its own complications.

I talked it over with my mother in law, who is an OB-GYN PA, and she assured me that I should still keep on track with nutrition and exercise, but I could absolutely go in and start treatment toward having a baby.

So I've decided that this is what I want to do. I'll still keep on track with exercise and food, but I really want to start my journey toward adding another child into our family. I plan on calling a doctor the beginning of September.

If all goes well, the baby may just come in time to be in our new house. It just takes dedication and patience - but action - toward these goals.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated. I may be foolish or selfish, but I'm just so sick of waiting to live. If I want to accomplish these things, then I'm going to need to stop hiding behind my fat as an excuse to not do them.

Because I am talented, capable and worthy - and the only true liability I have is thinking otherwise.

I rock. Um hum... Yeah. That's right

2005-08-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

I had a rocky start to the week. I didn't feel 100% so I stayed home from the gym. Which made me feel worse.

Wednesday I made it to the park instead and walked a mile, but with the humidity I was toast.

Which made me look forward to the gym, so I ended up going on Thursday.

This week marks my 2.5 mile walk, and so by the time I did it on Thursday I knew I had to walk a consistant 2.5 mph so I can get my walk in before the machine cuts out. Doing random, this was a pretty decent workout. By 1.6 I was done, emotionally. I kept thinking of excuses of why I could quit.

But then I thought to myself that you never know what you're able to do, until you push past what you think you can do. So I decided I was going to make it to 2.0 miles no matter how wobbly my legs felt.

I mean, if I felt like I was going to collapse I would have stopped, for sure. But this wasn't that.

By the 2.0 mile mark I felt good enough to keep going and I did.

So I consider this a huge victory. I wanted to stop, seriously thought about stopping, but kept on going to meet my goal.

I'm learning to do that with shopping to. It seems like if I just give in mentally to the temptation, then I have an easier time turning it down.

I call it the "Walking Around the Store" theory.

If you see something you want to buy, pick it up, walk around, and "own" it for the moment. Carry it around the store. This generally sates the impulse to spend and I am able to put it back and walk out of the store without spending.

This really works for me. I'm not really deprived, and I'm able to make a wiser decision based not on the impulse but on rational thought.

So maybe that's what the treadmill thing was about the other day. But I felt it a personal victory nonetheless.

And today I did it again, this time going up to 3mph in some spots, bracing for next week's 3 mile jaunt.

I was a bit down last week because I didn't lose any inches. I felt so bloated and gross for the entire weekend and into the beginning of the week it just had me down in the dumps.

I gotta keep reminding myself that it's not about anything other than meeting those goals, like I did on Thursday.

That's what counts in the end.

In other news, I am now an official member of the Zero 1 street team.

Zero 1 is a rock band fronted by Hal Sparks and they have really great music. My part is to introduce all of you to them.

If you check out my profile page on myspace, I have one of my favorite songs they have "She Waits" - with lyrics:

http://www.myspace.com/allgingerallthetime

or you can go to their myspace music page to sample other songs:

http://www.myspace.com/zero1band

or you can check out their old myspace music page under their old name:

http://www.myspace.com/thehalsparksband

where you'll find "On Living Dead", which actually inspired a lot of my work on my last screenplay. It's another favorite.

Now go listen.

And enjoy :)

Yeah so I cheated.

2005-07-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist the scale.

I weighed in.

At 296.

That's a ten pound loss from two weeks ago Saturday.

And this is on the gym scale, which typically weighs me in several pounds heavier than the GNC scale.

Will I hit 291 by August 1, my "official" weigh in?

Only time will tell.

And even if I don't, I know I'll be walking 2.5 miles by August 1 and that's more important.

Up to 2 miles now

2005-07-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

After a rocky weekend of fending off some kind of fluey type migraine induced yuckiness, I was back at the gym by Tuesday.

I'm not keeping an eagle eye on my food, but I am not overdoing it either. I know when I'm overdoing it. You know when you've overeaten because your body will let you know. It doesn't like it, and you feel gross.

So even when we go to Green Jeans, our local salad bar, I'm eating smaller portions just because I don't like that gross feeling.

I'm only eating when I'm hungry, and keeping my portion sizes and calorie counts under control.

I've also put a lid on my Diet Dr. Pepper obsession, figuring it was one of the main culprits for my Migraine-o-Rama over the weekend. I've weaned down to two a day, and I'm going to buy caffeine free next time I buy any at all.

It's just life, you know?

I'm not obsessing about the journey, I'm just living. Living aware, I guess you could say.

I've also reached a new level in my screenwriting career. I'm now "optioned", which means a producer likes my stuff enough to enter into a contract with me that he's the only one who can work with the script for a year. Director Guy worked with me to find an amicable agreement and we faxed over the contract the other day.

It's progress.

And better yet, we've passed another hurdle that one of the finance people read the script and likes it. Director Guy says that there are several hurdles more hurdles to pass, but we're in pretty good shape right now.

I'm feeling pretty positive about life.

Especially when my AIDS Walk Donation page shows I'm one-tenth of the way to my financial goal.

Thanks to Jeannie Burgess (my longtime friend) and Judy Rachal, I'm now up to $100. So thank you very much!! I appreciate all your support. :)

If anyone elseis curious how to sponsor me for the October AIDS Walk, you can donate here:

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - Donate to Ginger Voight

As you can see I've changed the title/description of my journal again, just because I'm so psyched that I can make an attainable goal. If I aspire to lose ten pounds, then I'm at the mercy of the scale - which in my case has not always been so merciful. I just have no control over how much weight I lose or where.

What I do have control over, is how many miles I walk or how much activity I get. And the payoff is I feel better, my clothes fit better, I'm obviously losing inches. So it's just a matter of changing perspectives. I can feel good in the now because I'm meeting the goals I set for myself. When I walk those two miles on the treadmill, I feel productive and strong and in control.

I like those feelings.

When I wait for the scale to validate me, I feel vulnerable and paranoid.

I hate those feelings.

No sense in beating myself up. Because I'm doing okay. :)

Four more inches lost

2005-07-23T15:44:00.000-07:00

Today's measurements show another 4" lost. I'm really excited about this. So excited, I want to go weigh in.

I have to admit this... I'm a weigh in junkie.

I didn't make it to the gym today because of another stupid migraine. I have to ditch the caffeine, that's all there is to it. I've been hooked on Diet Dr. Peppers lately and they're kicking my butt.

So I have to make it to the gym tomorrow to get my fifth day in walking 1.5 miles per day.

I really feel like I get a significant workout, even though I've ditched everything but the walking. I don't ride the bike, I don't work out on the weights. I haven't even been doing the crunches lately. I'm on that treadmill for at least 35-40 mins using the "random" program that gives me hills and what-not, so I'm sweating like a pig when I get off of that thing. It burns at least 300 calories a shot.

And next week I go a half mile longer.

So I've decided that is a good enough workout. I don't need to overextend myself and tire myself out because then it will be even harder to go workout the next day.

I have a new Pilates routine when I'm ready for it, and that will replace the weights for a while.

Right now I just want to get conditioned for that 6.2 mile - and let the chips fall where they may.

Meanwhile I'm going to let myself fall where I may because I'm in agony.

Keep on truckin

2005-07-22T02:19:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been as faithful to my journal as I used to be, but rest assured. I'm right on schedule. I've been doing 1.5 miles at the gym since Tuesday. I took Sunday and Monday off from exercise.

I also decided to lay off of the weight training for the moment. Instead I bought a new Pilates DVD to help sculpt and tone. That worked out well before without hendering the weigh in so much.

Plus I'm a huge believer in Pilates. It really does make a tremendous difference with minimal effort.

So I figure I'll get on track with the toning in the next few days. Right now I'm getting acclimated to the 1.5 miles.

I set the treadmill at random so I get more of a workout. I alternate the speeds and the treadmill alternates the incline, so I really feel like I'm doing something effective.

I have to say I'm really excited about all this. It's just what I needed to shift my perspective. Before it was more of how I looked or what I weighed or my size. Now it's about physical stamina. I want to be able to walk that 6.2 miles. This is more than just about a diet (which I haven't really done all that well on this past week, I haven't been overeating but I haven't been getting in the calorie window I wanted).

This is about proving to myself that I can do something that is a personal challenge.

I'm excited about the cause. I'm excited about the ladies I'll be meeting and spending time with. These are good people, with good hearts. I'm excited to see how much money I can raise.

Hint, hint.

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - Donate to Ginger Voight

For the first time in a long time I feel in control. I feel productive and strong.

It's not easy to go to the gym and get that walk in. But I go. And it's good.

It's amazing what having a goal I have control over can change my whole outlook on things.

Still on track

2005-07-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

I haven't checked in but I'm being good - for the most part. Had an off eating day yesterday. Lesson learned, I can't do fitday after the fact. The calories get away from me that way.

It was off by 200 calories, which I guess in the whole scheme of things isn't the end of the world, especially since I was still under what I take in, and still on track to lose weight.

I did have quite the shock yesterday during my "weigh in" process. I was up a whopping five pounds. Which, given I've been to the gym all week and been good all week was not a welcome sight. Especially when I was down three inches. I figure it was water.

I also figured out that I'm done with the weekly weigh in. I was going to do it to keep me honest but I felt so unmotivated to go to the gym yesterday after seeing that.

So I'm scrapping that weigh in, and will weigh in again in two weeks instead, when I update the photos. That way, I'll see a more comprehensive result rather than the fluxuations that occur from week to week. Instead, my measurements will have to keep me honest. And that's what matters most anyway, since the numbers on the scale are just that... numbers.

I went back to last year's July photos to this year's July photos, and I can definitely see a marked improvement in body shape. Yet I was twenty pounds lighter according to the scale.

So I know that what I'm doing (eating less, exercising) is what is healthy for my body and will get me into shape. I don't need to obsess over some numbers most people never see anyway. I figure it will all come out in the wash anyway. Eventually my weight will catch up to my measurements.

As of Tuesday my walk requirement bumps up from 1 mile to 1.5 miles. I'm antsy to get to the next level. I am really psyched up about the walk in October. My sister and I even figured out a way we can work out next month when we go see the American Idol tour and are out of town for a week.

We're motivated.

So I can honestly say that even if I haven't posted, I'm still doing well - rather than hiding because I'm jumping headlong off the wagon.

It feels good to do what is right and what is healthy again.

Like I'm in control.

I like that feeling.

Dah duh duh da duh da duh da duh duh duh duh

2005-07-13T02:09:00.000-07:00

(that's the Rocky theme in case you're wondering)

Guess who made it to the gym today?

My legs are total mush, but I got my first AIDS LA Walk Conditioning Routine in today. I walked one mile on the treadmill (which, thanks to My Wife & Kids, wasn't *too* boring), then I did 60 crunches, and I started a weight workout on my legs.

I petered out about a third of the way through...

But I started it. Next time I'll finish it.

I met all my other goals, no problem.

I don't know why I don't do this when I know how good it makes me feel. I was thinking about that at the gym. I will go for that emotional comfort (overeating) when the satisfaction I get from it lasts maybe the duration of the time I'm doing it. Right afterwards and long afterwards I feel like crap. One, because my body doesn't like it and two, because I know I can do better.

This one dude had a T-shirt that said, "There's nothing more painful than regret. No Fear!"

He's right.

God, is he right.

Speaking of my AIDS Walk LA, I'd like to thank Jennifer Schaffner for being the first to donate to the cause. I truly appreciate your support!

To anyone else who wants to sponsor me, here's the link:

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - General Donation

I'm on my way now.

Trying hard now
it's so hard now
trying hard now

Getting strong now
won't be long now
getting strong now

Gonna fly now
flying high now
gonna fly...

Fly....

FLYYYYYYYYY....

(I'm inspired. Are you inspired?)

I Done Dood It

2005-07-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

You all know that I work selling celebrity photos on ebay with my sister. Well, I bought some photos of Hal Sparks to donate to another Hal fan so that he could sign them, she could auction them and raise money for her various charitable causes.

So today she writes me and tells me that they're going to do the AIDS Walk in LA, and if I had the time and inclination, would I like to go?

It's a 6.2 mile walk. It's in October. And it's for charity.

I've often said that God speaks to us in three ways: coincidence, confirmation and the brick.

Methinks this was a brick.

So I signed up. I'm gonna do it.

What better goal could I have for my health, rather than a stupid number on a scale, than me being able to walk 6.2 miles?

I'm psyched.

And that it's for such a good cause, even better.

The only variable is getting to LA, but I don't even consider that a problem. By hook or by crook I'll get there.

The second part of this growth experiment is for me to ask others for help. I need sponsors. I set a goal of $1000. I'm not good asking for help, so this is the hardest part for me.

So to all you lovely people who want to help sponsor me in this huge endeavor, here's the link:

2005 AIDS Walk Los Angeles - General Donation

I figure if a hundred people give me $10, I'll have my goal.

As for my goals today, eh. I did the eating thing no problem but I've had such a headache all day that the activity was out.

I don't have that luxury anymore... I now have to train to walk 6.2 miles.

Guess it's time to go hit up Abel at the gym for some money and some training.

I'm going to AIDS Walk LA.

(If you want to join, that's even better. Details should be on the page. Let's do this together!!)

"It is what it is."

2005-07-10T23:01:00.000-07:00

That was my mantra today. Not going to beat myself up for going backward, just going to accept the consequences of my actions and know that no matter what it is, it'll be changing.

Ironically I chose the debut of Celebrity Fit Club 2 to renew my own weight loss journey.

So I'm changing the title of the blog to indicate that I'm in the (Almost) Celebrity Fit Club.

Ok so, the pictures are self evident. I decided to wear a snug fitting T-shirt so the next time I take photos, we'll better see any tiny changes. I couldn't find one of my Cancun T-shirts so I chose Tweety.

The good news - I can see that my body composition has changed. The girth isn't just laying there anymore, it's actually changing and getting some tone and moving upward. So that means the muscle underneath is doing something, and that's good.

The scale was a lot less forgiving.

It was 301 lbs and 3 oz.

Not happy to have broken back over that particular barrier, but it's going to be a non issue as of next week.

It is what it is, but it won't be as of next Saturday.

Here are the measurements:

Bust: 47"
Waist: 42"
Hips: 49"
Middrift: 44"
Girth: 54"
Thigh: 26"

I'm now a size 26, but just barely. Again, I expect that to change within a week.

So.

Today I'm up to like 1300 calories. I'm *aspiring* to 1500 per day, but I'm going to give myself as much as 1700. I'm on my third 24oz bottle of water. Doing the fitday thing, took my vitamins, everything is on schedule.

As for activities I got in 6975 steps in so far. I bought a jumprope a few weeks ago, and so I am going to break that in a little later tonight. Gonna break that 10,000 step thing one way or the other.

And jumping rope kicks your butt. I tried it out last night and I think I made it to like nine.

I can't believe I used to do this as a kid. I remember even doing that Heart Association marathon in the fifth grade.

Ah well. Practice makes perfect right?

First Day - On Course.

Feels good.

Vacation's over...

2005-07-10T02:56:00.000-07:00

I had a lightbulb moment today. I hadn't had one in a while. But it nearly blinded me today.

I was laying in Steven's lap, we were cuddling in front of the TV, and right in my line of vision I saw my wedding photos. I've had some issues with my weight since I saw that photo with Hal. I look at him and think wow, how cute is he? Then look at myself and go blech, yucky, no no no.

Same with the wedding pictures. Steven - how cute is he? Ginger... egads... yucky no no no.

And I know it's just my skewered perception - that I look fine. I just have to accept the way I look. Everyone I love accepts it, but I'm just so sick that I've not only stopped the progress I was making BUT in fact am going backward.

So I was gazing at those photos, where I'm wearing a size 34 wedding dress - tightly - and I suddenly realized if I don't stop living in denial I'm going to be able to wear that dress again.

And I don't want to wear that dress again.

So, the vacation I was taking from the weight loss is over. I need to get back on the wagon.

And, truth be told, I don't feel like doing it.

I know what I need to do and I have zero inclination to do it.

So I laid there wondering how I was going to get back on the horse.

Well the answer is just to do it.

I went looking through all my photos and I realized that I'm still good - not great, but good. I just need to get my act together. Only one person can do it (me) and there's only one way to do it... (just do it).

And the last thing I wanted to do was come here and blog about it because I didn't want it to sound like all the false starts I had before.

But, this is how I kept honest before and this is how I'll be honest again.

Tomorrow - fitday, weigh in, measurements and photos.

I dread it. I honestly do.

But, it's just going to have to be a new starting place.

I've rested long enough.

The next picture I take with Mr. Sparks - or anyone - is going to be a back on track Ginger.

Not a better Ginger, not a more worthwhile Ginger...

But a healthier one.

This isn't about losing weight so I will be accepted. This is about taking care of my body so I can live a long life.

I have too much to do to die in my 40s of a massive heart attack.

Obesity is how I show myself I hate myself.

So... the ultimate testament of love I can give myself is taking care of myself.

No more waiting.

Cross Post from Myspace.

2005-07-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

A serious day calls for a serious post.

As of today my oldest son is 18 years old.

Shocked? I'm not surprised. Most people are. I don't often talk of my firstborn simply because I opted to give him up for adoption at birth.

I was seventeen and stupid and my son's father had long since bailed. According to him, and his mother, he was sterile and couldn't conceive.

All of which I believed until that little white stick turned pink and I was puking my guts up six months in a row.

Plus that tiny little thing of labor and delivery...

Anyway, at the time I knew I wasn't ready to have a kid. I was a high school dropout (another story, another time) who didn't have a job or even know how to drive. So I figured my kid deserved better than growing up with a mom who was still growing up herself - and doing a pretty piss poor job of it too.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I don't regret it, although I have always missed him. Especially when I had other children. Every time they went through a milestone (first words, birthday, walking, first day of school, etc) I always thought of Scott (what I named him, I'm sure they changed it). How was he? Was he happy? What did he look like? Did he hate me and feel abandoned? I was so plagued with the "what ifs", and that's when I finally realized that regret is lethal. You can't change what once was. You just have to deal with it and move forward, hoping that if nothing else you learned what you needed to learn from that mistake.

Now I just wait. I wait to see if he ever wants to look me up, to get to know me. I think about him a lot, but I speak about him far less. Even though it's not really one of those big dark secret things, everyone in my immediate circle knows about him - including my own kids. I wasn't gonna blog about it but I figure what the hell.

I'm not ashamed. It is what it is. I made the best decision I could make for myself and my child at the time - it was a decision based on love. Approval from others is neither required or desired.

And I don't say that to be rude. I'm in the recovery stages of the terminal Disease to Please. Hopefully one day soon I'll be in total remission. Because I've been so worried about what people have thought of me that I've paralyzed myself and it's so futile. You really can't please all the people all the time. All I can aspire to do is please myself, but that's been difficult because I'm my own worst critic most of the time.

Case in point, my new profile pic [of Hal Sparks and me]. I love that photo because I have to smile when I see it - it was one of the happiest days of my life. Right up there with getting married, having kids, and finding sugar free chocolate.

I guarded my digital camera with my life all the way home. Then, when I downloaded it I was completely shocked. I immediately started ripping myself a new one that I just look so fat and yucky. It was my social anxiety in reverse... I had all the same feelings but in retrospect.

I wasn't even going to put it up. I finally did, but I certainly wasn't going to use it as a profile pic.

Finally I just said, to hell with it. I just keep reminding myself that Hal didn't look at me critically, so why should I criticize myself? A total stranger found value in me, but here I was tearing my own self down.

It's stupid.

I've come to realize that self esteem isn't a noun... it's a verb. I'm done hiding under a rock and waiting for someone to give me permission to come out from under it.

I'm out, baby. I'm out.

Tornadoes, Security Breeches & Hal Sparks

2005-07-05T15:58:00.000-07:00

By hook or by crook.

I made this determination a few weeks ago - that I wouldn't let anything stop me from meeting Hal Sparks.

I've let a lot of things hold me back in life doing the things I wanted to do, and I just decided I was tired of living life on the fringes. I wanted to jump in the pool for once.

And as empowering as this may seem, Fate decided to really test my tenacity.

There was the battle over the money for one. It should have come in a month ago, giving me a significant cushion to prepare for a trip. I am the Queen of Planning after all.

May 30th came and went without a check - and I started to really freak out that I couldn't do this thing I've been planning on doing pretty much all year. Pretty soon, NYC was out of the question. It was just too costly for me to go, unless I went by myself. Which was a little too daunting.

Finally I decided to go to San Francisco instead, the price was much more reasonable than NYC. Steven and I could both go to SF for the price it would have taken for me to go by myself to NYC. So Steven arranged time off and we waited on the check to come in.

And waited.

And waited some more.

As time marched on and the prices for SF reached outrageous levels. We called to see where the check was and they told us it would come in at the end of June. This was heartbreaking - I decided that there was no way I could fly out there, even by myself.

But I wanted to. I really, really wanted to.

Steven, bless his heart, was going to take me on a trip anyway - somewhere I wanted to go, to get my mind off things.

Problem was, there was only one place I wanted to go.

And I couldn't go.

IF I flew.

Last week I decided that Steven had four days off in a row and we'd have the money for a trip - instead of driving to Houston, why not just drive to California?

And that's what we did.

You'd think, after all that, Fate would say, "Well Ginger... it appears you really want to do this. I support you in your endeavors."

I know I thought that.

We both were wrong.

As we were heading out of Texas on Friday, there was a storm brewing to the south of Lubbock. It was actually really pretty to watch, and so I thought nothing of it. Timothy says that he thought he saw a tornado, but my son has his teenage drama king moments and I kinda laughed it off.

UNTIL...

I turned my head and saw a tornado forming. I don't know if you're aware but tornadoes form from the ground up, that funnel you see is basically debris swirling upward in the wind vortex. So what I saw was the bottom part of the tornado trying to reach the top part of the tornado.

At one part, it look liked three were trying to form.

It was actually pretty awe inspiring to see it. We were far enough away so we were safe, and we sat there on the side of the road just watching Mother Nature do her thing.

One thing that crossed my mind was if tornadoes form from the ground like that, what if it happened right over someone? This tornado was in the forming stages only, and stayed that way for a long time. How would someone on the ground known that's what it was?

We finally realized that the storm had progressed north enough to be over our heads as well. We looked up and saw a bubbling effect, which my sister said was bad news. We decided it was high time to get back on the road... and quickly.

We finally reach Clovis, New Mexico, which is where we stop for a bite to eat. By the time we exit the restaurant, another storm had begun to move into the area. We see one patch of beautiful thunderheads, that were pink from the setting sun. Then we turned the corner to our car and see nothing but ickiness, grey/brown clouds that hung overhead.

As we get into the car I look up and I realize the clouds above us are rotating. Flashback to my concern about the people on the ground when a tornado forms. All of a sudden it gets really cold and debris begins to kick up on the ground, spinning upward. We haul tail to get out of there, this is bad news.

I get around the restaurant and head back onto the street and the wind starts to blow massive amounts of sand and dirt down the street, reducing my visability to zero. It's marching down the road I'm on in shafts of dense dust, like curtains. My sister suggests we wait it out, but I just wanted to get us the heck outta there, and I did.

Once onto the street I was dodging things like trash can lids, and the wind was so strong it nearly mowed down a biker couple on their Hog next to us. It lifted up our car, scaring everyone who had enough estrogen (and sense) to be scared. Needless to say, I made tracks.

We finally made it through to clear skies, where a beautiful sunset waited. That's when the radio chimed in an alert that a tornado was due east of Clovis.

We were due west.

Those people on the ground?

We were them.

It was scary, but we kinda laughed it off that we had a great story now.

We pulled into Las Vegas early Saturday morning. I had slept probably about four hours at that point. I did most of the driving because I was bound and determined to make this thing happen.

We had a 2:00pm plane out of Vegas to San Francisco. I realized during the week that I couldn't drive all the way to SF but I could stop somewhere closer and fly in, and that's what I did. My sister, God love her, went with me. Not because she's a Hal fan but because she didn't want me to go by myself. Plus she's always wanted to see San Francisco.

So we made it in time to change and freshen up for the flight in. We make it to the airport. We make it through all the usual airport stuff, including a special security screen we were randomly chosen for. I had never been screened before and I joked with the guy that it was a good thing I only had my purse. Up to the gate we go, where we have a couple of drinks, play a couple of slots ("Wheel! of! Fortune!!").

Then we board.

Not so fast, Mrs. Voight.

Turns out the screener forgot to stamp my boarding pass and they couldn't clear me to board the plane. I had to race from the Southwest gates back to the security checkpoint (which, if you're familiar with McCarron, involves a tram). No, they cannot hold the plane... so hurry.

We race back to the security checkpoint where they wanted me to go in behind everyone else to get re-checked. I raise enough ruckus because to my knowledge the next plane to SF is at 6pm, which would make me miss Hal's first show.

I didn't come all this way to miss Hal's first show.

So finally they just stamp it and send us back, but by the time we get there the doors have been closed. No, they can't open them.

So we get bumped to the next flight which, to my relief, was only 45 mins away.

We get to Oakland, we cab to San Franscisco. We make it to the theater where I'm figuring, the only thing that can go wrong at this point is that the show is sold out. Fortunately it wasn't. We buy tickets for both shows. The dude says, "You're just buying them today? Where have you been?" And I say, "Texas." He was surprised I'd come all that way.

Then we go walking through the neighborhood where the theater sits, to sightsee and to grab a bite to eat. I love San Francisco, it's got great personality, and my sister felt it too. By the time 7:15pm rolled around I was starting to get nervous. We headed back to the club. We take our seats about midway back. There's a two drink minimum, and by this time I needed one.

The show started. There were three comedians, and Hal was the last one to perform. I laughed, the other two were pretty funny. But I was wigging out that soon I'd see this guy I started crushing on three years ago thanks to I Love the 80s. At last... it was time.

Hal ran out onto the stage and I grabbed my sister's arm like a squealy schoolgirl. He then proceeded to make me laugh harder than I think I've ever laughed at a comedian, and I enjoy comedians immensely. The show ran long (no complaints here) so there wasn't time for a meet and greet in between.

Fine by me.

I go back out, stand in line, get new seats and enjoy a rerun of the same show.

When it was over, Hal came into the audience to meet with everyone and have pictures taken.

So I get in line...

It's do or die.

And I finally decided I didn't come all that way to be scared.

I stood in line watching him interact with his fans. A more gracious, generous celebrity you'd be hard pressed to find. He looks as though he really enjoys meeting people.

Finally I'm second in line to a group of ladies. They chat and laugh with him, and he talks about a movie that they had all seen, makes a joke that I found funny so I laugh.

Our eyes meet.

My heart stops.

Finally they're gone and I'm up.

I stick out my hand and say, "Hi. I'm Ginger from Myspace." (which is code for, you know.. that weird chick who always loads down your comment page with movie quotes and jokes and weird funny messages."

He enthusiastically responds, "Yeah, hi!"

I told him that I had braved a tornado driving all the way from Texas, he gets this "ohhhh" look on his face, and I tell him I get a hug. So I lean in, we pose for our photo and then break away.

Then, spontaneously, Hal reaches for another hug and tells me to be careful driving home. I burst out how much I love him, like the dork I promised myself I wouldn't be.

Then my sister gets a hug, some more things were said but I couldn't tell you what they were.

Finally I leave, and I ask him if I bug him by sending him those messages. He assures me that I don't. So I promise I'll keep bugging him then. We both laugh.

I walk out of that theater walking on air. It was completely worth EVERYTHING.

Where even non celebrity men treat me as though I have the plague... Hal was warm and receptive and loving.

I can't even tell you what it means to me.

We ended up staying the night in the airport rather than get a room, but other than that the trip back was uneventful. We spent some time in LA with Steven's family, which was very nice. Poor Steven hadn't been to visit his grandma since his grandpa passed away, so it was tough on him.

Speaking of Steven I realized something.

I was just as happy to see him when I stepped off the plane in LA as I was to see Hal in San Francisco. I still get a rush of excitement when I know I'm going to see him.

And I love that is still there in our relationship.

So there you have it- my Holy Grail.

B is definitely for Brave.
B is also for Bold, because I was shaking like a leaf when I reached for Hal's hand, but my sister said I didn't act like a goofball at all.
T is definitely for Tenacious.

The only thing bad, was realizing how fat I still look in the photo with Hal, but I'm just going to have to get over it. If he didn't look at me like there was anything wrong, why do I need to fixate on it? Why ruin such a great memory?

But it does strenghten my resolve that the next time I see him (and there will be a next time) that there will be less of me to hug.

The only thing is my weight is no longer a deterrant to keep me from doing anything anymore.

I have just as much right as anyone to do, see, go, live - being thin is not a qualifyer.

Being me is enough.

And God bless Hal for thinking the same.

S is for Super Model

2005-06-27T21:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry it's been a few days. BUT they've been productive days.

As you know I also have a myspace profile, which is a little more intimidating to me because that's where the pretty people play. It took a long time to muster courage enough to post a photo, and even then I didn't post my photo on my profile until like a month or so ago.

Well, I've been feeling unusually upbeat and confident, so I've been taking more photos, photos that I'm proud to share on myspace. I even added the one above to their Ranking system.

So I figure that this is progress with a capital P. I'm finally getting to the place where I can put my photo up and say hey.. this is me. Like it or not.

And the great thing is I'm meeting a lot of wonderful people just by being myself. You'd think I'd have learned that lesson being here on AOL and all the great people I have met here.

Myspace just struck me as the total high school type experience. Here's me being afraid to be myself because I didn't think the popular people would dig me.

They do.

Because I'm pretty darned dig-able. (new word, pass it around).

And of course I don't mean any of this to sound conceited. This is all new ground - I used to think my photos looked so horrible because I was fat. Now I'm finding things about myself I can honestly think are attractive, without having to lose the weight first.

I'm finding value. And that's big.

Since it's been awhile since I posted, I guess I'll have to do the alphabet Love Thoughts again. Where's my dictionary?

Some are dupes simply because I now own them, I'm not just faking until I feel them.

A. Attractive
B. Brave
C. Confident
D. Determined
E. Effervescent
F. Faithful
G. Good
H. Humorous
I. Intelligent
J. Jovial
K. Kind hearted
L. Lively
M.Mature
N. Nice
O. Optimistic
P. Pleasant
Q. Quixotic
R. Relieved
S. Silly
T. Tender
U. Understanding
W. Warrior-Spirited
X. Xtremely Cute
Y. Young at heart
Z. Zippy

I really gotta bone up my vocabulary....

F is for Forgetful

2005-06-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

My darling hubby reminded me last night that I didn't put the things that I like about myself in my last entry.

My mind evidently was on other things. However it's times like that when I should make a point of doing it, because events of late haven't really been conducive to loving thoughts. And that's the entire point.

I'm not sure how many I'm due, but I'll just do the whole A-Z thing. That should cover it.

A. Attractive
B. Brave
C. Cool
D. Determined
E. Efficient
F. Friendly
G. Generous
H. Hopeful
I. Independent
J. Judicious
K. Kind
L. Loving
M. Mature
N. Nice
O. Optimistic
P. Perservering
Q. Quote-worthy
R. Resplendent
S. Spirited
T. Tenacious
U. Unstoppable
V. Vivacious
W. Wise
X. Xtremely Cute
Y. Youthful
Z. Zealous

(As for therapy, it is on the agenda. I'm not above it, at all. Evidently I have a lot of unraveling to do.

I'll keep you updated.)

I realized something...

2005-06-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Being self aware doesn't make it any easier to lose your everlovin mind.

In fact, it kind of makes you like Elmer Fudd or the Coyote in those old Looney Tunes cartoons, where they walk out onto thin air but are perfectly okay UNTIL they look down. Only when they realize they're not standing on stable ground is when they plunge into a very painful fall.

Knowing that you're going nuts is sort of the same thing.

So what's driving me crazy this week, you may ask.

Well, I realized that I strongly resent my mother.

I'm supposed to be training her on the computer, but it turned out to be an exercise in frustration. Not because she can't do it, but because she can. Only she wants me sitting there right beside her the entire time - and I just can't do that. I have work of my own to do, a script to write, a family ... I just can't babysit her.

And I'm firmly convinced that's what she wants.

Gone is the independent woman from my childhood. In her place is a bitter woman who thinks that no one will be there if not to pity her or take care of her.

And... most unfortunately for her... she didn't raise me to be the nurturing type.

Which is where the resentment comes in.

When I realized that my sense of abandonment was exacerbated by the fact my mother did not nurture me through the mourning process of my dad's death, and that lead me to such self doubt and low self worth, it's hard for me to generate these loving warm fuzzies for her in her time of need.

In fact, it makes me want to avoid being around her at all.

I know it's selfish. I know it sounds bad. But somewhere deep inside of me is that scared little girl who feels alone and lost with no one to pull her back from her own self destruction.

And I just don't know what to do about it.

If my mother were a reasonable person I could probably talk things out with her. But unfortunately for both of us, she has a lot of her own demons to deal with from her own bad childhood. So instead of being reasonable, she's completely over sensitive and paranoid.

For example...

Steven works at a car dealership and is doing really well. He got a demo car on the first of June, a 2005 Ford Escape. The day he got it, we took it over to my sister's to show it off. It was late at the time, and even later by the time we got back home. So I didn't go over to my mom's house - out of consideration that it was far too late.

She gets around on a walker, it's not like she could see the car in the dark - or even ride in it. I figured we'd wait for another time when it was more light.

Well apparently my mother got wind of the fact we showed the car to Michelle and not to her and this is what I get: "So why don't I count enough to see Steven's new car?"

She sat down at her house and pouted for a week rather than just call me up and let me tell her why we didn't take it down there. No, she'd much rather prefer to believe that we just all hate her and don't want anything to do with her.

So yesterday, when I lost my patience finally and told her in blunt terms that she COULD do the computer work if she just wanted to, that she didn't need me coming down there and spending a couple hours every day telling her how to do the same simple procedure over and over, she got all pissy with me and said, "So sorry I bothered you. Goodbye." and hung up on me.

It was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'm sure Michelle and Steven think I've lost my mind that this sent me off so badly, and I have spent the better part of these last couple of days to figure out why I became so hyper sensitive over such a non issue.

Well, it's because it's not a non issue.

This is a recurring theme for my mother.

I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for her feelings. It's not my responsibility how she takes things. She has decided she wants to play the martyr or the victim, and no one aside from maybe God himself, will convince her to feel otherwise.

This once independent woman is now clingy and needy and trying to cash in on old debts that aren't owed to her.

And because she's raised me to be this same self effacing martyr, I worry that feeling this way will inevitably lead to my own hendered old age where no one will want to take care of me.

And I hate it. I hate feeling this miserable for having the gumption to say enough is enough. I'm tired of feeling like I have to sacrifice what I feel or want at the altar of people who do not take my feelings into consideration in the least.

I'm sorting through all these messed up emotions of anger and resentment and quite frankly... it sucks.

So being aware of all this stuff really doesn't seem to help me right now.

I long for the days where I could walk off the cliff and keep going.

I may have been as big as a house, but it didn't hurt as bad.

I don't know what to do.

B is for Brave

2005-06-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

So I was trying to think of some other adjectives I could use to describe what I like about myself, but even with an extensive vocabulary there were some words I didn't feel that applied to me.

I thought, what better way to do this than systematically. I'd go down the alphabet and work through words that way. I got through the As okay but when I got to B I sort of stumbled over words like beautiful and brave.

Attractive didn't bother me, beautiful kind of stuck in my throat.

And brave - well I don't feel brave on most days.

As many of you know I am a Hal Sparks fan. I think he's an extraordinary human being and he's right up there on the list of people I want to meet, along with Steve Perry, Oprah Winfrey, Constantine Maroulis and Bruce Willis. Well, Mr. Sparks is going to be doing stand up in NYC at the end of this month and in San Francisco at the beginning of next month.

My first thought was if I sold my screenplay, then I'd go to NYC to meet him. Then the more excited I got (not just about meeting Hal but going to NYC in general) I decided that I'd find a way to make it there, screenplay or no.

Problem is, it's very expensive to go to NYC. My only option was to go alone, and that intimidated me. Frankly, I was scared silly.

So then I started researching San Francisco and that was a lot more reasonable... three weeks ago. Now it's just as pricey as NYC. Again, my only real option is to go alone.

That got me thinking on how many times I've let fear stop me from doing what I really wanted to do. And I'm sick and tired of living with regret. I'm bitterly regretful that I didn't go to LA in January to see Steve Perry. I know if July 1 passes and I'm no where near San Francisco I'll be sick that once more I let myself down.

So. Finances permitting I'm going to go, even if it's alone. I'm going to earn brave and meet Hal in the process.

Am I scared? Of course. But more than that I'm one of those wonderful D words too.

Determined.

Love thoughts for today:

I love that I am:

1. Amiable
2. Brave
3. Compassionate
4. Devoted
5. Empathetic

A few days late...

2005-06-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.

I actually have been doing pretty well. I've been getting out and doing things - having a car and the freedom to drive has helped my Journey tremendously. I've gone to the park and walked the last four days in a row.

On Saturday while I was working my wrist started to really bother me so I decided to take a break - by leaving the house. I took the kids out to the state park and we went for a hike. It was a lot of fun even though I was really nervous about snakes and what not. But spending time with the kids was way cool. They're really neat people to be around. I'm a lucky woman. For all the times I beat up on myself cuz I think I'm a bad mom, I haven't done too badly.

I haven't gone to the park yet today because there's a pretty big thunderstorm to our north. I can't decide if it's going to clip us or hit us dead on, so I'm sticking around the house for the time being. If nothing else I'll go to the mall after I pick up the kids from summer school.

I've been eating okay. I haven't been counting calories necessarily, but I've been making smarter choices. We had a barbeque the other day and I had a sweet potato rather than a white potato (which, incidentally, is very good on the grill). Instead of red meat I bought some turkey drumsticks - three big ones for about $3. And they were so tasty grilled. Gonna do that again for sure.

The boys and I met up with Steven for lunch yesterday at a place we'd never been before, kind of a barbeque type restaurant. I wanted the fried catfish, I got the hamburger. Mustard, no mayo. I wanted lemonade, I got Diet Dr. Pepper instead. I did eat the fries, but I don't eat fries that often so I gave myself that as a treat.

I can eat normally... if I just eat normally. Instead of pigging out on nothing but bad stuff, I eat normal portions of everything.

I think today I'll do Green Jeans again. I'm hankerin for a salad.

I think I'm finally getting it that what is making me fat isn't necessarily what's going into my mouth, but coming out of my head.

And the trick is to be as active as I can be. I've been trying to go to the park for a set mile every day - but to make sure I go out one more time in the day to do something else, something fun, but get those steps in.

Okay so I owe myself 15 Love Thoughts, since I've missed two days. This oughta be fun...

I love that I am:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Intuitive
4. Positive
5. Warm
6. My own person
7. Cordial
8. Talented
9. Good with animals
10. Tasteful
11. Honest
12. Faithful
13. Tenatious
14. Thoughtful
15. Generous

I started floudering around #7 there. This is really not easy.

But I'll tell you something - it feels good to do it. You get a kind of glow from the inside out, kinda like you're hugging yourself.

Thanks to everyone for all your sweet supportive comments :) Those are the hugs I get from all of you. So big hugs back!! Love ya!

There is no try. There is do and do not.

2005-06-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

And today I did.

I didn't have to jump right on the computer to work like I had been doing all week, so I decided to take Mr. Winston for a walk. It was nice. Gave me lots of time to think.

I read a blog the other day from a normal weight woman who had serious, I mean serious, self esteem issues as she was growing up. She felt so ugly that she wanted to go out in a ski mask. It crippled her whole life. This coming from a woman whose figure (and moxy) I envy - it was eye opening.

She had the same issues I do, without the weight.

So I finally go the hint.

I do not have a weight problem. The problem is not with my weight.

The problem is I don't have any self confidence, I don't like myself very much and I actually punish myself with food.

I know I feel better if I exercise - but I don't go.

I know I feel better if I eat right - but I eat crap, and subsequently feel crappy.

The very last thing I ever wanted to do was creep back up to (or go over) 300lbs... yet here we are.

So I've been doing a lot of self evaluation lately. I think I can narrow the problem to a specific time frame in my life.

As I've said, my dad died when I was 11. I already had a bit of a weight problem at this time due to the sexual assault when I was 4, but it didn't matter because my dad was right there to build me up emotionally. He always made me feel special and loved and I never had to do anything to earn it. He praised me on how smart I was, on how pretty I was, how loved I was - and I bought it all, hook line and sinker.

(Not to suggest he was lying, just saying I never doubted what he told me. Ever.)

The other people in my family, however, were a little less generous with the emotional boosts. My mom was the disciplinarian and more often than not was highly critical. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that Daddy doted on me but made her life hell. She probably felt the need to temper his accolades with doses of "reality".

And my sister hated my guts. Hated. In fact, hated probably isn't a strong enough word. The person she probably hated more was my dad.

So when he died, so did the support. I probably didn't make it any easier but I was 11. I was just a kid. Just a kid who lost her dad and no one seemed to care. Everyone else seemed happy he was gone. But for me, I felt like the only person who ever loved me was gone and that I was alone in the world.

So I started to look outside my family for validation. Only I didn't get it. The positive words had trickled to a stop, while the negative speak rained down like a flood. And it didn't help that we were religious. You want to live your life bound in chains of condemnation and guilt and low self worth, subscribe to organized religion.

So I began to view myself in these terms. Not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not worthy. Of affection. Of love. Of praise. All I wanted was to find someone who could give me that value - and I've never found them.

Because they do not exist.

There is no outside person who can give me value.

I already have it.

I just need to recognize it and claim it - and THAT is the hard part.

Harder than the work I've done to lose the weight.

But if I loved myself, the weight would be a non issue. The weight is an outward manifestation of an inner turmoil.

And focusing on the weight was the single worst thing I could have done. Because I still didn't value myself - I only valued my successes. With every disappointment my confidence was undermined even more. That's why it became a desperate need to see results, and when they weren't coming I was thrown into a complete and utter depression.

So. I am going to try something until I can get to the doctor. I'm going to list five things every day that I like about myself. I've got to turn off this negative chatterbox and fill it with the things my father gave me. I need to love myself unconditionally.

I give that to others. I have no idea why it's so hard to give to myself.

The second part of this was the realization that it's not that other people have problems with my weight, is that I think that they do. I expect everyone else to think of me the way I do - as an utter failure, a lazy slob... a worthless second class citizen.

I hold myself back from facing life because I don't want to be faced with their reaction. But, as this lady's blog stated, they wouldn't care either way. She said she got plastic surgery on two areas she thought were just so unbelievably heinous, and no one even noticed.

Which came as a huge revelation to me. No one cares about how we look as much as we think they do. So why am I hiding myself in my house, avoiding life? If I went out there like I had every right to be there, no one would even blink. But if I go out there expecting everyone to judge me, then I create that reality for myself as well.

The hard part, of course, is rewiring my brain. I've thought this way for so long, it's going to take more than a few affirmations to replace all the negative stuff. I don't even know where to start.

But I will say this. There have been times, even lately, that I go out into the world and even forget how out of place I normally feel. I look people in the eye when I pass them on the street, I even laugh and joke and interact with strangers. So it is possible. It's just a matter of making those times stretch together.

Ok. Ground rules. Since I have this huge problem finding my personal value in what I do, nothing I write can be an accomplishment. Unconditional love means you don't have to earn it, it's just given. To put accomplishments in here means I'm trying to earn my own love. Therefore I refuse to do that. All I'm going to do is focus on who I am, not what I am. I might repeat myself a lot at first, but as time goes on I believe this experiment will shift my focus.

Here we go...

I love that:

1. I'm kind.
2. I'm loving.
3. I believe in the goodness of people.
4. I'm insightful.
5. I'm fair.

That was not easy. I was struggling by #4. I bet you anything if I were to list the things I didn't like about myself I'd be on item twenty by now. A sad statement.

But that's all going to change. Not overnight... but it will change.

Insomnia bites.

2005-06-10T02:55:00.000-07:00

Now I remember why I sleep during the day.

I can't sleep at night.

Sigh.

I'll get it together.

Eventually.

I'm feeling so bloody unmotivated. It's really ridiculous. I know that unless I just get off my arse and do the work, I'm not going to move from this spot. Yet I can't find the oomph to get going. It just feels like everything I want is just completely out of my reach.

Forgive the whiny post but...

I've been telling you how much I wanted to kinda get away since Feb/March. At first we were going to go to either Houston or New Orleans, but that didn't work out. Then my sister and I thought about going to San Antonio for her birthday. That didn't work out. Then we were going to go to Vegas, but the whole Cancun thing came up instead.

Then I was supposed to go to Galveston this weekend for a wedding. THAT didn't pan out.

Then I was asked to go to Dallas.

THAT didn't pan out.

I wanted to go to New York City to see Hal Sparks but that proved too expensive. So then I found a way to go to San Francisco instead.

Guess what happened? Together now...

THAT didn't work out.

I've been expecting to sell this script by summer.

It's summer. And I'm still working through rewrites.

For free.

Considering the lever is stuck in deprivation mode, the last thing I want to do is diet and exercise.

I know it's no answer or excuse and it won't make me feel better - in fact I'll feel worse if I don't impede the backward progress my life has taken in the last six or so months - but I just can't seem to get the motor started.

No one's fault but my own.

I know. I know.

Therapy.

Depression sucks.

Whatta day...

2005-06-07T11:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as planned, was a bust as far as exercise goes. I crashed out around 5pm only to be awakened with some family drama. I slept in this morning till about 10:30, but tomorrow it's back on schedule to get the kids to summer school.

Maybe... barring any unforseen circumstances.

I'm just feeling rotten. I haven't slept much, I have PMS, I'm feeling a bit discouraged and disappointed - worst of all I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.

I got the notes back from the Director Guy yesterday. Apparently another rewrite is afoot. I'm really starting to get very discouraged about the whole thing. I never anticipated that I'd make it to June without selling this thing. And I'm all emotional due to the PMS crap that I don't want to say or do anything for fear of overreacting. I drafted an email, but I haven't yet sent it because I just don't want to burn any bridges.

And typically life really turns around right at the cusp of where it feels like it's a dead end. So I don't really know how to approach it all.

I know, I know. Let go and let God.

I've been flirting with the idea of moving back to Los Angeles. By flirting I mean I'm only half heartedly considering it, mostly out of fear. I think I'm getting ready to take that next step in my career, and according to Urban Legend one needs to be in LA to do it.

Well, one doesn't need to be, but it's more conducive to be. If I got this far with one guy liking my stuff and passing it on, how much better would it be to be in LA and be exposed to more people?

The thought, though, makes me sick to my stomach quite frankly. It was very difficult to make it when I lived there before. There's a certain level of comfort being here where it's familiar. I like the people. I like where I live. I like Steven's job and I think he's really got a chance to shine and go far. I like the schools the kids go to, etc etc etc.

One option is to go out there myself just for a short time to see what I can do - but I really don't want to do that.

I dunno. I guess my age is catching up with me. I'm 35 years old and I feel like I haven't even gotten out of the nest as far as my career is concerned. I work for a living, but there's no future in what I do.

And time is just rushing by at warp speed. I'm terrified that I'm going to wake up in five years, still fat, still broke, still unsold.... basically unrealized as a person.

(I told you. PMS. Emotional.)

It just feels like everyone else is racing past me and I'm lagging behind, drowning in my own mediocrity. I just fear that I'm always going to be less than I desire to be. Less than I deserve to be.

It's like the chasm is so vast and wide that I stand on one side, with my goals and dreams on the other, and I just don't think I can jump far and wide enough to breach the gap.

Guess it's time to make that appointment. Cuz feeling this way sucks.

And it always happens around this time of the month. Always.

Sick of it.

There's gotta be a better way. Losing weight or selling a script isn't going to solve the problem. The problem is standing in the way of losing weight or selling a script.

And it's just no longer acceptible.

One Day at a Time

2005-06-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

It's been a good day so far. I only got about four hours of sleep last night but it was a necessary sacrifice to switch my days over.

I am on my second 24 oz bottle of water and I've been eating small meals (250-300 calories) every three hours. I also managed to take my vitamins today, which I hope will translate into feeling a bit less sluggish.

I'm a little stressed out, to be honest with you. Financially things aren't so great. I was expecting my grant check to come in this week, found out today it's going to be mid to late June. That puts us into a bit of a bind. We'll get through but I'm still wiggin' a bit to get through the next ten days till payday.

The good news is Steven is having a really good month. Every month before had been slow to start, he'd sell his first car of the month a week into it. So far he's sold three and he had to cancel lunch with me because he had a customer. So that means his check should be double what it has been.

We'll be okay ... I'm just feeling the strain.

Time to whip out the phone book and find a doctor for the Zoloft or whatever they want to prescribe. I just can't handle the roller coaster anymore. One week I'm great, next week I'm down. I've been an emotional wreck for several days now. I don't know why things are still bothering me, specifically Dan's death, but it just feels really raw these days. I don't know why. It's been..what? Two and a half years?

We went to see Madagascar the other day. It was much needed considering it was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a really long time. Then I came home and watched Finding Neverland.

I must be psychotic.

They're both good movies but talk about your opposite ends of the spectrum. I was crying at both, but for two different reasons. In Madagascar it was because I was laughing so hard I was crying and in Finding Neverland it was because it was just so darn sad.

Thereal life story was even sadder. Sorry I looked it up, it ruined the movie a bit for me. All I can say is that the film is *based* on a real life story and not the real life story itself.

I like the fairy tale much better.

I could go into this long list of things I want to do today or tomorrow, but truth is I'm tired. If I make it to the mall for a walk I'm lucky. Tomorrow I want to weigh in.... I'm not optimistic. But... gotta face the music.

The problem has only gotten worse the less attention I've paid to it.

But I'm not going to beat myself up for what happened yesterday and I'm not going to overschedule my life for what happens tomorrow.

I'm just going to handle today.

And today, I'm in control.

Judith Light

2005-06-04T02:29:00.000-07:00

Anyone who remembers Judith Light from her Who's the Boss days will remember a woman as thin as a rail. I just learned, having watched Intimate Portrait, that this wasn't always the case for her.

She reached her highest weight at 175 and finally decided to go to a psychiatrist for help. He told her that she'd never learned how to eat... and that she should go eat.

She says she got mad; how could he tell someone who is overweight that they needed to eat?

But, she says, what happened was she now had the permission to eat - something she'd never had before. For a while she did eat whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, but she finally decided, well... since I can have ANYTHING I want... what do I really want?

I dunno why but a bell just went off in my head. I think this is the cue to my deprivation issues. I've been meaning to hit 1200-1500 calories, but I've been coming in at maybe 1800 instead. Why? Because I don't like being deprived those extra calories. The deprivation is hitting me a lot harder in the last few months than it ever has the entire journey until then.

Again it comes down to perception. Instead of looking at it that I can eat anything I want, the choices are all in my hands, I've been looking at it from the standpoint that I CAN'T have what I want, that the choices are out of my hands.

Wow. Epiphany.

Although I did have that kind of moment when I went shopping. I walked through the bakery with no inclination whatsoever to buy anything bad. I didn't want it.

It was my choice.

So I think I'm going to give myself the permission to eat... the permission to choose.

I choose health.

Well I thought I was on program

2005-06-02T01:03:00.000-07:00

But I actually saw those five inches I lost creep back on board.

Damn stow-aways.

I really got bummed out. I think I'm fighting depression yet again, considering my sleeping schedule. I hate sleeping so late, I never feel like I get anything done.

The kids both have summer school so here I go again, flipping back on a day schedule.

I've also been debating on how to include more activity. Truth is, the thought of going to the gym and riding the bike doesn't exactly trip my trigger. I figure I can find something that I can do that's fun instead, so I don't dread it and inevitably avoid it.

I'll figure it out. I'm also going to go to a doctor as soon as we get the cards so I can deal with this depression/social anxiety stuff.

Got too much to do to hide in a corner and lick my wounds.

I've come too far to turn back now.

Still on program

2005-05-28T02:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not blogging more faithfully. I know that was indicative of my going off wagon in the past but I'm still on program. I have been watching my calories even though I'm not doing the fitday thing right now. I wore my pedometer today and managed to log in 4000 steps. It's a good starting place.

I'm still feeling good. I'm eating only when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm satisfied. Just doing that alone has reigned in my overeating. I've also been getting in my water requirement. I haven't measured or weighed yet, I finally found my tape measure yesterday.

Memorial Day is coming. Holidays = food generally. I want to cookout because that's the thing to do, and my sister and I found a pretty legal way to have hot dogs (thank you Hebrew International). Their 97% fat free franks are about 50 calories per link with only 1.5 grams of fat per.

I love finding legal ways to enjoy "normal" food.

I'm also toying with the idea to make the Memorial Day cake - it's pound cake topped with blueberries, strawberries and whip cream. I can make that pretty legal too, and it's a refreshing, light dessert perfect for a near summer day.

So my GPA is now 3.25, with 2 A-, one B and one B-. Hopefully these new courses will take it up closer to 3.50. They're more challenging so far, and this is just week one. I have to make a Powerpoint presentation of my final essay for my Ethics class.

Sounds intimidating, but Jeff assures me that it's pretty easy to grasp.

The kids are out of school.

Help me Lord.

Time to enlist their help at the gym so we can all get off our butts and away from the boob tube.

I still have that membership to the zoo. That's one way to jump up my steps.

Anyhoo... I'm going to end this chill day with reading in a nice relaxing bubble bath.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend so far.

Be safe!

Weight Loss Oddity - The Scale

2005-05-25T02:16:00.000-07:00

It's really really strange. I mean it. It's completely weird.

My weight has risen, but I'm still basically the same size as I was when I weighed in at 278.

It's bizarre.

Oprah was saying on her show that she doesn't even weigh herself anymore - that it's counter-productive. She said that if she gets on and it shows a loss, it gives her permission to eat. If she gets on and it reads a gain, then she beats herself up. Instead she measures her success by dress size only.

I bring it up because I have concentrated my efforts back to the weight loss efforts. Over the past few weeks my pudge hasn't budged, but inches are steadily creeping back down.

My sister bought me a couple of shirts at Target the other day. I had already purchased a shirt there a month or so ago that was a 2X. I really liked the shirt and they didn't have it any bigger, I tried it on and it was snug but it fit. It wasn't tight.

So I knew getting a 3X in these shirts yesterday would fit fine.

I'm wearing clothes bought off the rack - my measurements are definitely a size 24. Yet the scale says I'm approaching 300lbs again (what I weighed at size 28).

It's weird.

I'm still kind of rewiring my brain to say it's okay to see the gain because the REAL results are what I feel when I pull on those size 24 clothes. When I can purchase a shirt from Target and wear it right away. When I can sit here in my ultra cute jammies from Target and it fit great.

When I can hang out by the ocean in my size 24 bathing suit from Ross...

When I can sit on a plane and actually fit into one seat and buckle the seat belt and it not be cutting off the circulation to the lower part of my body.

These are the successes.

The pounds will just have to catch up in their own time.

As for me, I'll keep on keepin on.

Time to bust out the pedometer and get my 10,000 steps in per day. I'll start small, of course. I'll wear it a week and just see how many steps I've been getting in with my Shopping Workout.

(It's really fun, you should try it! It may be hot outside but it's air conditioned in the mall :) )

And often time I don't buy hardly anything at all, the idea is to get off my tush and on my feet - to move.

Another note of progress - I've dropped the chili from my lunch routine at Green Jeans. Mostly because I don't like the way I feel if I eat too heavy. The salad is enough, I don't need the chili weighing me down.

These are the changes that matter. Not whether or not I do this diet or that, this boot camp or that. The changes that matter are respecting my body to treat it right.

And it likes to move. It likes to eat better.

And you know what? That's just fine.

The idea isn't to lose weight, it's to live a longer, healthier life. Weight loss is the happy byproduct.

And now that it's an understood method of living rather than an obsession, I think I'll get that by-product a lot quicker.

How much I weigh is secondary to how I feel and how healthy my body is.

No numbers define those things.

Time to stop living and dying by the scale.

Call off the dogs, I'm here

2005-05-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

I've been on program, I just haven't been writing. I was finishing up my second round of classes through my online college course. I wrote a 2500 word essay on weight loss and the media called "Big Fat Lies". That was my blog LOL

I also finished up the script and it's off to the producers. The director sent me a one-sheet (or poster) for the movie, which I took as a very good sign. So I had to bust my tail and get it ready.

I think it's a pretty good script. Hopefully they'll think it's worth buying.

I didn't really go anywhere to exercise all week but I seem to have lost 3.5 of the water/weight gain I added in Cancun. I don't believe it was weight weight simply because I just didn't eat all that badly. Plus I was doing a lot of walking/activity. The only thing I did in excess: I drank. I inflated like a balloon, but it wasn't honest to goodness fat I put on. To prove it, the home scale went up 6 pounds in the four days I was gone.

You can't gain 6lbs in a week and you can't lose 6lbs in a week unless it's water weight.

So I'm shedding the excess water by drinking lots and lots of water. My calories are under control but it's been so blessed hot I haven't been motivated to exercise AT all. I went out once but I was still dragging after my trip that the heat did me in. Time to make the mall my best friend.

There's really no excuse not to get the walk in.

I just have to manage my time better. That's all.

Things should be evening out here pretty soon. I started my next two classes. They look a bit more demanding but I have to make it a priority. I would have made an A in my last COM class if I just had better time management skills. I missed a 100 point assignment and finished with a B-. So I really have to kick some butt on these new classes to raise my GPA.

Hopefully the script is good enough I won't be put back through the wringer with another rewrite. I figured out I had been writing one a month since March. Actually in March I wrote two. But every month after that, I've produced a draft.

I'm a mean, green, writing machine.

Oh, and there's been an update on the car situation with Steven's former "friend". Steven called him up over the weekend and the dude had the audacity to be indignant, saying that our going over to the house to get the car "scared" his wife. Said he doesn't even have the car anymore because he sold it (explain that one to me - how he can sell a car without a title). He's getting $100 a week supposedly but he's only going to pay us $100 a month because "that was our agreement". An agreement, btw, that he's currently in default of. He "claims" he's going to bring over $100 today but let's just say I'm not holding my breath.

I don't know what to do. The police say it's a civil matter; to take him to court. We aren't going to see a dime either way. So I could just let it go, the dude not only gets a free car BUT he gets the $1500 he's going to get from this other dude who bought it. And this dude knew it too. I get the feeling he knows a lot of little ways to skirt the law and get away with murder.

Sad. It's really sad.

I just feel so badly for Steven because he didn't deserve this. He was a good friend to this guy, there for him when his own wife up and left and stole his kids. He helped him out even with the car, letting him have it on payments. Only to get screwed severely.

I don't get people.

I really, really don't.

I was so angry I almost went to his place of business and confronted him. The only reason I didn't is I knew it would upset Steven. I just want to know how this guy sleeps at night.

How does anyone this despicable live with themselves?

You just don't do this kind of stuff to people.

You just don't.

It's not right.

But as the old saying goes, living well is the best revenge. If this car is the best he can do, then more power to him. Steven has a better job, a better wife if I do say so myself, and a more promising future.

So screw em.

Tired

2005-05-19T16:38:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm still recovering from my vacation. From the sun exposure to all the activity, I'm wore out. The idea is to eat better until I can get my stuff together to exercise.

With 90 degree heat here I'm not real motivated.

Time to start the vitamins again.

Some good news. The Director Guy sent me a one-sheet (or poster) for the movie.

I'll take that as a good sign.

Now to finish that and get at least one thing behind me.

I also get to finish my classes this week. There are new classes Monday.

Back to the grind. :)

I'm back... with PICTURES

2005-05-17T09:58:00.000-07:00

I never realized how much I needed to stop and do nothing until I actually stopped and did nothing.

I was sitting there on the lounge chair soaking up the sun and just felt revitalized.

This was, however, not just a vacation where I did nothing. In fact, I stepped outside my box many, many times.

As I said I was really stressed out about being around other people. That didn't change much, even though some folks were very nice. Most folks still kind of kept their distance and I'm not sure if that was so much them or me. Maybe I put off that kind of keep away vibe, I'm not sure. Steven and I kept to ourselves most of the time.

We went to Wet & Wild to have our dolphin interactive experience. I wasn't as far advanced in the water as I thought - you put me waist deep in the ocean and I was flipping out. I did it, but not everything. They have a "photo" session where you get to get kissed by the dolphin and shake hands with the dolphin. I couldn't kiss the dolphin because it required that I walk to the edge of this platform we stood on, lean over the drop off with my hands behind my back. I couldn't do this yet - not with the waves and what not. Too scary.

I did get the handshake (or flippershake, in this case), barely... but I did.

Aside from going onto the beach with hundreds of beautiful women with perfect bodies, that was the hardest thing I had to do once we got to Cancun.

It took a lot of guts to go out onto the beach but I was glad I did. In front of me was this beautiful girl who had THE perfect body and I felt so damn intimidated. I seriously had to talk myself down and say why am I valuing her over myself just because she looks good in a bathing suit? That's exactly what I bitch and complain about society doing, and here I am perpetuating the myth.

I didn't eat as much as I thought I would. My problem - the drinking. I realized before I left that I drink in social situations because it helps me feel better aboutbeing around people I don't know. It lowers those inhibitions. And I don't mean I get sloppy drunk, I just have a few drinks to take the edge off.

I came to the realization that without thinking about it, I've been self medicating for that social anxiety thing. Maurice Benard who plays Sonny on General Hospital said that he used to drink a lot more before he was put on medication for his manic depression, and that he did it to self medicate.

So even though I didn't get drunk once on this trip, I did drink a lot more than I usually do. And they were the high calorie mixed drinks too, so even though I didn't overeat, I probably went over my calorie count in a big way.

I didn't get to the gym but I walked A LOT. I've got the blisters on my feet to prove it.

I'm sure that I gained a few pounds, but I'm also sure it's mostly water retention and I'll lose them as quickly. Tomorrow will tell the tale - that's when I have to weigh in after a full night's sleep. Not looking forward to it but, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

The proof that I didn't do too badly - the plane's seat belt fit both ways. Not only that but I actually didn't crowd the person next to me. I had to face sitting next to strangers instead of Steven, we ended up in aisle seats both ways. But that turned out okay, I had nice people to talk to who didn't seem put off in the least having to sit next to me. Always a concern.

Anyway - so that was the big stuff weight loss journey wise.

We stayed at the Riu Caribe, it's a five star all inclusive hotel there in Cancun - a city I've decided is Vegas if you trade the casinos for the beach. It's mostly one big strip and a section of downtown, and on the strip the resort hotels are dominant. The weather was beautiful except for one patch of rain on Saturday, but even that was okay.

We got in Friday night about 8pm or so. We were whisked away to a chartered bus where they get the party started with a Corona. We then drive a really long ways to the hotel, in the meantime our Funjet travel coordinator is giving us the rundown on stuff we can do, things we can see, and of course giving us our room keys, and all hotel policies and perks.

By the time we get to the hotel we go up to our room to drop off our things, then we went down to the buffet. After we got a bite to eat, it's out to the beach we go. The sand there is white and so fine it feels like silk between your toes. Walking on that beach alone was a workout. It felt so nice just to sit there on the beach, feeling the sea breeze and just chill listening to the waves crash onto the shore. We saw this boat that was all lit up and decided we wanted to find out what that was so we could do it.

It was the Captain Hook party boat, where you get a buffet dinner with either steak or lobster, and a show/party that last for three hours where you interact with pirates. There are two boats, and toward the end of the cruise you end up getting boarded by the other pirate ship for an exciting sword fight. We won, which lead to a congratulatory conga in which yours truly danced the night away. This is huge, I normally don't dance at all. My friend Jeff will be floored to hear this.

It was so much fun, I have to say. I almost wanted to go to Senor Frogs, a club down there, afterwards just to keep dancing.

And no, I wasn't drunk. In fact, for what I was drinking I never even really felt buzzed at all. All I did feel was the incredible compulsion to do things I never have done before - like get a tattoo. Or get my hair done in those Bo Derek braids. Or parasail.

I didn't do any of those things but I wanted to. Tattoo=too painful. Braids=not a good idea for any white woman who isn't Bo Derek. Parasail=too expensive. That Captain Hook was $65 per person for three hours worth of fun. Parasailing was $50 per person for a ten minute ride. So we decided against it.

Next time, however, I will do the braids (simply because my hair frizzed like crazy in the humidity) and I will parasail.

And yes, there will be a next time.

Because it was a lot of fun. A lot. I had a great time, I feel so energized and I'm ready to get back to business - including the weight loss. A getaway was just what I needed.

Enjoy the photos, I took a bunch!

Adios Amigos!

2005-05-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

Well here it is, 4:28am and I am almost completely ready to go.

My name is Ginger, and I'm the Queen of Procrastination.

Anyway just a note to tell you all I'm off and I love you guys so much.

Thanks for hanging in there with me.

We'll get there.

One day at a time.

I just realized...

2005-05-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm the Zoloft Bubble.

You know the commercial - where the little bubble/bean shrinks away from contact with other bubble/beans?

That's me.

My hands are sweating right now, thinking about going into the social situation on Friday of being around 48 people I don't know. It literally strikes fear in my heart.

What I was looking at as weakness or cowardice may actually be a medical issue, fixable by medication.

It's worth looking into. I may not be able to do it in time for this trip, but there will definitely be social situations in my future. It'd be nice to face things like a trip to Cancun with excitement, rather than worry about what a bunch of strangers think of me - afraid I'm going to make a fool out of myself... make mistakes... be imperfect.

I got these great slides the other day, they have a three inch wedge heel and they're comfortable for the most part. I have this cool outfit I can wear with these shoes, that is stylish and looks nice. Steven loved it. But I'm thinking I shouldn't wear this outfit on Friday because if I have to rush at an airport I don't want to fall on my face wearing three inch heeled shoes.

It's that insidious.

On the Zoloft site I saw a section for PMDD, which stands for Premenstral Dysphoric Disorder - a sort of turbo charged PMS. I know I have PMS. I recognized it many years ago when I finally decided, hey, I'm not nuts. These feelings of being out of control with rage or sadness happen right around the time of my period. My temper is much shorter than normal, I'm a yelling, screaming, door slamming mess. Inside I feel it - like I'm losing my grip on controlling my behavior. And around about 1994, I realized that went hand in hand with my period.

Lately, it's been worse. Well, I say lately - it's been about the last few years. I'm sure even y'all see it, those who read my journal on a regular basis. The mood spikes are evident.

Apparently Zoloft is used in conjunction with this type of disorder. If I could get that under control, the men in my life would be eternally grateful. They bear the brunt of my PMS.

I mean, it's not totally unprovoked - it's just the things I normally let slide really bother me to the point of getting enraged. It's got to be confusing for them.

And I don't want them to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. I've done that before, it's not fun.

So I guess the time has come to admit that I need help.

They say the first step is admitting it.

What they didn't say, is admitting is also the scariest step.

Especially when you do it on a huge scale like a blog on the World Wide Web.

But do you know it's easier for me to come here and write out how I feel, no matter what it is, than to meet someone face to face. When someone comes to the house, my first impulse is to run to the bedroom and hide. Seriously.

And I always beat myself up for being weak or afraid - which doesn't help, btw. To think it might actually be something that isn't a choice of behavior but a response to something medically wrong actually comforts me.

I remember when we recognized Dan's problems were chemical and not habitual, how much relief we felt.

I feel that relief now.

This is definitely something I will pursue.

And who knows? It might just help the weight loss thing too.

The way I see it, it is going to help everything. Like tossing a stone in a river, the ripples will reach far and wide.

Weigh In

2005-05-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

295lbs and 9oz. That's a pound weight loss for the week. I'm pleased. Add that to the 2 inches I lost this week and I feel very much in control of this whole weight loss thing again.

And I'm not valuing myself only because of the weight loss; that's where I got into trouble before.

I'm just really pleased to feel like I'm reversing the trend, even with a bad weekend.

Good days outnumber the bad = good results.

The one thing that sprung to mind when I saw it was just a pound was that I haven't been drinking enough water - we're talking not even a glass a day barely. I've discovered Diet Dr. Pepper, and have been working on a caffeine high for the last few weeks. With all I had to do, I needed something with more "kick". Problem is, not having enough water leads to all the things that caffeine is supposed to cure (lethargy for example), and caffeine dehydrates you.

With the temp in the 90s today, it's time ditch the sodas and reach instead for the water.

Not only is it hot but it's muggy. Blech. I wish it would rain. Let it rain now before I fly on Friday.

Speaking of flying I have to tell you I'm starting to grow very anxious about it. I am not the best flyer in the world. And my younger son tells me yesterday it should be a straight shot down to Cancun over the Gulf of Mexico.

I reached for a paper bag to breathe into. Flying is bad enough. Flying over water scares the bejeebers out of me. I know this because I flew back from San Francisco to Los Angeles and I got to be ocean-side.

One of the other things that inspires a bit of flyers anxiety - the seat belts. Last time I flew was in August when Steven and I took an anniversity jaunt to Vegas. I was so pleased to find that the seat belt fit - barely but it fit. Since I've taken a bit of a backward step these last many months, I was worried that the seatbelt might not fit on this new flight. I was 278 back in August... I'm 295 now.

So I went back to my measurement records from August and put it side by side with my measurements I took today. Believe it or not, I've lost 6 inches since then. I've gained nearly 20lbs but lost 6 inches.

Weight loss is a kooky, kooky ride sometimes.

Either way, that helped assuage my concerns.

I also found something I can do in Cancun that doesn't put the pressure on me to learn how to swim fast. It's the Xcaret Sea Trek Tour. You don a helmet and go underwater to walk along the sea floor. No special suits I'd worry about fitting into - and it's tailor made for those of us who haven't yet mastered the swimming thing. I told Steven that it looks like something I'd like to try to do. He reminded me that I was claustrophobic. I told him I had thought about that, but to be honest with all of you, I'm really tired of being held back by irrational fear.

I was looking through the Xcaret site yesterday, its an Eco Park in Mexico, and I - for the first time ever - regretted not learning how to swim. The snorkling looks like a lot of fun. I mean a lot of fun. And I'm going to miss out because I dropped the whole swimming thing. I know I got sick and all, but I've been well long enough that I could have gone back and finished my training. I just didn't add that to my long list of obligations.

I want to finish learning how to swim while we're in Cancun, but I'm not even going to put that pressure on myself. This trip is about having fun. It's about going someplace I've never gone, exploring a country and a culture different from my own, doing things I've never done and enjoying myself. To have the experiences. To live life. If that includes learning how to swim, then it includes learning how to swim.

But I'm not going to make myself uncomfortable in order to meet goals while I'm there.

I deserve to have a good time. I deserve to have fun. I deserve to relax. Anything that doesn't fit that criteria will be scrapped. The only thing I'm going to expect out of myself is to weigh myself in on the first day of the vacation and the last day - there's a scale at the fitness center. And I'm going to use that fitness center as well.

That, coupled with the physical activity I expect to enjoy (my first impulse was to write endure), I expect to do pretty well despite the readiness of food and alcohol. I just have to remember... drink lots of water.

Bottled, of course.

So far the only thing we've purchased is a dolphin interactive experience. I'm really looking forward to that. The other thing I want to do is the dinner cruise on Isla Mujeres. It's a ride on a catamaran over to an island off the coast where there is a calypso cookout, dinner buffet and several types of shows. Sounds like a lot of fun.

The Xcaret is the other thing I'd like to do. It has an interactive aquarium, boat rides, the Sea Trek, a dinner show, several exhibits with wild life and the Mayian history.

Hopefully I'll have enough $$ to cover it all. It sounds like such a great time. I love to explore new things - there is no lounging on the beach for this girl. If I'm going to be in Mexico, I want to explore Mexico. I was worried that there wouldn't be anything to keep my interest - now I'm worried I won't have the time to do it all.

Life is funny.

Anyway, time to go out and get some walking in. At the mall... no park. My whole motto is "excercise should be fun"... and it's not fun to trudge along in extreme heat and humidity just to get a walk in. Not when there's an air conditioned mall.

And you know what? Since I adopted this mindset, it hasn't been hard to get me out in the world and being active.

Perception is everything.

Update Post-Nap

2005-05-09T14:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who posted comments. I probably shouldn't have posted in the mood I was in, but I figure this journal cannot be censored to write "just when I feel like it". I'm doing this without a filter. It's the only way I can face myself honestly.

And I do face myself honestly.

I prefaced my whole rant about what happened with Steven's "friend" that I have no boundaries. This is true. Which is why I hermitize myself so badly. It's why I have a hard time getting close to people or trusting people. I realize that I have a hard time saying no to people or compromising how I feel just so people will like me. I'm a confirmed people pleaser - it's probably one of my biggest hurdles to overcome.

However.

Having said that, I just want to reiterate that no matter what my actions/problems/issues were, that did not give these people the right to take advantage of us. That does not excuse their using friendship basically to rip us off without consequences.

If I'm going to develop these boundaries, I have to have the room to be mad at people and just plain say enough is enough. Which is where I am at. I'm not that holy that I can just keep turning the other cheek. I have to say that I'm a good person who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, and those who do not do not deserve my generosity.

These people have seen the limit of my generosity driving around in a car they did not pay for. So I do not apologize in calling things the way I see them. And I don't have much use for people of this low moral fiber. Just be glad you didn't read my writing blog, which does not have a language censor like AOL. I wrote that when I was still steaming, cursing mad. I had calmed down somewhat by morning.

Now, as for the puppy. We did find a place that will train him.

The kids were going to stay with family over the weekend, so the house was going to be empty. The "friend" doesn't have a key, but I'm not all that convinced that something like that would stop them. I'm beginning to think he trashed the cars for the insurance money. I'm done giving them the benefit of the doubt. I was right to ask Steven if he would pay it off or if he'd take it and run, so we're going with my gut from now on.

The problem is me trusting my gut. I am the exact opposite of Steven in that I'm extremely introverted and he's extremely extroverted. I suffer a lot of guilt because of this - like I'm holding him back from doing the things he wants to do. I just freak out meeting new people. I think that may be why this trip is so scary to me, because we're going with nineteen other couples, including the big bosses. We'll head out from here to Dallas in a chartered van, so here's me, Miss Anti-Social being thrust right into a social situation.

Fun, fun.

BUT.

Life is to be experienced, and this is all part of the experience, right?

I just have to remember - boundaries. It's entirely true that we teach people how to treat us. So any new people signing on will know that I definitely have boundaries.

Respect or bust.

Steven called and found out we can insure our house up to $50,000 for like $20 a month - so it's a good thing to have even if I'm being overly paranoid about this other couple.

Anyway, going out for a salad with my sister. I'll throw a John Denver CD in the player.

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy.

Deep breath in...mmmmmmmmm.

Deep breath out....ahhhhhhhhhh.

Life goes on.

Crappy mood

2005-05-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

I didn't write anything this weekend basically because I was spent. I wrote 57 pages on the script in two days, and I just needed to get out of the house. This is a good thing. That I want to join the ranks of the living is good.

What was bad was how badly it backed me up on what I needed to get done yesterday. I spent mother's day working. And it's not as though I'm complaining. I completed my rough draft of my college paper and I feel really productive as far as the school goes. I'm caught up, and my instructors have been very understanding. When I told them I got so far behind because of how sick I got, then just have been struggling since then to catch up, they were sympathetic and helpful. I may not get an A out of my COM course, but I just may pull one out of my Critical Thinking one.

Fingers crossed anyway.

I'm still in there fighting the good fight - which is more than I thought I would be.

I wanted to get back to the script yesterday but it wasn't happening. Not with everything else I had to do. I have some ideas on how to beef it up, improve it. On Saturday I sent Gino the first act, then the whole 55 pages I had by Friday night. This always makes me a little apprehentious. Despite it all I wonder if one of these days they'll find me out that I have no talent. But that's just that negative speak again. I just have to slap it around a bit and move on with life.

The diet, pffftt. Haven't done much of anything related to the journey. Yesterday was a bust. I guess, like life, these things have their ups and downs. The idea is to outnumber the downs by the ups. And I've done that lately. So I'm not going to be overly critical.

Today starts the process all over again. I'm in a sour mood, not because of that, but because of life beating the snot out of me. This one is going to be long, so bear with me.

Steven has a "friend" that has basically screwed us out of a car. We tried to sell him ours, he promised he'd pay and now we can't get ahold of him, his wife is a total skank who ticks me off so much I turn into a living breathing Yosemete Sam cartoon, where red seeps up from my feet up until steam comes out of my ears. I haven't had use for the woman since she used her kids to hurt this guy several months back. When he went to work, she cleaned him out and took his kids, going somewhere he couldn't find her.

I just don't understand how someone can do that. These babies are small, like 6 mos and 2 years - and she basically uses them as leverage. When he took her back I lost all respect for him and just decided he LIKED having her screw him over. It was a great way for him to get a get out of jail free card with his family and friends.

Problem is, I burned that card in my mind. I don't like over domineering men but I have zero respect for men who let women screw them over. And I decided that he needed her as an excuse, not a partner. It's just dysfunctional with a capital D.

Anyway we try to go get the car last night but he has it blocked in with his other car. They won't answer the door even when we can see their 2 year old wandering around through their craphole house. We call the cops and they're like, well since you had an agreement we can't do anything. Take em to court.

Knowing these people they'll take the car and hide it somewhere else now. Since we can't report it stolen (which it is), there's little recourse.

But it was not a fun way to cap my mother's day. I was on their porch banging down their door ready to rip someone's head off. It's probably good for everyone that they didn't have the cajones to face me. I'm sure the cops wouldn't have any trouble at all intervening if *I* were the one screwing up.

And since these people have such a history I told Steven that we couldn't go to Cancun. This idiot knows we'll be out of town, we'll come back from Mexico tanned and relaxed to find our house completely cleaned out. We're going to try to go anyway, just take out renter's insurance before we go. I doubt sincerely that's going to help us because people like these tend to be able to walk through life doing bad things without any recourse whatsoever.

It just brought up a bunch of stuff that didn't need to be brought up. All the reasons why I hermit-ize myself are glaringly obvious. Since I apparently have no boundaries I attract people like this, this isn't the first time I've been railroaded by just bad people.

And what gets to me, and I know this sounds whiny and bitchy and all, but what gets to me is I've always been raised with this fear of being a bad person. I was browbeat from infancy that what goes around comes around. Do you know my mother even stuck it in my craw that if I were to laugh at a handicapped person I myself would be struck down with the affliction as punishment?

And as some sort of self fullfilling prophesy anytime I even THINK about doing something bad, karma comes to kick me right in the butt. Hell, I get karma for things I haven't done yet.

Before anyone thinks I'm using karma as an eastern philosophy let me assure you I'm not. We live in a reciprocal universe. What we dish out is what we get back, no matter what it is. Some people call it karma, some people call it reaping what you sow, but it is a standard universal law no matter what religion you practice.

So it just really ticks me off something royal that people like this get to go through life hurting everyone else and never paying the price. Which reminds me of my old boss, and as much as I try to convince myself I'm so over it, I guess I'm not. That's a wound that lingers.

I just don't get how people can be so nasty.

I was looking forward to this trip to Cancun finally. Getting excited about it. I had even made reservations to go to a dolphin interactive exhibit, which for an animal lover like me is a really big deal.

But after this morning, I may not even be an animal lover anymore.

Our newest puppy is driving me insane.

I didn't get to bed until after 3am, and he's yelping at the top of his voice the minute he hears Steven get out of bed. So now I'm in a sour mood with no sleep.

I told Steven that I just can't handle the dog... either train him or find him a new home. No one bothers to take him outside, that falls to me. People walk around his accidents, unless I tell them to pick it up or pick it up myself. He chews on everything, pees on everything (and there's only one person on their hands and knees scrubbing it out - take a wild guess who that might be) and I'm supposed to be a dog trainer on top of everything else? Just because I'm home 24 hours a day doesn't mean I'm free 24 hours a day. I'm maxing out on 28 hour days these days. And with summer fast approaching I'm going to deal with my two legged critters for those 28 hours a day on top of trying to get everything else done.

Ugh. Too much.

Told you. Crappy mood.

Then I find out my sister is moving to Dallas in July. I thought for sure she'd change her mind but she's determined to go. So I'm a little depressed about that.

And Steven is understandably upset because someone he thought was a friend just screwed him over royally. He feels like an idiot and that's totally wrong. It is not wrong of us to trust... it's wrong of them to betray us.

To take that responsibility on isn't fair to either of us.

We did the right thing; we tried to help out a friend. That they turned on us like the two faced pieces of you know what they are is THEIR ****-up, not ours.

It's just us having to pay for it.

As usual.

The ability to amaze oneself

2005-05-06T09:23:00.000-07:00

It really is amazing what you can get done when you have to.

Yesterday I faced the day like Mount Everest.

Today I look down from the summit.

The good news...

I did get both my assignments done for school.
I did get the work done I was supposed to.
I got 25 pages written out.

The better news:

I did get a walk in.
I did watch that video like I wanted to.
I even managed to make dinner rather than order out. <-- HUGE

The only thing I blew yesterday - the calories. And the only reason I blew it is I bought the wrong kind of tortillas. I ate assuming one thing, and getting another.

It happens. I'm not beating myself up.

Not when I did manage to have a successful day.

I believe the trick is just giving myself a few set goals rather than stress out over everything. Even Steven said he could tell my mood was good on the phone yesterday when he called me.

I felt in control. For a self affirmed Control Freak, that's a big deal.

My biggest challenge right now is that I'm mired right now in the script. It's all I think about or want to do. I still have a 2500 word essay done by Sunday for school, and about 8-12 more hours for work due by Sunday night at 10:00pm. I don't want to wait till the last minute for either one. I don't like stressing out over deadlines.

So. It's all about priorities. I may not can do everything, but I can do some. I'll go with my heart today and let the writing lead me.

Today's goals:

Write first draft of college essay
Write another 25 pages in the script

Sounds like a lot, doesn't it? It isn't once I get immersed in the writing, especially the script. In fact, if I stop at 25 I'll be surprised.

I'm going to go easy on myself today. If I get a walk in or not, I'm not going to demand it of myself. I will probably meet my calories no problems (must.read.labels.first), and who knows? I may even get some "real work" done. But if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Over Achiever Blues

2005-05-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

When laying in bed, just rousing from sleep, and trying to schedule my day in my head I realized something.

I might not be able to do everything.

So I have a choice. I can either lie to myself then beat myself up later for not meeting my goals OR I can realistically say I can't do it all and learn to be okay with that.

It's better to do a couple of things well than a half a dozen things half a$$ed.

Here's my dilemma.

You all know I'm taking correspondence classes. Well these last couple of weeks I've been so blowing it, not turning in assignments or being very very late. What should be easy has become very very difficult. And like a snowball it just gets worse the longer I wait to deal with it.

Today I have two assignments due. My goal is to get those done so they won't be late. I could have a perfect grade, or one with points deducted for every day I put it off. Those are my choices. I've had a couple of big assignments get zeroes for procrastination. I don't want any more. I'm an A student... I don't need to settle for a C grade.

And if that weren't enough... I've got the go ahead to write but I haven't done it yet. I rented a movie that is similar to the one I have mapped out in my head, and I meant to watch it before I got started. Now, what I wanted done by the weekend (and a realistic goal, for sure) is still in the planning stages and it's Thursday already.

Not good.

Especially when the clock is ticking on this "summer" movie.

And we're still not done.

You all know I work for my sister. Well, business has been very bad last couple of weeks. We're talking half of what we normally do. My responsibility is working on items that go in our Ebay store and I haven't touched even THAT this week. What should be four digits so far is about half that. And this is really priority one, because it affects my immediate future more than the other two.

So there are my responsibilities.

Instead of going out, getting my exercise by walking from store to store or mall to mall, I'm going to be stuck in this chair all day to catch up.

I'm afraid THAT is going to be my goal for today.

1 hour school
2-4 hours work
and the first act written

If I can fit a walk in all that, then I will.

But I'm not going to obligate myself to it and then have to come here tomorrow saying I didn't do it.

Realistically, it looks like I might not.

But I can still do the calories. I'm not sure if I did them yesterday or not. I started off way low with these new breakfast bars and some cottage cheese and pineapple before I left the house, but by the time we decided to eat I was famished. I stuck to basic restaurant strategy: I ordered chicken instead of beef, veggies and rice instead of potatoes. But I did sample the appetizer, I did half a dessert with my sister and I had one margarita.

Even so, I don't *think* I went over. I'll see what I can calculate on Fitday.

I did get a lot of walking in. Two miles easy.

I just did the numbers on fitday and I didn't go over. Yayyyyyy me. :)

See? It is a habit somewhere deep down. If I could just get past all the deprivation crap, then I'd be set.

To tell you how much of a struggle it's been lately, I was at Allsups filling up the car the other day and I saw an ad for their deep fried burrito and I really had to remember that I can't have those anymore. First of all, fried foods are not my best friend thanks to my gallbladder; but most importantly I don't need to put that kind of crap into my body.

Perception, folks. Perception.

My perception today is that I'm strong enough and capable enough to do what needs to be done without compromising myself in the process.

(Incidentally I feel like such a bonehead that I have to work this through like this - that what people handle normally I need to retrain myself how to do.

Self growth.

Who knew?)

"You are who you choose to be."

2005-05-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

If any of you missed The Iron Giant, I'd highly recommend you watching it. It's an animated tale about a young boy who discovers a robot from outer space and they begin an unlikely friendship.

The title of this blog is a line delivered in the movie, where the young boy, Hogarth, tells the Giant that he gets to be whatever it is he wants to be. He doesn't have to be a weapon, he can be anything at all.

So many times in our own lives we're caught up in being who everyone else tells us we are. The world views overweight people as lazy, sloppy, gluttonous, ugly, lonely, unnattractive, sexless, loveless and unworthy - and so the inner dialogue of the overweight person echoes these (completely untrue) sentiments.

It's no wonder our depression leads us to slow suicide. Our perception defines our reality.

For instance.

I was chatting with another Hal fan last night and I expressed my fear meeting him in June. The idea is to go to NYC and to meet him in person, something I normally would never, ever do. This is why celebrity crushes are safe... they can never hurt you or reject you. So it's pretty easy to throw energy at people where there's absolutely no risk.

Meeting someone = risk.

And it's not that I want to hook up with the man, I just don't want to be rejected. Been there, done that with Neal Schon, another fallen idol. When people you look up to reinforce your inner dialogue, it sucks.

Best to just avoid any and all chances of that, right? (which is reason numero uno why I've never met Steve Perry)

Well the problem is, if you avoid risks you avoid life.

And the fact of the matter is the world doesn't decide who I get to be, Hal Sparks doesn't get to decide who I get to be - even Steven, the boys, my mom, or producers or other writers don't get to decide that.

*I* get to decide. I am who I choose to be.

I keep waiting on being thin to be confident, when that's something I can be right now. I just have to stop letting outside validation rule my inner dialogue. This is why I plunged headlong off the wagon many months ago. I let my weight loss journey define me instead of the other way around.

Instead of saying, "I'm going to be thin because I'm worthy" I was still buying into the BS that "I'm worthy because I'm going to be thin".

It's amazing how the order of words can completely change their power.

One is empowering, one is belittling.

I'm not going to NYC a fat fan, I'm going to NYC a fan. And he's darned lucky to have me. :)

I'm a person; my weight does not define me.

My experiences as a fat person define me, but my weight does not.

I must embrace the song "Everyone is Beautiful" - because it validates the beauty in everyone, and we all have it.

Some of the things that define my beauty:

Strength
Tenacity
Courage
Intelligence
Humor
Compassion
Passion
Wit
Talent
Loyalty
Generosity
Spirituality
Depth

These make me beautiful. Not the color of my eyes, the length of my hair, the size of my waist.

But these wonderful parts of my emotional makeup that make me a worthwhile person. In To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything Patrick Swazye delivers the line, "Approval neither desired nor required."

Because the line isn't "You are who THEY choose you are", it's "You are who YOU choose to be."

We need to stop giving our control to the whole wide world. We need to walk down the street with our head held HIGH. We deserve dignity, respect, love, success and happiness.

The only people robbing us of that, is us.

Today my battle cry is NO MORE.

I deserve better.

Goals:

Walk 1 mile
Calories: 1600-1700

Weigh In Day

2005-05-03T13:20:00.000-07:00

Anti-climatic at best.

I haven't lost anything. In fact I'm up by 7 ounces.

But I'm okay. It's easy to put things in perspective when I lost 3 inches this week.

I know how it works - the scale is not the full picture.

In fact, it's almost weird how well I took the news. Used to be I would be devastated by this kind of news.

I guess because honestly I was expecting a gain. My home scale is officially broken. I should have known it yesterday when it went from 276 to 302.

Anyway, the idea is to love myself no matter what the scale/measuring tape says.

My worth is not dependent on my weight or my dress size.

(I'm still re-programming here, so you'll hear this stuff a lot).

I got some good news from the director yesterday. He likes my new changes and has given me the go ahead to begin writing. This is very exciting news and I can't wait to get started.

Another bit of good news is Steven won the contest at his new job. Cancun here we come. I think he's under the impression that I'm not excited because I didn't have a big reaction.

The way I look at it, I always knew he'd win. I never doubted it for a second.

So when he tells me, it's like.. "oh... okay". LOL Cuz I already had planned on going.

Anyway, tonight is the full family dinner to celebrate how proud we are of him. I'm not concerned that I will go off the wagon. Even when I'm eating up to 2200 calories, I'm still eating under what I normally burn. Plus I already did my walk at the mall earlier. Window-shopping has become my favorite workout. We're talking hours and hours prowling the stores.

Hey... it's a start. :)

PMS sucks and other thoughts

2005-05-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a sucky couple of days. Cramps, moodiness, the whole nine.

I think I'm coming through it today but it didn't bode well for yesterday and my whole on track thing.

Saturday I didn't meet my goals. I didn't blow it, but I didn't meet my goals. Steven came home all happy that he was confident he won the trip to Cancun so we went out to celebrate. It was just he and I, so it was nice. We went to the Outback. I ordered grilled lobster tails with steamed veggies. I had their low fat dressing with my salad, said no to both the appetizer and the dessert but indulged just a wee bit in their dark bread.

The only thing I did bad was order their Wallaby Darned, which was so good it had to be bad. But I only had one. Moderation is my friend.

Anyway, we ended the night with a movie - The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Universe, which was a lot of fun.

Then the cramps kicked in yesterday so that was blown. I didn't meet my calorie goals, but I didn't over eat - which, if you'v ever suffered PMS, you know is a big deal.

So I'm still okay.

Today we're back on track and ready to roll.

GOALS:

Walk 1 mile
1600-1700 calories

Down a pound

2005-04-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

Down a pound, down-down-down-down, down a pound...

That was my little sing song this morning.

I read that people who regularly check their weight do better, even every day (find that hard to believe, but... at this stage it keeps me honest so I'll do it till it starts to wig me out).

It's an achievement... I'll take it.

You know, I was reminded yesterday why I detest (or distrust) most men.

Oprah had a couple on her show, the theme was "This isn't the person I married". In the case of the first relationship (a guy who had a sex change) I can emphatically agree. In the case of the second couple, however, it was the powder to my keg.

It was a young couple who had been married about ten years and had two kids. He was an engineer and she had her own hair salon. So where's the problem?

She gained 50 pounds.

And he "didn't sign on for a fat wife".

If you were driving past my house, you'd have had to dodge flying debris, because I was livid.

You do not marry a thin person, a young person, an attractive person, a rich person, a person with a full head of hair, etc. You marry a PERSON. Conditions can change, but the PERSON is just the same. In the case of the transsexual - YES, that's a big deal. If you're not a lesbian and your husband turns into a woman, this is going to seriously mess with your expectations of what your marriage was going to be.

But gaining weight? Because she bore him two children?

The guy's a pig.

AND he's not all that either, if you ask me.

Generally the guys who need their wives to stay attractive aren't - because men hook up for status. If they have a beautiful woman on their arm it's like having an expensive car in their garage. It's a status symbol.

And that has diddly squat to do with real love and commitment.

And people wonder why there's such a high divorce rate.

Giving homosexuals the opportunity to marry isn't going to screw up marriage.... IMO letting idiots like that dude marry at all is what is going to wreck the integrity of matrimony.

Not only does he make her feel bad because she's not the "thin pretty wife" he married, he tries to pick up on girls who ARE thin and pretty. He feels entitled... and blames her for his philandering ways.

They've split up twice and both times he dated thinner, younger women.

I can't believe she took the jerk back. But as the interview wore on, she finally let it spill that she thought he was the best she could do.

So the reason she's overweight is she doesn't like or respect HERSELF...and until she does neither will he - or anyone.

She could luck out and find someone like I found in Steven - who loved me regardless, who saw something valuable and attractive and lovable even when I didn't. But even this has its problems - because no matter how much your husband loves you, you really have to love yourself in the same way.

Someone can't give you what you don't already have.

Which is where I find myself on a regular basis.

I'm lucky to have Steven - who is soooooooooooooooo far emotionally evolved than most men. He never makes me feel bad about how I look, in fact he's the one trying to build me up all the time. The problem is, that shouldn't be his responsibility. I need to learn to like myself enough to be my own cheerleader.

Because life happens. If I should ever have to navigate life without him, where would I be?

Plus, it'll help him to have a wife who is more whole. Instead of always depending on him to fill the emptiness (and punishing him when he doesn't), I need to fill myself up so I can give more to others.

Problem is, I'm a black hole. No matter how much someone loves me, it's never enough. Because outside love doesn't fill the gap left by the lack of inside love. It just never does.

And it leads to self destructive behavior (like gaining back 18 pounds).

Both this lady AND I have to decide we're good enough without all that other stuff.

We were BORN good enough.

We were BORN worthy of love, respect and dignity.

Again, I blame religion for brainwashing me that this isn't true. Not God... but religion. Man made religion that imposes such negativity on ourselves and others. It's good for nothing. God says I loved you so much I gave... religion says, you're darn lucky God is forgiving because you have done nothing to deserve what God did for you.

Yes we did. We were born. That's all we needed to do for God. Jesus didn't die for those who grace churches every Sunday or say their prayers every night. Jesus died for everyone, everywhere... we didn't have to do one single solitary thing for his love and acceptance.

Yet how many times do we have to work hard for the approval of the "religious"?

I heard this story once:

A young man walked past a church one Sunday morning and decided to go in. He wore dingy jeans, a rock and roll Tshirt and long hair. His unorthodox appearance drew the ire of the congregation and finally a Deacon took him aside and asked him to leave, that he was causing a distraction.

So he walks outside the doors and down the street, and Jesus came up to walk beside him. The man says, "Jesus, I tried to go to church but they wouldn't let me in."

Jesus just smiles and says, "Don't feel bad. They don't let me in either."

I think the reason people go to negative behavior is because bad behavior welcomes everyone. You're never not good enough to get drunk, get high, smoke, be promiscuous, etc. You go to a bar and you're welcomed. They want your business.

Churches are far more selective.

As you can see, I'm on a bash religion kick lately. I'm just working it out - I can't afford therapy right now so you guys get to listen to me as I work through mental housekeeping.

Gotta get rid of all this negative training. I gotta stop believing this stuff... it was wrong for them to teach me these things but it's even worse for me to continue to believe it.

And deep down I still do.

I don't know how to change that.

But Oprah was right when she told that girl that until she believes she's good enough, she's never going to drop the weight. It's a self fullfilling prophesy. I'm not good enough therefore I'm going to drive myself into the grave.

I think if you really get to the bottom of any bad behavior it comes back to that one simple thing - self loathing.

I think the reason I backslid so badly is because all my pride of self and love of self was contingient upon my doing well with the weight loss.

I had the cart before the horse.

I'm doing well therefore I can love myself... as opposed to I love myself so I'll do well.

When I stopped doing well, what happened? I loathed myself even more, and that lead me down a path of serious self destruction.

I do believe that is what they call an epiphany.

On that very important note I will outline my goals for the day.

I'm going to go for a walk at the park and get in my calories 1600-1700. (which I did both yesterday, incidentally).

And if, by chance, I am unable to reach these goals - that will not change how proud I am of who I am.

That's the most important goal of all.

Kinda sorta but not really

2005-04-29T07:29:00.000-07:00

Remember those boundaries I was talking about? I so blew that goal.

Mostly because I only got 3 1/4 hours sleep yesterday and never should have planned for the gym. It just wasn't happening. I tried to be ambitious when I should have been realistic.

Lesson learned.

But I did get a walk in. It was too hot for the park so we walked the mall. If nothing else, I'm going to get that walk in.

I blew the calories too, not intentionally mind you. We were out and about, decided to eat out and it just sorta happened. I didn't think what I ate would take me over, but it did.

Fajitas... no no.

Well had I resisted the tortillas it would have been okay.

But I'm still under what I burn normally - and that's key. I can't OVER eat. As long as I don't push past 2600 calories, I'm still creating a deficit and that's the main goal.

1700 is just more of a deficit than 2200.

The problem hasn't really been what I was eating but why. I was eating because I was stressed and needed comfort. I've been consciously avoiding that. It takes a lot of thought... impulse says reach for the comfort food.

And like I said if I eat frequently, I'm not really hungry and I don't over indulge. In fact, last night I left a lot of food behind, including tortillas.

I didn't want to. Whenever I do that I think of all those starving children in Africa my mother taught me about. Living your life motivated by guilt sucks.

And that's my main motivation... guilt. Guilt because I'm not perfect. So I try to be perfect, all the time. This leads to over scheduling and really stressing myself out.

I think what I really need to do is simplify.

Like when I have two goals a day instead of five. Right now it's enough to get that walk in.

Which has me thinking I need to just trim the fat from my life. Maybe I need to drop the college courses. I've gotten to the point where I'm missing assignments or turning them in late, for no other reason than I just never get around to them. It's so stressful.

I dunno yet. Still floundering a bit here, trying to hang on by my fingernails. I do know that a diet isn't going to help me right now. What I need to do is what has always worked. Monitor what I eat, do not overeat and exercise. That's what I need... not all this diet crap I've suckered myself into.

The very thing I was writing about for my college class.

Color me hypocritical.

Anyway my goal today is to meet my calorie goal - 1600-1700 (this means no eating out no matter how tempting it is - this one will be tough) and to get my walk in.

I think I'll go now. Putting it off is where I have my biggest problem, because I'll never do it if I don't do it now.

It's funny how we can talk ourselves out of anything given enough time.